Reveal Trauma?

So very true. Wasted most of my life endeavoring to please others. Prefer being alone rather than going through hoops.

@theotherone

Jan

You have expressed the situation of a people-pleasing so well and you are right when you say that it is tiring to spend your time trying to figure out what is wrong. You are also right when you say that other people's reactions are not necessarily about you, but about something else going on in their life.

If I may ask, when did you reach these more healthy conclusions?

Teresa

I think it was only after I left home. Slowly I learned to communicate and to understand that feelings do not need to be only black and white. All people receive many stimuli from all corners and feelings can be influenced ay many factors. But even when I know all this, I stilĺ strugle with such feelings.

@amberpep

You are always an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing so openly your hard won victories. You make us think that maybe there's hope for us.

Jim

You explained it better than I could have, thank you.
It really does take up so much energy to understand what you may have done wrong, even when people say that it has nothing to do with you. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one facing these problems.

@underedwardstale2018

Thank you for sharing your trauma with us. You help others to express their trauma when you are able to express yours. You are a courageous young woman (I have assumed you are a young woman.) As you can see, you are not alone in your experiences and reactions to it. We each respond to our traumas in different ways, all of which are responses meant to protect us from current and future trauma. Protection comes at some cost to us.

I built walls around my heart to prevent anyone from getting close enough to hurt me again. That meant I not only kept the pain in like it was a valuable jewel, but I also kept out the joy I might have been experiencing. I learned to slowly take down my wall, one brick at a time. I also learned how to express my anger after a lifetime of stuffing it down. I learned how to "depress" my anger. Depression kept me docile and accepting of the various assaults as if I deserved them. I struggled with a therapist to learn how to express my anger. I was afraid that if I ever let go I would be like the Tasmanian Devil and rip apart everything in my presence. That didn't happen, in fact I could barely gather the energy to hit a chair with a "battaca", which is a piece of dowel wrapped in foam so it doesn't cause damage. It took several sessions before I was able to hit hard and with conviction. I then moved to hitting a bean bag chair with my fists while picturing the person I was angry with. I got quite good at doing that, and continued that anger expression for nearly a year. At the same time, I learned how to use the D.E.S.C. Script to express my strong emotions in a safe and assertive way. I learned the "inch worm" rule also. That's where you share a small vulnerability with someone and wait for their response. If they share a vulnerability with you, then you share another vulnerability. If their response is negative, you stop. That allows you to protect yourself, but still venture out there to be real with others.

Next, I took "hugging" lessons. I was afraid to touch others and I remember saying, "Touching hurts." That was from my traumas. I was in group therapy at the time and the therapist took us all through different levels of touching. Starting with looking into the eyes of each person in the group, then facing each other and holding hands briefly, touching a shoulder in passing, until we finally hugged each person in the group. It was very scary for me, but I was determined to get well. I then made a contract with myself to touch 3 people a day in a non-threatening and light way. A touch on the shoulder or arm in passing worked best for me. Eventually I could do that without thinking about it, and feeling comfortable doing it. I practiced hugging people I was close to even when I didn't want to. Eventually, and to this day, I ask for hugs when I want or need them. I'm now a well - trained professional hugger. LOL

I must say that without taking down the wall around my heart and learning how to safely express my anger using the D.E.S.C. Script, I would not have been able to hug. I would also not have been able to accept that the decisions I made as a child to protect myself (necessary!) were no longer helping me, but were keeping me stuck in the past. Are my issues still with me, yes. I occasionally get my script going and play it through to the end, which is not something I like, but it does happen once a year or so. It lasts a day or so, and then I'm back to being the healthier me. I cannot change what happened in the past, but I have changed how I deal with it now. I'm not haunted everyday by the past traumas. I went back to the orphanage I lived in for 7 years, and can see the good that came from being there. I'm a strong, smart, talented woman who has been very successful in my career, and I'm proud to say, in my second marriage of 35 years. It's a lifelong journey of discovering your internal emotional landscape and learning how to live a full life.

Gail B
Volunteer Mentor

@parus @amberpep

Therapists have told me I am the best mask wearer they've ever seen.

Jim

i went to a gathering on sunday. the discussion centered around a book called "the Fear Cure", I think. Haven't read the book. we discussed things like assuming and believing the one giant issue many of us are taught to believe. that is...THE WORLD IS A DANGEROUS PLACE. we discussed how that one belief can take over our lives. i'm just throwing that out for discussion. i'm 73. i am gonna' give up that feat thing one minute at a time. i kinda think it's time.

hi parus...well, please continue to do whatever helps you to feel comfort in your personal space. i wish i had magic words to make you feel better. i wish i could wave a magic wand for all of us. i just wanted to post this before i signed off. i send you virtual hugs and blessings.

How it is childhood trauma is now starting to destroy my life is a mystery. T'would I did not have the memories.