No Love Involved Caregiver

Thanks for the like Teresa

This is indeed a discouraging situation. I have a close relative with mental illness--a 40-year history of family destruction. He is in denial, is completely uncooperative, and very demanding. Treats his caregivers with contempt; we get the four-letter words, yelling and screaming, but no end of the expectation of complete financial support. I would like to say "I am done," which is the truth. But other relatives believe in being martyrs. Sorry to be so down, but after 40 years, I have found that there are no answers, only endurance.

Hello @jshdma I agree with you. Mental illness is such a difficult situation for caregivers to deal with, even when there is love involved. I know in my wife's case those times when she was extra demanding were some of the toughest and she appreciated what I was doing, or at least trying to do!

I wish you and your family members strength, continued courage, and peace!

Al,
What you are doing is an act of love; maybe not for the person, but for humanity. I have read your mail three times. You have made me think, deeply. I am thankful for people like you. Keep up the good work. You already have a dozen friends; but many more are just reading, and thinking.

You are one who thinks beyond the immediate moment, probably we should all try to go in that direction. The other side of it is that there have to be limits. For example, does mental illness excuse a person from being an abuser? And should his relatives just accept abuse?

I am so sorry for your situation. I’m glad that, as a male, you shared your story. I have certainly heard the same story from dutiful daughters who were mistreated as children. It’s good to get the male perspective, so thank you. I don’t have any tips to add, but if this happened to me I would consult an attorney who is skilled in this area. Or my pastor.

@godsgiver ...first off, no words BIG enough to express the HUGE task you've taken on. Some of us are called to be servers. I often find myself doing and serving...why...because it's in my nature. That said, we're only human. We get tired, burnt out, feel unappreciated, and all too often, taken advantage of. I realize your in a situation that may not allow you to get away much, but what I find helps tremendously, is a few hours out doing what I like. I'm not a caregiver at home like you, but often the one who serves the family, or friends, for whatever the occasion, good or bad. When I tire doing good, i always pray God give me strength to do whatever He calls me to do, and to do it cheerfully, not grudgingly. Often, I need to take a step back, create some distance, or just play it cool for awhile. People usually get the hint. Perhaps during those times you could let those know around you (maybe wifey) your taking time out...a lunch with a buddy, fishing or whatever you like...I love my wine, LOL. Honestly, a few hours out, does wonders, so refreshing. Meanwhile, take it by faith, God sees, and you will be rewarded. Try praying to Him, if you haven't...and keep it up! I feel for you....Linda

Hi @jshdma You bring up a challenging topic, at least for me. Luckily, I have not had to deal with anyone with serious mental illness in my family beyond the mental illness exhibited by my wife during her years (before) and during her brain cancer. When she was abusive it was hard, but we would tell ourselves it was 'the illness' not her. But that was a physical ailment, not simply a mental one. My father was abusive due to his alcoholism, also a disease. I never accepted his abuse, but I did get to the point, later in life, of being able to forgive him for it. I did many things with both my father and my wife to not simply 'accept' the abuse when it came. I'd leave the room with my wife at times and for quite a time I removed myself and my whole family from any contact with my father until he went for treatment (multiple times). With my father, I equated accepting his abuse to enabling, so I wouldn't do that once I was an adult. I was nto able to do that when I was a kid in the family unit I became a classic 'invisible child', while my two sisters each took on the role of 'wild child' and 'perfect child'. So the issue of 'accepting' abuse can vary I think, but I also don't think anyone should just accept abuse. We each must protect ourselves in whatever way we might be able to at the time and in the circumstances. Tough, tough issue, especially when the person is unwilling or unable to get help for their illness.

This may all not make much sense I fear!

Strengh, courage, and peace.

THANK YOU for your words of honesty! My spousal caregiver situation is different, but yet so similar. Sometimes I wonder if I’m imagining things. Communication is extremely limited and most things are left to me, unless they are important to him.
Learning to think of myself first is extremely foreign to me, however, I know I must do this, in order to be a better caregiver.
Thank you again for your sharing.
Linda E.

@lindasmith Hello! And my heart goes out to you. I am my spouses caregiver also. He does not communicate as he is unable to "find his words". Actually he has been diagnosed with Primary Progressive Aphasia, non stroke related. He has mild to moderate cognitive disfunction and the alzheimers will manifest itself eventually, per his neurologist. Please listen to your needs and think of yourself often. Get respite care, do something fun and don't feel guilty. I am in therapy to do that as well. Trying to get my head around all that has transpired and the spiral that we are in. Husband is miserable as he knows what is going on. It is very depressing for both of us. This is the first week in three months that I am able to think straight. I hope you understand how important it is for both you and your spouse that you take care of your needs as well. God Bless.......DianaJane