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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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I have been part of a grief support group that have become very close. We see each other regularly and look out for one another. I was blessed to be married to a caring, outgoing and inquisitive man. He wrote me poems all the time and they are a beautiful reminder of a unique man.
I am in a decent position now and try to help others who are in my situation.
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2 ReactionsThat is wonderful, @ev2nana, I'm so pleased to hear that your marriage was a good one! You are most fortunate. I am also pleased to know that you are meeting with a group of others like yourself and that you are able to find support and encouragement along the way. It is also great that you are in a position to help others.
I would encourage you to respond to some of the posts listed here on Connect, as you are comfortable doing so. We really need people to encourage and help those who post. Will you do that?
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1 ReactionYes will - we get a phone report of the CT Scan before we go done on 5th but i always get the printed report as it says more I need to find a place to lay all out from day one I think there are 5-8 reports all together.
As for the vehicle it was wore out when we got it in May 2017 the so-called fried of the family lied to my friend oh he told of the minor problems it had but neglected the major ones a bad alternator & battery- was stuck out twice in less than 2 weeks after i titled/insured it etc. the on-in-law found the rusted cracked axle sometime late summer/fall last year and welded it shut etc. but with the harsh winter last year and the weekly trips to Plymouth every Tuesday roughly 60 miles round trip and then the trips to Indy from October on which are 200 round trip it just took its toll with the road salt (spray) it even eats the roads up where its been sprayed Its been a thorn in my side since we got it The axle was a noted problem for the Windstar XL and there was at one time a recall for it priced a new one through eBay and was right at $700 without taxes and shipping and then labor on top of that Took it to Ford dealer in Dec. and they came up with over $2000 in maintenance & repairs but friends would not have done - but that did not include the front windshield wipers which I replaced they did list the back ones - did not included the front brakes, rotor & hub we had to replace in if Jan-Mar. nor the gas cap because the idoit light for it kept coming on & for a while the tire idiot light kept coming on but it stopped sometime after June and the gauges have started to "dance" Sad thing is it runs like a scared rabbit and gets good gas mileage
The saying is life "is a bowl of cherries" Things will workout somehow - have no doubts the property is sold if all the legal shut is in order the guy buying it has cash rented (farmed it) for 35 year and his dad before that. he offered to buy it in June while friend was in hospital in Indy but the Adverse possession had not came through that came on Aug. 9th (I was not sure when it would be final i had figured as late as Nov so ahead of game there) legal stuff just takes time.
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2 Reactions@reibur1951 How unfortunate about the vehicle problems. I hope you have success with the property situation.
So true how the grief process affects each person differently. I have started seeing a new therapist and from some of the things I have told her it seems grief plays a large role in the difficulties I have. Never thought about it affecting me as it has in my life. The recent anniversary of my father’s suicide brought forth some feelings that have been uncomfortable and that way down deep gut wrenching stuff that had been buried for so long and never felt. I had numbed out so much. Not only is it still traumatic it is also complicated by so many things.
Yes, we all experience grief eventually. Hoping for some healing along this journey.
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1 ReactionThat is great, @parus. I appreciate your sharing that.
Unresolved grief does have a way of making the waters murky, doesn't it?
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1 ReactionMy son in law died a few days ago, suddenly, at 42. He was the single parent of my 17 year old granddaughter. He's the only one consistently in her life. Kept her safe. He and I didn't always agree but we could agree to disagree. I don't have direct contact with my granddaughter-she's gone into hiding. I've been told by a 3rd party that she's safe but in shock. Guess I'm just feeling sad and sorry 4 myself.
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1 ReactionOh, I'm so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your son in law, @stlouisgmajenn. Please accept my sympathies. It sounds as if losing him has also resulted in losing contact with your granddaughter, which certainly represents another loss. At times like these, it is OK to feel sorry for yourself. Losses of significant others in your life are major.
It is also understandable that your granddaughter might need some time to be alone and process her grief. I would encourage you to stand by and be ready to provide her comfort and sympathy when she comes out of her isolation and reaches out to you. She will need support. As age 17, is a difficult time to lose a parent who as you said, "He's the only one consistently in her life. Kept her safe."
If you are able to share more now, please tell me a little about your son in law. As you share your memories and grief with me (and the others in this group) you will find strength and comfort to face each day.
Will you post again about your son in law?
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1 ReactionHello Nancy, @shortshot
I've been thinking about you and I hope you are coping with your health difficulties as well as your many family losses.
Will your write a post as you are able?
My son in law, Sean, was large in many ways. 6 foot 5 inches, built like a football player. Super protective of his daughter, my granddaughter. I'm tiny, 5 foot 2 inches. But we would go toe to toe on some issues.People would wonder that I took him on. But he's a gentle giant. My daughter, my granddaughters mother has a habit of making babies then abandoning them. Sean took care of her from day 1. The only constant in her life.
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