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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@littleonefmohio
Panic attacks are awful. I had a particularly bad one Tuesday night. I finally got up and went to the family room to the recliner for the rest of the night. If I'd known how bad it was going to be and how long it was going to last, I'd have taken a second Klonopin. I was sure I was dying.
Jim
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3 Reactions@2011panc, BOO HOO to you too! "More than anything else, I'm sorry for myself...living without you!' John Dnever.
The seizure thing is fairly recent for me, around 2011 had my first one at a stupid college graduation banquet in the school cafeteria. Wanted to head out to Shasta County for my sons wedding but my stepsons wife wanted to go to the banquet. this was down in Alameda County on the SF Bay, and a five hour drive to Shasta. Couldn't do it. Anyway the place was so noisy and everyone was talking some foreign language and I wanted to tell them to shut up. Then I went outside saw Mary and told her I needed some air, there she blows. Hospital time in the middle of a party. Hope I didn't ruin it for them.
Last one I remember talking to the docs which was funny because I couldn't remember who the president was and that bugged me so I stayed the doc until I could pull my brain together and get 'President Trump' out.
I remember the VA check in nurse was asking my brother Steve all these sorts of questions so I told her he wasn't a drunk, (he looked like one). I told her there is something wrong inside his head. Bummed me out when the docs took me into a room and explained the problem. Large tumor on the left front side. Got it fixed and he lived for another two years. He did have some powerful seizures long before that but the docs at Peninsula Hospital in Burlingame, my home town, dismissed them as not much. Oh well!
"You know I'm not sorry for you" ...see second sentence above.
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1 ReactionI am sorry for all that you are going through. My dad developed dementia. When I went to the neurologist with him, the doctor said it was different than Alzheimer's. If it is of any comfort to you, my dad never got to the point of not knowing people. For him, it was more forgetting to do something or where something was, etc. For example, he turned on the stove then went into his den to watch TV. He never put a pot on the stove nor did he cook anything. Yes, this was very dangerous, but thankfully the woman who cared for him saw the stove was on when she was going into his apartment.
As for the pain your mom is going through, I understand how she is feeling. I suffer from chronic pain and I, too, feel like I am giving in when I spend the day in my chair or take an electric scooters in the store. It is certainly an unreasonable way to feel, but I do, and I bet your mom feels the same way.
I also understand your feelings about how you will feel when your mother passes. It is NOT selfish to want her to remain with you. This is your mother. My mother died from cancer. I adored her and NEVER wanted her to leave me. I knew at the end, it was the best thing. I certainly did not want her to suffer, but I didn't want her to go, either. I didn't know if I would survive. I did, but not without any impact to my mental health. It's been almost 30 years and still miss her all the time, but I know she is in a better place.
The life and death of people we love is scary and sad. We want them to be with us forever, but realistically, we know that can't happen. So we need to enjoy our loved ones while they are with us.
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4 Reactions@jimhd Hi Jim. Yes they are awful. I am sorry you are going through them. You would think I would remember that I get those stupid things everytime I try and quit smoking but I don't until it happens. I guess I am concentrating on other too much to think about it. Have a good day.
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2 Reactions@grandmar
I do appreciate your post above. You express many of the ambivalent feelings that go with losing a loved one when you said, "I adored her and NEVER wanted her to leave me. I knew at the end, it was the best thing."
Thank you for articulating this part of the grief process!
Teresa
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2 ReactionsMark, @muppey thank you for your prayers. FYI I didn't not think you where being dismissive at all. I truly appreciate your insights and those everyone on this board. Not everyone understands grief. We all maybe in different places with it, but we have some understanding and can help each other understand what we are feeling. You are so right that "The people here are great and I appreciate them because they allowed me to "vent my spleen" which is very cathartic for me, you, and everyone here." I include you in that also.
Kim
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1 Reaction@jimhd I love the photo of the columbine!
@muppey
I applaud you for your restraint in that matter. You saved a job and did some educating of the hospital staff. Good work!
Teresa
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2 Reactions@hopeful33250, The only reason I did what I did is because my lady therapist at the VA told me to. When a person is all confused and the brain isn't working well it gets irritating when people try to push you around like Traci did. I've know her for twenty years and suppose she thought she was doing Mary a favor. She's a nice person and don't think she was being mean, just not thinking things over and I didn't want to give her a black eye. Small town and all...! Over the years I've never gotten mad at people like this thing caused.
I really am not a vindictive person but I do like my privacy and only share with people I trust...which seems to fail to often.
Thinking of going to an AA meeting, haven't been for a while so it might help to listen to other people or something like that. I did buy a bottle when this started and have fallen off before and don't want this to bring me down there again. I really liked my whiskey but I really like not being drunk a lot. Now I can drink water in the evening and that works for me at the moment.
The pain will fade in time but I guess I have to learn something from this, just have to keep my eyes open and my head clear.
How are you doing with all your grief? Like I told my brother, "If I could get rid of this thing on my mind I'd do it now." it's not that simple, a person can't just dismiss a heart/mind pain by saying 'it doesn't bother me'. Does she just hate me?
Lot's of grief on this site and I feel for all of them, it's not fun!
Thanks Teresa!
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2 Reactions@2011panc,
You said, "I was running in fear and disgust when I left." Well that's one thing which bothers me a lot. It's strange what they did and I know it was all planned. When Mary called me and left that first message I went into shock because of the things she said. "I was panicked and...you, you and you". Can't recall everything she said but it was mean. Mary said she just happened to meet her girlfriend Traci at the hair shop but I don't believe that at all. Traci was there and I'm sure it was all according to plan. Now I know Mary is a liar and that really bothers me too, how long she was lying to me is upsetting because we were still talking and I can't believe I was just played like that. Mary's first x husband was in on the plan.
The VA therapist told me to make a compliant to the hospital because, she said, that kind of information is just more ammo in her pouch.
Just boggles my mind when I think about it. I already knew that Steve was a liar as Mary had told me over the years, and at family party's and stuff I'd talk some with him and it was pretty easy to figure him out. Thought Mary still hated him so I wasn't worried about anything like that. Fooled me!
Take care!
Mark