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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@Lisa Lucier yes, I have and have written a fairly extensive post on some of the things that I have done. I know that everyone’s interests and needs are different, but ideas from others can perhaps someone get started. Of the things that I have done, Journaling has helped the most.Have a great day!
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1 Reaction@gemmax
Thanks for that reminder about the purpose of church. I once heard that churches are not showplaces for saints but hospitals for sinners.
Teresa
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1 Reaction@muppey I get it now, you little attention hog! lol Do you see yourself as the naughty toddler that gets into trouble just for momma's attention? People always ask me what I did when my children did that and I have to honestly say that they did not do that. My children were just busy playing and exploring, they only came for attention when they needed something, which was rare because I anticipated almost everything they needed.
One of my favorite memories is making dinner when a neighbor was visiting. She was older than my mother, so rather a grandmotherly type, but not as comfortable parenting as my mother and grandmother were. She decided to feed the baby while I worked on the food. The oldest was hungry NOW, as small children often are, and i cut a piece of cheese for him. Well, he finished that and was still hungry but the food was not ready. I went to cut him another piece of cheese and the neighbor objected because she thought the cheese would plug him up (bowels). Since that was never a problem before I gave him the cheese anyway. I had told her to stop feeding the youngest when the bottle was half empty, but she thought she knew better and gave him the entire bottle. Then she put him over her shoulder to burp him and he sent all of the bottle down her back! I have to laugh because she was so sure that because she was older she was right. I think it was the first time I realized that age does not always equal wisdom! I am chuckling now as I think of it.
Concentrating on what is important and remembering good times have helped me move on, which is something I know you are concerned with now. So many of my memories center around my children. I remember being part of a new government program (at the time) that checked on mothers and children under three. They provided certain essential foods to assure the best health for the children. The program may still be going, but I don't know. It was very helpful for me since I lived away from family support and it provided good knowledge regarding nutrition for children. One of the questions they always asked was if I enjoyed meals with my children. I thought it was an odd question, but now I realize the importance of having the answers to that question. When I look at young families now I am distressed at how few children have the opportunity for family meals, not only for nutrition, but also for practice of manners, communication and focus. That is why I often ask my nieces and nephews, children, and everyone to leave their phones in their pockets or purses. How odd it is to see couples out for a meal or on a date sitting on opposite sides of the table with their faces in their phones.
And there you see how my thought morph from one thing to another. I often tell people not to try to get into my head. It's a scary place, you probably will get lost and may not be able to find your way out! lol
I finally figured out how to post some photos of our yard. Found a couple of daffodils. Surprise! Blessings
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5 ReactionsHi @muppey -- what type of phone do you have? Is it a smartphone - Android or iPhone? I have an iPhone and have an email account on the phone. When I take a photo with the phone I generally just attach the photo to an email and send it to my email address. Then I go to the computer and download or save the photo from the email I sent myself. Depending on the type of phone, you can also buy a small USB flash drive with the specific type of connector your phone has and then plug it into your phone and save the photo to the USB drive. Once on the USB drive you can plug it into your computer and copy the photo from the USB drive to the computer.
Hope this helps...
Oops! Meant this for you @2011panc and I see you broke the code and figured it out. I'm glad you did - nice photos!
John
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3 ReactionsHi, @woogie -- you mentioned a potential weight gain side effect of antidepressants. Wanted to point to a Mayo Clinic article that may be of interest in that regard: https://mayocl.in/2rkKKCu.
"you little attention hog!" You're a funny lady. Right now any attention I receive I vacuum up. The bags still empty.
Have you ever raised you little darling in the air after she's been feed and you're smiling and giggling and she barfs in your laughing open face? It happens! Yuke!...but bearable 'cause they're so cute.
Thanks for the pics!
I'm still going to fix my computer so it will do what I tell it to. The disc drive stopped working for some reason. I suspect it's because of my dusty little home. Country place so I track wood, bugs, dirt, sometimes lizards and other things like creosote into the house. The creosote was my fault. Embarrassing but it was still dark at around 4:30 in the morning when I had to climb the roof to clean the stack so I wouldn't suffocate from the smoke. Stack was packed with creosote. That happens when I burn a lot of pine through the winter. I usually put a plastic bag on the downside of the stack before I brush it but it was to hot so I figured I'd just let the creosote land on the stone hearth. I forgot to turn off the swamp cooler blower which is right behind the stove. Bummers dude! White floor turned black. Oh no!
You should have heard Mary scream this one beautiful, sunny day when she was awakening from a nap. She felt something on her head and flicked this poor little Blue Belly Lizard off of herself. I ran in there and this poor little lizard was just sitting there saying, "What'd I do? It was nice, warm and sunny resting in your pretty hair and you just flick me away like that???" It was funny! To me anyway. I put the lizard outside in my rock pile, lot's of bugs there.
Take care!
Mark
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1 Reaction@johnbishop,
My type of phone is no phone at all, but I do keep a land line phone in the house. If people need to contact me they'll get here. So far no one needs to contact me...except, "We are from the collect any spare money you may have in your bank account." Needless to say I seldom answer the phone directly. I check the ID first and let it ring out if I don't recognized it.
Good idea though.
It's still weird for me to be talking to sentient beings and they have their nose glued to their iPhone and seem really put out that they have to look up. Sometimes I give up.
Mark
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3 Reactions@tbaxter33
The saying "you been reading my mail" is just a metaphor. I get in a little trouble when I use metaphor's when talking to people. It makes me laugh, but I don't laugh at people who don't get it. The other day I used one, "...then my brain exploded all over the county and the Sheriff found part of it in the County Courthouse and returned it to me. That's why I'm able to speak with you tonight." It seemed simple to me but I guess you need background, which I thought I'd delivered earlier, but it went over people's heads. It's just that I went nuts, and later on the Sheriff delivered the divorce papers. Gotta be more careful I guess.
Anyway, I know that your pain won't disappear. How could it? How would you ever appreciate that? My experience with it started when I met my wife some twenty two years ago. Her son had died of suicide just six months earlier. I lived and dealt with her pain for all these years. Got tiring sometimes to tell the truth. Mary would just cry. Sometimes she would curse her kids father who didn't seem to give much of a hoot about the whole thing. Mary laid a lot of blame on him for good reason. He got an epiphany one day and decided to get right with his church, they allowed him back in, he...anyway, long story short, he got my wife away from me. This won't help her pain because he doesn't care for that, I know him, from family parties and such. One day!
People can be so gross. Anyone who'd tell you it was God's will that your son died is a nut. That's me being kind. If I'd ever had said that to Mary she'd have smacked me, and she's not violent.
Mary would have periods of peace but the whole ordeal is a really big thing and not a "Oh, get over it!" kind of thing. I hate that statement. I want to call them stupid, but they just don't know. I'm here looking for clues how to survive as I think you're doing also. You haven't mentioned much about your wife. How does she deal with it? Maybe I missed a post.
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2 Reactions@kathy4385,
"I have asked, but no reply," Did you know the burden is on the person who won't forgive you? It is not on you. The rule is you approach the person, then if they refuse you take another person or two...read Matthew 18:15-20. I had an experience similar to that and was kind of shocked that the preacher took the other persons side. I attempted to apologize but was refused. I didn't do much of anything, it was a situation which was one sided and I was very confused by it all. They really did kick me out after a while, three man trial and all.
In my opinion everyone else is crazy and I'm the only sane one. haha.
Mark
@muppey Mark
I am so sorry for the painful experiences you have encountered. I am appreciative of your participation in this discussion group, Mark. You share your pain with others and in this way you begin the healing journey for yourself and others.
I like your emphasis on forgiveness. I have a friend who says that holding onto hurts and resentments is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. When we forgive (not forget) we do it for ourselves - to keep us healthy and sound of mind and body.
As always, I look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
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