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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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I would like to know more about having a psychiatrist remotely. Can you message me?
@lakme77 I'm so sorry for your loss it is what we all go through when our loved one dies but you sound like you have come through it with her always in your ❤️ My Grandmother is who I talked with and she inspired me .Now I've lost my husband ,Mother and brother It gets easier to face each day but you won't forget never .Take one day at a time
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3 ReactionsI felt a rush of gratitude & blessings reading all your comments- how brave each of you are. I had a good cry after going thru each posting a 2nd time. Thank you all- I feel like I have found a place where I can feel safe & not ashamed of the tremendous ambivalence I experienced after having my husband instantly falling at my feet and going frozen - all I could do was watch as the life left his eyes. I did not go to cradle his head or tell him I loved him. I just watched him die.
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3 ReactionsI'm finding it difficult now since I can't be out and about top help fill the time that I spent at the care center with my husband, Casey. His 90th birthday would have been yesterday and that was difficult also.. We always celebrated with a cake and when we were younger we went to a dance. One of the few that we cool attend as we had 5 small children and were farming so dancing was not a common activity for us. I just took part in a Zoom presentation (online video communication) with the study group at church. We were studying The Walk by Adam Hamiton for our Lenten study, and since everything is shut down our pastor arranged for us to get together via Zoom. Work well and we had a new experience. My laryngitis didn't help as I couldn't contribute much, but is is getting better day by day so maybe next week.
Everyone take care of yourself, and we will get through this with God's help.
Ruth
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3 Reactions@maggie45
How right you are. Connect is a healthy and supportive place to spend some time each day. @rmftucker Our church is a member of a really good online resource called Right Now Media. It can be another tool to use on these long days of isolation.
Maggie, I can't imagine the trauma of watching the lights turn off in your husband's eyes. I'm so sorry you had that experience. Allowing him to die in peace without the drama you could have presented was perhaps the right thing for you to do. You'll likely have some internal drama going on as you grieve your loss, and that's ok. You don't have to feel any guilt for the way his final moments played out. It sounds like there was nothing you could do to delay his passing, or have any effect on him at that point. Now you can give yourself some time to let your grieving process begin. I hope you can overcome the feeling of shame. Instead you could replace it with a different feeling. What are you feeling right now? Is there a grief counselor available to you? They can be very helpful. Keep in touch here.
Jim
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4 ReactionsJim,
Thank you so much for your prompt and ever so thoughtful response to my posting. I am truly overwhelmed by your sensitivity and kindness.
You asked me a question that I have been asking myself recently- how do I feel now? I think I am a master of avoidance. It has been over a full year already & I have busied myself with taking care of loads of paperwork, managing issues arising in the house & property- I now have 8 acres to care for which my husband attended to- and then I felt ready to return to my community of friends at school where I am a substitute teacher and the distraction was doing the job in abetting me with my grief avoidance when a few months passed and I was in an auto accident .So now I was occupied with a fractured knee - how timely, yet another reason to avoid the real pain-,then just as I was well enough and again returned to school this insane virus takes over & now I am home bound again feeling very isolated and with plenty of time to face my feelings, no more excuses: an amalgam of guilt, regrets, loneliness ( we did everything together), anger (I did not tend as I should have to friends whom I lost track of). So there you have it. So finally circumstances have finally forced me to deal with unresolved feelings. I am committed to start working thru these feelings & yes as fate would have it a friend introduced me to someone who is local and with whom I feel I can open up to. So I will begin a new journey. And I again thank you for your kind offers and suggestions for follow up.
In appreciation,
Maggie
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5 Reactions@maggie45. It’s been an incredibly tough time for you, and now the isolation brought about by this pandemic. You know we are just a keyboard away, and there are other social outlets available online, plus of course FaceTime with family.
We don’t do FaceTime much but I do talk to my son daily now - he calls us every day to see how we are doing, fearing that one of might get coronavirus. My daughter is texting frequently too, so that helps me a lot even though my husband is here too. If you have children or other relatives with whom you are close it’s a great time to be connecting more. Most of us get caught up in our daily lives and connections can suffer. I’m glad you have Brady, dogs are wonderful companions. My daughter lost hers last August and has just adopted another dog she was fostering. I think the dog is already in love with her!
JK
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2 Reactions@maggie45
And a car accident on top of it all! You've had a full plate this year.
My wife and I love our home on ten acres, but it can be a positive or negative thing. The positive side - quiet days and nights, space to breathe, surrounded by cultivated fields, a warm house on these cold days, plenty of space to plant trees and gardens, lots of room for our dogs to run and play and explore. The negative list is shorter - a lot of time required for building and yard maintenance, isolated, too far from church to get to meetings and visit with people we're getting to know, unhealthy isolation associated with mental ill health.
I'm pleased to know that you have someone you can talk to. That's been a life saver (too literally) for me, to have access to therapy, where I can talk about things I'd never before told anyone.
The grief process is sometimes presented in a set format of stages. I've found that most people do it at their own pace and don't fit the formula. I hope people haven't tried to tell you that you should be getting over it by now. (That's something I've heard with regard to my depression.) That's so unhelpful. For one thing, many of us never "get over it", even 5 or 10 years in. It isn't healthy to rush it. Much better to take it at your own pace and in your own way.
One of these days I'll post a list I've made of things not to say to a hurting person.
Gotta go. Stay safe.
Jim
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3 Reactions@jimhd Great introspective thoughts, Jim. We all do deal with grief in our own ways. There is no wrong and right but I do think sometimes people get mired in their grief and that becomes self-perpetuating and unhealthy. We have a family member who has been in deep grief for five years now but thankfully she is beginning to venture out, just a little bit. We were worried about her but she had to grieve on her own timetable.
JK
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2 ReactionsThank you,JK for your thoughtful response. I have one son who is very kind and caring. Unfortunately he just came back from a trip to New Orleans where apparently they were not taking the virus very seriously so it will be 14 days before I can see him but we talk daily and a close circle of friends are there for me too.
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