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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@lioness
Rain? Sunshine and blue sky here. If we’re lucky we may get an occasional storm when we get get some mist or maybe some sprinkles. I haven’t see real rain since my visit to Texas. I live in Modesto. South of Sacramento. We seldom get the brunt of a storm. If we get a quarter inch of rain the paper says “Major storm hits valley.”
Jake
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2 ReactionsAmen. Grief is like a river that flows on and on, sometimes tranquil and quidt, sometimes raging tothe point of making you gasp and wonder if you will survive the raging rapids of pain.
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4 Reactions@jakeduck. No what you mean in Pa.we got storms not sprinkles Maybe it was another part of Modesto showed traffic driving through a lot of it cars splashing on either side Its sunny blue sky here also
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1 ReactionYou bring up an important topic, @tmmmrlts. When we lose a loved one we still want others to remember them and talk about them. Even if it makes us cry because those are good tears and they are healthy.
So many times, people refrain from talking about a deceased person, not realizing how important it is to keep that memory alive and well.
I appreciate your bringing that up.
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2 Reactions@woogie and @amberpep
I was touched by both of your posts. Sometimes loss and grief happens while we are living, when we don't feel welcomed or appreciated. You both make that point quite well. I am sorry for the sense of grief and loss you feel. You both show compassionate hearts and I feel that represents a gift to you. I'm grateful that you shared that gift here on Connect.
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3 ReactionsJust to touch base think hanging in.. on by thread... have survived the "Polar Vortex" heat only by wood and its been a _ to keep going and burning was down to 28 have got it up to 52
It was 52 when when got home at 8 p.m. today - but on chilly side when arrived home from Indy was fine at 4 a.m. and iffy at 6 a.m. but i said _ and went back to bed and was completely out at 8 a.m. nothing to start it with and no time to mess with it - - wood has been frozen, wet etc
the hot/cold water in kitchen froze for almost 2 days - the cold had earlier in week then un-thawed and by Thursday both froze but that's normal in very cold weather - had both hot/cold in bathroom so was not without The washer that's in the
furnace room will not run now was running the day the "Polar Vortex" struck lucky the pressure tank did not freeze... the joys of country living....
Friend back on Dr. visit Jan 7th before 6 week ct-scan (Jan 24th) told dr that the lymph node was hurting and was somewhat swollen the ct showed nothing we missed the Jan 28 dr/immunology I started out but got only mile from home turned around - road was snow packed - could not see but very little of the yellow line occasionally and it was drifting across the road from west to east on North/South road... was rescheduled for Feb 1 but water wast still frozen and was single digit temps with negative wind chill so cancelled out - as have a dachshund & a newly acquired Siamese kitten and house temp was in the mid to low 40's with the wood stove (only heat) being a PIA so cancelled out and weather was to be iffy also
Have set my alarm in the smartphone for 2 hour interval's the rooster "crows" and I get up to check the wood furnace at least I am able to get some sleep in between wake up calls....
His sister and brother-in-law has not even called to see how he is doing or check on us during this cold snap - at least if there is a question of maintenance of the van the brother-in-law does come if called - but I am not one to call and ask (beg) for help - I feel that they should be at least a little bit concerned -
Got the mother's funeral paid for and the crematory house monument from them, Paul and his brother, now just for spring to arrive so foundation can be poured... I got the sister a glass heart for her dad remembrance with cremains, she said no for the half sister & sister but I went a head and got glass flames I thought it was only right - the 2 grand daughters getting acrylic necklaces wood/resin/cremains for the grandfather and wild flowers /resin/cremains for the grandmother of her cremains and the 2 daughters a glass rose/gold paperweight - the step-daughter nothing as she did not even bother to come to the family viewing for Mariea... I have recovered from the 8 day 24/7 vigil and getting back intot he swing or so i thought till the "Polar Vortex" struck... I shall overcome....
We made it today - CT scan showed no major changes - but he was still complaining of the lymph node and its more swollen - not sure why it did not show on the CT unless not high enough was able to have the immunology - after checking all angles with the clinical study they were able to have immunology and also was able to schedule a neck ct- and was able to get it done today after immunology across town at I U Methodist was half hour late but they took him anyway immunology you get there at your appointed time and wait 1-2 hours for the mediation to arrive we took out of I U Med/Simon Cancer at the appointed time of the CT appointment across town.. left Indy at rush hour 5 p.m and it was misting rain and foggy...
So not sure what's going on and what will happen I know will be some big changes before next fall/winter... Said 2019 had to eb a better year beginning to wonder.... God will provide and take care... Nothing is impossible through God as impossible is "I'm Possible"
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1 ReactionYour struggle with the cold weather sounds so difficult, @reibur1951 Thank you for checking in. I hope that your friend's son continues to do well with his treatment and that your housing situation gets resolved.
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1 ReactionHe was scheduled to see ENT Dr. today - had a Fiberoptic laryngoscopy (nasolaryngoscopy) it showed no complications /tumors on the inside of the throat & neck area. The swelling/ growth is a part of the lung cancer being treated this lymph node had shrunk but started to show symptoms again so its a step backwards - was taken off the the clinical study he was on BUT he got put into another - there will be chemo & Immunology together as before but only i chemo drug - Docetaxel (Taxotere) and Pemrolizumab which he has been getting 1st in combo with 2 chemo drugs and then since April alone - all other areas are stabilized or its just the Supraclavicular lymph node acting up for now The neck ct showed nothing new - have not seen the report as yet Blood test were done to get the stud under way - will have to go back for a biopsy of the lymph node which as asked but do not have to have really but suggested trying to stay positive and hope he does as well as he did on the other chemo - no real side effects except losing a little hair and some neuropathy in the feet...
Bracing for a cold night it went from the high 40's low 50's to 32 and to be lower... It rains most of the day. Time will tell... God will be with us and guide us... Nothing has been easy but so far have survived it a.....
Right now my mind is going around in circles.. while waiting for other things to come though hoping they don't go astray... just wishing for warmer weather so i can get things done in between trips to Indy... The syaing the "Best laid plans of mice and men...."
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1 ReactionYou are strong enough. I suggest you may want to read a book I bought on Amazon called, I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I lost my brother three and half years ago fairly suddenly. I was out of the country when he was rushed to the hospital and was diagnosed with cancer through out his body. He was only given 6 weeks to live but I was never made aware of this. He always protected me, and once again the word was out that no one was to tell me of his life expectancy. I had to put on the bravest face I could because I felt it was time for me to protect him. For me to step up and take care of him. When he passed away I was devastated and in shock. I have never experienced grief as I experienced it then. I did not know something could hurt physically so much. I was angry, in denial, guilty and overcome with such a sadness I can't even begin to describe. Someone told me at the wake, it's hard but it softens in time. I honestly could not see this ever happening. After about a year, the pain and sobbing subsided but it is never far from my mind. I don't think you ever get over someone you love. I think "softening" is the right word. It's not as raw. My personal opinion is that crying is good. You have to let it out and this may sound strange, but I bought a bunch of paint by number sets because it was the only thing that made me relax and stop thinking about him for a few hours. It's tough but it will get better. Don't give up.
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2 ReactionsThank you - its been a rough 2+ years - already lost his dad on June 28th and his mother on Dec 26th - she was in nursing home since Dec 3 2014 with right side stroke - a myriad of other problems left or right cartriod artery completely blocked with the one in the back of neck she had one Carotid artery surgery which ever side to save her right side as she was right handed, she was having seizures which the dr she had & Hospital ER was not diagnosing till to late - then badgered her into the surgery - the last she went in with a mild seizure & Acute Myocardial infraction with STEMI near 100 percent blockage, sepsis, c-diff, Stage 3 Acute onset Kidney disease her the heart dr on call and her regular hear dr said heart catheterization would either do more damage than good or he would die during it - plus she had DNR and directive for not advance life support to maintain life - recommendation was "comfort care" she never was fully alert or conscious the whole 8 days (I sat with her 24/7 those 8 days except maybe 3 hours) - for one brief period in ER she did tell the daughter she loved her. His father was diagnosed the not making enough red-blood cells .also tested JAK2 V617 positive - was not to have been cancer - had blood transfusion every 2 weeks - was on arasnep for 8 months but had 90-95 % of the side effects. so when medicare refused to pay for it found out fully he done a almost 100% turn around he had a --- for a doctor - talked in analogies - would not talk side effects of medications - the small good outweighed all the side effects...
He is getting the best of care at IU Medical/Simon Cancer center - and what ever happens I know its God's will and I have survived and will I know I have done my best and am doing my best I have genealogy I do and I have a wesbsite on the history of the town i lived in and will go back to http://www.maxinkuckee.history.pasttracker.com/ I am trying to restore my 100+ year old home there which as been put on hold since 2017 ( http://www.maxinkuckee.history.pasttracker.com/lots_419_s_main/419_s_main.htm ) - but I will some how succeed at that -
Over the years I have lost loved ones - I know we are given only a limited time on earth - and when its our time God will take us Maybe this sounds insensitive but I have always believe our time on this earth was limited to God's will and that he will provide and take care of us.
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