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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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It been six months since I lost my mom; just got through mom first birthday and Thanksgiving without her. Now I have to deal with Christmas without my mom. It still hurts, I laugh at people jokes but I feel detached emotionally. It still feels different, life feels different. That besides the questions I ask myself if I made the right decisions in my caregiving duties. I miss my mom a lot, it feels like my heart been ripped out of my chest and the wound will never heal. One day at a time, one task at a time.
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6 ReactionsYou will find online support from The Caregiver Space, a non-profit organization. Go to http://www.thecaregiverspace.org and click on After Caregiving (I think these are the words) to communicate with people in a similar situation.
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3 ReactionsHi. Sorry for your loss.. Will keep you in my prayers. It seems as if
you will never be the same. Happened to me when our mom passed at the age
of 53 and dad before that was barely 44. I am the oldest of 7 subs. Had a
husband and son at the time. Not only did I grieve the loss of a parent I
thought I needed to become responsible for everyone. It took me on a road
of depression and anxiety on and off for years. I am now 78 and we still
feel the void. Now I am in grief for my husband who has PPA non stroke
related and AD. Had to admit to nursing home in Jan. Its,a change and
lonesome life, even with a loving family. 4 children 8 grands and 2
GREATgrands. 1st Thanksgiving celebrated without Dad, Grandpa....now
hoping we can arrange for wheel chair van for Christmas.
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5 ReactionsHello All: On January 16, 2018, I opened up this discussion talking about the loss of my dad. Today, I will share with you all about the loss of my mother on Thanksgiving Day. Here are some of my responses to grief and loss thus far. I'm sure that my feelings will change as time goes on.
As I look back on Thanksgiving Day, I find myself thankful for my church family as well as hospice. As some of you already know, my mother passed away on the afternoon of Thanksgiving Day. She was accepted into hospice care just a few days before she died. When she began to experience the symptoms that the hospice nurse had predicted would come at the end of her life, there were comfort meds on hand that I could administer with phone directions from the hospice nursing staff. She took her final breath in her own senior apartment with me by her side rubbing her arm so that she would know I was there.
While it wasn't a typical Thanksgiving, the support of hospice and my church's staff gave me much to be thankful for. I made many calls to the nurses on-call at the hospice organization during her final minutes. After her death friends from church and my two pastors connected with me by phone to tell me of their prayers and support.
While future Thanksgivings will carry the memories of my mom's transition from this life to her heavenly home, I'm very grateful for God's mercies to her and to me. She experienced what I had prayed for, "a peaceful homegoing."
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5 Reactions@lizny It's surely difficult (difficult isn't the best word but I can't think of an appropriate one). My mom died 3 days before Christmas, and Dad died on Father's Day. My grief for Mom's passing was more intense and immediate. In our family she was the comforter and the glue. When Dad died I shed some tears at his memorial service, but it didn't hit me for a few months, until I needed to call him and ask his advice for something. It's at times like that that bring up the feelings.
The grief process is different for each person. And for the most part, it never goes away completely. I think that's a good thing because it keeps alive all that person meant to us. I remember some of the unpleasant experiences, but mostly as time goes by I tend to focus more and more on the love we shared and the good memories.
I encourage friends who are grieving to acknowledge the grief, and not to be afraid of it, and not to feel guilty for feeling it for being affected by it for a longer time than some people do. There will be people who think you should be over it by now, and you should be moving on. But those are unkind, thoughtless things that people who've never been there.
Feel your pain. It's ok. It will be a salve.
Jim
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3 Reactions@hopeful33250 Oh I'm so sorry for your loss but rejoice in her new home with you. My husband died Dec 22 so I am happy to know where he is but it is a sad day and still is. The holidays you will never forget but with the faith in God our father you have it will be o k. and easier to get through the day. take care my heart is with you . Linda
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3 Reactions@lioness, Thank you!
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2 Reactions@lizny Hi Sunshine. I know how difficult it is to go through the holidays after having lost your mother fairly recently. In my experience, there will always be that hole, but in time you learn to live with it and it takes more of a backseat. I lost my parents when I was much younger -- I was 15 when my father passed away, and 27 when my mother died but I still miss them. I am sure you did everything you could in caregiving, please do not feel any guilt. As an aside, interestingly, both my daughter and my sister's daughter, neither of whom were born while my mother was alive, feel strong attachments to her. When my daughter was going through a tough time a while back she asked for pictures of my mother because she felt her presence strongly. I do believe our loved ones are always with us, just in a different way.
To all of us who are grieving the loss of a loved one, I wish the holiday season will still be one of some joy and happiness. Your loved one would want that.
Hugs to all, JK
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5 ReactionsI lost my mother (my only remaining parent) in March of this year. I chose to leave and not see a dead body. My siblings understood. I am a newly discovered “empath”. It takes me so long to recover. I miss her more than anything. I go through daily tears if I am not busy with work or activities -mundane ones; of wanting more time with her. Wishing I had lived closer; wishing I did more; wishing I was stronger to have stayed till the end.
Slowly just last month my childlike bewilderment of “searching for her and wondering where did she go?“ matured to a sense she lives in my heart. I felt happier for first time wrt to her passing.
Grief is perplex. I ache horribly. Emotionally and physically. It has changed me completely. I somehow do not want to see my siblings. I want to grieve alone. I feel free finally not have to force myself to visit. Finally I am putting myself first.
I don’t know what to expect in the near-now or future.
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2 ReactionsYes. Can relate 100%