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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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I don't know if I know how to grieve. I lost my mom , almost 3 months ago. I weeped some everyday, holding her hand, while she was dying from cancer. When I got the call one morning, telling me she died, I was numb. Mom and I were very close. I didn't want to see her after she died. I don't know if I was wrong on that decision or not. I feel guilty for not being there during or after her death. I can get a little weepy thinking of her, but I haven't ever just had a good crying spell. My husband and I live in FL, mom lived in NY, and I was with her for 3 months. When I came home, after the funeral, after arrangements to auction off my parents belongings, putting the house on the market, going thru a flood while there, I started to talk to my husband about my ordeal. He stopped me cold, told me he had his own depression, and didn't want to hear about my loss. I feel and look like I aged five yrs over the summer. Am I holding in grief, or is my husband right, when he says, if I talk about my mom, it only reinforces the memories and loss?
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1 ReactionHello @lindafrisbie and welcome to Mayo Connect and to our discussion on Grief and Loss. Losing your mother is a significant loss and I'd like to encourage you to talk about your mom here. I and the others in this group will listen and provide a shoulder to lean on during this time of grief.
You see, talking about your feelings of loss and grief provides the road to feeling better. It sounds as if your husband is not able to listen, however, I and the others in our group can and will listen!
Please read through some of the posts here and see how people have dealt with loss through writing, journaling and seeking a support group.
So, begin by telling me a little about your mom (if you are comfortable doing so). I would like to get to know her as well as you. Will you do that?
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3 Reactions@lindafrisbie This is a safe place to share with caring, supportive shoulders. Talking helps.
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2 Reactions@lindafrisbie Please be assured that there is no right or wrong way, length of time, or plan for grief. We each have our own and it may be different for each person we lose. I feel the monumental job you have already completed in 3 months. When my father died I had mother to make final decisions, but much of it landed on me. During the years since we have reduced her material possessions and she has moved into a nursing home. Her final plans will be up to me to complete. Fortunately I have been able to discuss her wishes with her and can be assured that she is ready and comfortable with what we will provide for the extended family and community to remember her. Also, fortunately for me I only live 30 minutes away. I miss my father every day, but have only wept significantly once during the last 10 years and that was several years after his funeral. I am surprised about that because I am an emotional person. I have no idea how I will behave at mother's funeral, but I suspect I will not publicly weep because of some family members that are overly dramatic and love to call attention to themselves in any possible way. Sometimes I can talk to my husband, other times not. It depends on what is going on in his life. You do need someone to talk to though. Use us if you like, or a friend, counselor or clergy. Whoever you feel most comfortable with. You have been under a great strain for a year, so it is not unusual for it to show on your face. In my experience, talking about issues makes them more manageable for me, so I do not agree with your husband. However, that is his way to manage his emotions, which may also be feeding his depression. In your case I would just take care of my own grief and hope that he sees you improve over time and decides to open up. You are and will continue in my prayers. Blessings and love to you.
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1 Reaction@hopeful33250 That is a good quote. I saw this phrase and use it often: Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here, that is why we call it a present. It is also a gift.
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1 ReactionGreat thoughts, @2011panc! I feel sure that sharing your experiences with grief will be helpful to @lindafrisbie and the rest of us. It is true that we all deal with grief in our own way and in our own timing.
@shortshot80 Hi Nancy,
I've been thinking about you (and your brother) and wondering how you are both doing. I hope you are still progressing well with your immunotherapy treatments. I would love to hear from you.
Will you post when you have a moment?
Hi - all I have lost the last post - but since then its been hell friend (Paul) with lung cancer had his CT on the 13th remains stable - had his immunology etc on the 17th and Dr is pleased with everything... came home crashed on the 18th - had not gone to bed as yet when received a call from Russ daughter at 1-1:30 a.m. on the 19th who usurped the care for her mother in nursing home and would not tell me anything - that the nursing home was sending her mother to ER in Plymouth think she had a partial seizure by what was told - ER diagnosis was
Acute Myocardial infraction with STEMI (100% blockage) prognosis no catherization because of all health conditions
Sepsis
c-diff + (she came into ER with diarrhea)
Stage 3B Acute Chronic Onset Kidney Disease
she was kept in ER till a little after 6 then put on floor 4 p.m. transferred her to Hospice care in South Bend and she was there till 4 p.m. Sat the 22nd when transferred back to nursing home and I was able to come home about 4 hours on Sunday 23rd - and yesterday 26th she died at 6;24 a.m. I went in about 5 p.m. last night made arrangements for cremation, a private family viewing which is at 5:30 tonight
I have basically been running on no sleep, no food, and so-called daughter who cared so much that she wanted total control over her mothers care only and told the nursing home I was to know nothing showed up for 2 hours for 2 days, and maybe a little longer on Sat & Sunday - she may of showed up christmas eve not sure showed up about an hour just to bring the son who is in half way house to see his mom before he went back
I told her to go on have christmas i was staying there with Mariea as she would be alone and i did not want her to be alone - she has been in nursing home since Dec 3, 2004 at 7 p.m. and Russ and I were the constant visitors (every Wednesday, Sunday, the thanksgiving dinners they had, he birthday, anniversary, christmas until he took sick and was diagnosis of not making red blood cells he just did not have the energy - he tried making it into the front lobby from car parked illegally in the canopy drop off/pickup area
Yeah I am a wreck - i have cried - i am trying not to be bitter angry but its hard when I was there 24/7, just cat-naps - no food basically all those days - did have some but it was not the normal 2 or 3 meals a day - I am not a breakfast person....
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2 ReactionsSo sorry u and family will be in my prayers
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1 Reaction@reibur1951 Im so sorry for your lose and everything else Take one thing at a time first rest you need this to process things also. God bless you take care of yourself.
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