Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

@littleonefmohio

Hello and thank you for writing and asking us to share our experiences. I had so many losses so close together it was numbing I guess is how I will describe it, First I lost my fiance to lung cancer. I cared for him while he was sick. We had only been together for 2 years. I thought his family had accepted me but i found out later that was not true. Anyway, I watched him die the whole time thinking he was not dying. He was too young. He was only 56 and strong. He finished all his chemo treatments so I thought it was a side effect of the treatment. I was on the phone with rescue and telling them when he was in the background saying things are getting dark. I thought he needed oxygen. So I hung up and ask him. He shook his head no. (Graphic) He was throwing up blood and when he finally stopped I said "oh good glad you are done with that" I took the cup from his hand took set it down and was talking to him. I then realized he was not with me I thought. So I told him what he always said. " you are not done with me yet" and then "I love you" I was sure he said it back and that was the end. I was so calm on the phone and dealing with it all. I know God was with me. But when I seen the paramedics come in I broke down and yelled why are you not trying to revive him! That was my first. loss.

Second was my best friend from Jr. High school. We always kept in touch or found each other if we moved no matter what. I lost her to a boating accident. The canoe tipped over. I heard she made sure her grand children were ok and then was swept away by the water. I kept asking God to please find her. I finally heard "I have her" I knew God was listening and letting me know he had her but I knew she was gone.

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@littleonefmohio, I'm not sentimental at all but your little post..."Oh I agree she is a hero." I sent you some flowers. Maybe you can pick a few for your friend.
Hope your feeling better littleone. Some stuff just hurts!

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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Beautiful. I love flowers. I will send mine when they bloom..haha

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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Johnbishop isn't it? I'm doing ok. Just because I'm having fun doesn't make everything better but this helps. Should try posting Johnny Cash's song. "I still miss someone."
Can't see very well, got something in my eyes.

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@muppey

My daffodils just started blooming. We used to live in the Willamette Valley in Oregon, and they bloom much sooner there. Everyone knew our place by the thousands of daffodils. I picked a handful the other day to enjoy in the house.

My wife grew up on a farm near Chowchilla, CA, and has told me about daffodil hill. We lived in Merced for several years in the late 70s, and kept our house there until '04. Friends rented it for a long time and we offered them a lease to buy, but they turned it down. That was a$125,000.00 mistake for them, as we sold it for that much more than we offered to them.

Thanks for showing us your daffodils. Maybe I'll post some this evening. Right now I need to press a couple of pairs of slacks that I just hemmed. They were too long. Actually, they used to be just the right length, but I've shrunk a couple of inches over the past decade, and the style is shorter than it used to be. I had a pile of around ten pair of pants to hem, glad to have finished the job finally. Several were suit pants.

Jim

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@littleonefmohio, haha, make me laugh. Glad you enjoyed the flowers. Can't wait to see your flowers. What state are you in? I'm in CA. I think my beans are done so I'm gonna have dinner.
Thanks Mark

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@littleonefmohio

Hello and thank you for writing and asking us to share our experiences. I had so many losses so close together it was numbing I guess is how I will describe it, First I lost my fiance to lung cancer. I cared for him while he was sick. We had only been together for 2 years. I thought his family had accepted me but i found out later that was not true. Anyway, I watched him die the whole time thinking he was not dying. He was too young. He was only 56 and strong. He finished all his chemo treatments so I thought it was a side effect of the treatment. I was on the phone with rescue and telling them when he was in the background saying things are getting dark. I thought he needed oxygen. So I hung up and ask him. He shook his head no. (Graphic) He was throwing up blood and when he finally stopped I said "oh good glad you are done with that" I took the cup from his hand took set it down and was talking to him. I then realized he was not with me I thought. So I told him what he always said. " you are not done with me yet" and then "I love you" I was sure he said it back and that was the end. I was so calm on the phone and dealing with it all. I know God was with me. But when I seen the paramedics come in I broke down and yelled why are you not trying to revive him! That was my first. loss.

Second was my best friend from Jr. High school. We always kept in touch or found each other if we moved no matter what. I lost her to a boating accident. The canoe tipped over. I heard she made sure her grand children were ok and then was swept away by the water. I kept asking God to please find her. I finally heard "I have her" I knew God was listening and letting me know he had her but I knew she was gone.

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Thank you.

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@jimhd, Good to hear from you again. I'd like to see your flowers. Are you in Southern CA? Forget the name of the place you mentioned. I asked Mary if she'd like a steam iron for Christmas and she just looked at me. I got the clue. Sometimes I'm quick.
Hope your feeling better. "One day at a Time" was our AA slogan. What do we know about tomorrow?
Take care, and give me a heads up when you put your pics up.
Mark

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@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@jimhd, When I made the last call to Mary I said, "I can't be mad at Mary!" But how about thoroughly disappointed? When you love and trust someone it just boggles the mind when they do something like that. I'm wondering if I'm angry and at the same time I do pray for them...because. I don't know! I guess everything will work out. It's just everything takes so long.
I really feel for all these people on this site who are in pain, lonely and really missing someone or many people. Some have long lists.
Just thinking and wondering.
Take care
Mark

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@2011panc, Me again! I forgot to tell you that the VA sent me a large kit of stop smoking tablets, patches and whatever. It's sitting right beside me on the floor. Expensive stuff but they send if for almost no charge, maybe a few bucks.
I suppose I ought to pick the pack up and pop a tab. I've tried it before but I really don't get it. Guess I'm still being stubborn.
OK, I'll try. You're making me laugh again. Thanks. Pushy much? LOL

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@2011panc, "10,000 to 50,000 people." I think Murphys is about 2,300, but up and down Highway 4 there are a lot of people not included in the count. In our whole county there's around 48,500 people and it's a fair piece of ground. I think Angels Camp on my other side is about 5,000 something. The other big town is Arnold which is up higher about 4,000 ft. and the population is about 3,800. This is a popular vacation area for the people down in the SF Bay Area.
A picture of my little place.
This is good therapy for me so I'm not really off track here.

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