Reveal Trauma?

@stlouisgmajenn

First of all, let me say that you do have the right to feel angry! I so appreciate your incredible honesty and openness about your situation with your parents.

I can understand the feelings you must have about being asked to care for someone who was so vacant to your needs as a child. For those of us who have lived with a "vacant parent" your situation seems all too familiar and all too stressful.

Some suggestions for the conundrum that you find yourself in:

Are you an only child or do you have siblings that might help carry the load with your mom?
Does your mom have the resources to have help with groceries, appointments, housekeeping, etc.?
Each county in my area has assistance programs for senior citizens who do have funds to hire help at the going rate. If you could look into that you could help provide your mom with help without getting personally or emotionally involved.

It is important that you be firm with your mom as to what you can or cannot do. For example, "I can help you to find an organization to help you but I cannot personally get involved with your many needs at this time." This involves setting boundaries and for those of us who were raised without any boundaries to protect us, we need to learn how to create and maintain those boundaries now as adults.

Will you post again and let me know how you are doing?

Hello @stlouisgmajenn -- I can't imagine the pain and suffering you have been through. I don't think anyone can unless they have been in your shoes. My hope is that you can find some support to help you maybe not get over it but move forward and not let it continue to cause you anger and heartache. There are some evil people in the world and their are those that are fooled by evil or just don't want to believe it. When we were going through some mental health issues with our son we found a support group of other parents with similar issues that was extremely helpful to both my wife and I. I'm wondering if a support group of other adult survivors of childhood abuse might be helpful for you to talk to and maybe not share but figure out how to move forward. Here are some links that may help you find a support group:

HAVOCA – Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse
-- https://www.havoca.org/

Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse
-- http://www.ascasupport.org/

WINGS Foundation: Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse
-- https://www.wingsfound.org/

Hoping you find peace and comfort.

John

Hi, @stlouisgmajenn , this is Mamacita, Jane, otherwise known as Volunteer Mentor for Mayo Clinic Connect. I would like to give you a very special welcome aboard. I try to check in with this very special group as often as possible, as they give me strength, hope, inspiration, and insight. Also, they can be a really fun bunch to just simply "hang out" with.

Now, I will share with you that I have not always wanted to be a writer. When I was little, I wanted to be in the Army, teach school, be a nurse, and be a Mommy. I did start writing poetry when my youngest daughter was in high school. From there I started reading the articles in the newspaper by a lovely person named Wendy Lang. Local celebrity and later, a dear friend.

Earlier I read books by an Alabama celebrity and Nobel Prize winner, Rick Bragg. He grew up with some of my childhood friends, just down the road from where I attended University. His portrayal of growing up poor in the rural South was life-changing for me. I love his style of writing, which is writing just like he talks

I don't know if you can call me a writer, but, I too, write like I talk. I like to think that when we get together here, we are virtual friends who just haven't had the chance to meet in person yet.

The thing is, when I first started coming here, I just needed to vent. I was badly broken. To tell you the truth, I wasn't even sure I could ever be "fixed." Why, half the reason I majored in Psycholgy was to try to understand myself, and my broken family. I know it is why I ended up in Social Work, and later, Special Education. I felt better helping other people, because I knew what it felt like to be battered, broken, and alone.

There are many kinds of abuse. Verbal, phtysical, and sexual, are among the most rampant. With. Sexual abuse there are many layers. Any breach of the boundaries that should exist within the family setting, is traumatic, painful, and heartbreaking.

I experienced all types of abuse as a child. I blocked almost all of it out until the day I found myself lying curled up on my bed, in a fetal position. I immediately sought out Psychiatric help. Fortunately I found a decent one, and later a good counselor, who did pretty well, with the information I had given them.

But, oh...there was a problem. I didn't trust either if them. So I didn't tell either of them the whole story. You can imagine how well that went. Unnecessary suffering on my part, because I didn't feel I could trust anyone.

Sorry this is so long. But just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am here for you. The other mentors and members of the group you will come to know will gladly hear your heart's cry, and will keep your story safe. You are welcome to private message us at any time.
We have a saying at the Adults On The Autism Spectrum site, "We are better together." My hope is that you come to feel that way here. "Talk" with you later?!

@stlouisgmajenn

I'm so sorry you have had to grow up in a house of pain and I'm sure confusion for you. I understand how that is, having been molested for years by my oldest brother. He started when I was 10 yrs old, and I stopped him when I was 16. My confusion came because our father left us when I was 18 months old. I looked to my big brother to provide familial love, but he was 16 and messed up himself. I think he had been molested by our aunt or uncle or both. He was living with them at the time and turns out my uncle was gay. So I think they both messed with him. Anyway, he passed it on to me, and it was my deepest darkest secret for many years. I was very ashamed and thought it was my fault at the time. It took me until I was 35 before I tried to talk to my brother about the molestation and how it had affected my life and my view of myself as a bad person who had caused him to molest me. His response to me? He laughed and said, "Incest is best." He said I was "being ridiculous" and I "should get over it." I was shocked and hurt by his response to my attempt to open communication.

At that moment I decided not to try to like him and to never trust him. My therapist approved of my decision. My entire life my family had rejected me and talked about me like I was trying to hurt them in some way. I learned over time to let go of trying to make them see who I truly was/am. Instead, I consciously chose friends as my family. They supported my growth as a person, and gave me honest feedback and love. I was in group therapy for several years and was asked by the therapist to help her lead the groups. This experience was invaluable for me. I loved the groups. I learned that I am the person I always knew I was. I'm a good and loving person who lives with honor and integrity.

To get to the point of accepting my good self as well as my imperfections, I had to learn to let my anger out in therapy and learn how to express it in a non-destructive way. I want to let you know that expressing your anger with a therapist guiding you is a good thing to do. You will never get the love you wanted and deserved from your parents, and you will more than likely, never love or trust them. But, that doesn't mean you can't choose your own friends as family, and leave your parents behind. You owe them nothing! Perhaps as you work thru your anger and sadness that you never had their love, you will at some point be able to forgive them for their treatment of you. But, that's not even necessary for you to learn that you are a loving person deep inside where the real you lives in your heart.

I so hope you find acceptance and the courage to heal from the horrible abuse you experienced. Life from here looks wonderful for me and it has for many years. But it took lots of hard work, crying, beating bean bags and pillows when I was angry, and learning about who I am as a loving person. I took hugging lessons to find out that touching doesn't hurt. You can do this too if you want to heal. You have my total respect and support for surviving your childhood intact! Oh yes, even though I have forgiven my brother, I've not forgotten and I don't have a relationship with him. Thank you for sharing your experiences.