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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Danielle, I am deeply sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. My heart breaks for you. Our circumstances are different, but I too am a mother who lost a child. A baby boy. It has been two and a half years now since my world was shattered with his death. It is as if everything you've ever known is horribly different. I feel like completely different person. Everyone experiences grief differently. For me, I have gone through incredibly dark times where I did not want to go on. I think being heard and expressing grief are important...so important. Thank you for reaching out to others. If you want, I will share with you some things that have helped me on the journey of heart crushing grief. It is still so raw and painful for me, the death of my baby. Being part of a grief support group, where others could relate to some of the emotions was a tiny help for me..realizing I wasn't the only one suffering with grief. Sending love and strength your way. Danica is a beautiful name
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5 Reactions@kristap31 thank you so much for writing me and offering support... i would love to hear some ideas and what has helped you. I am in the same feelings you described as not wanting to be here anymore. I want to go with her. But I have a 7 years son and a 19 year old daughter. I am constantly sick to my stomach and became detached. I am not me anymore as well. Danica was my special one.. I was ready to be a mommy with her.. she taught me love unconditional love strength and patience. She kept me grounded. I will never love anyone like I love her. I feel like I have nothing to look forward too.. I just hate life and my children are hurting as well as my family but I have nothing to offer. Life is so unfair. 💔😭
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3 Reactions@lioness thank you and I’m so sorry about your loss and pain of your husband. I try to stay busy but we are pretty well known here in Sonoma county. She was our “ Princess Warrior” here. She touched so many lives. This is a hard and dark time for me as well as my other children. They are hurting not having her as well as there mommy being detached and someone totally different. I appreciate the love and strength and positive messages from everyone 🙏🏻
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2 ReactionsThank you 🙏🏻
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1 Reaction@tmmmrlts thank you 🙏🏻 yes I find myself taking it even minute by minute. I never have experienced such a painful powerless lost feeling before besides my brothers passing in 2005. This is so much more 💔😭
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4 Reactions@IndianaScott
Thank you... I think my challenges are being a mommy to my other kids and not liking who I have become since she’s past. I’m miserable and see no future or happiness 💔😭
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4 Reactions@daniellemarie Keeping you in my thoughts
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3 ReactionsThanks for the likes Colleen, John, and daniellemarie
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2 ReactionsThanks Daniellemarie. After multiple losses I turned to my occupation of health/wellness author. Writing books to help others helped me.
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2 Reactions@daniellemarie I can only imagine how difficult this must be. You have to summon up as much strength as you can to move on and to be there for your remaining children. I know that's much easier said than done but I believe that if you manage to sort of fake it for a while that eventually it will pervade you and help to lighten your grief. I actually have tears in my eyes as I write this though because when I think about how I would feel at the loss of either my son or daughter, I know it would be unbearable.
You are going to really have to put a lot of effort in to moving on so your other children get the best of you too.
Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. I will be praying for you.
JK
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4 Reactions