Connect
Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.
Connect
@littleonefmohio, I'm not sentimental at all but your little post..."Oh I agree she is a hero." I sent you some flowers. Maybe you can pick a few for your friend.
Hope your feeling better littleone. Some stuff just hurts!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsBeautiful. I love flowers. I will send mine when they bloom..haha
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionJohnbishop isn't it? I'm doing ok. Just because I'm having fun doesn't make everything better but this helps. Should try posting Johnny Cash's song. "I still miss someone."
Can't see very well, got something in my eyes.
@muppey
My daffodils just started blooming. We used to live in the Willamette Valley in Oregon, and they bloom much sooner there. Everyone knew our place by the thousands of daffodils. I picked a handful the other day to enjoy in the house.
My wife grew up on a farm near Chowchilla, CA, and has told me about daffodil hill. We lived in Merced for several years in the late 70s, and kept our house there until '04. Friends rented it for a long time and we offered them a lease to buy, but they turned it down. That was a$125,000.00 mistake for them, as we sold it for that much more than we offered to them.
Thanks for showing us your daffodils. Maybe I'll post some this evening. Right now I need to press a couple of pairs of slacks that I just hemmed. They were too long. Actually, they used to be just the right length, but I've shrunk a couple of inches over the past decade, and the style is shorter than it used to be. I had a pile of around ten pair of pants to hem, glad to have finished the job finally. Several were suit pants.
Jim
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@littleonefmohio, haha, make me laugh. Glad you enjoyed the flowers. Can't wait to see your flowers. What state are you in? I'm in CA. I think my beans are done so I'm gonna have dinner.
Thanks Mark
Thank you.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions@jimhd, Good to hear from you again. I'd like to see your flowers. Are you in Southern CA? Forget the name of the place you mentioned. I asked Mary if she'd like a steam iron for Christmas and she just looked at me. I got the clue. Sometimes I'm quick.
Hope your feeling better. "One day at a Time" was our AA slogan. What do we know about tomorrow?
Take care, and give me a heads up when you put your pics up.
Mark
@jimhd, When I made the last call to Mary I said, "I can't be mad at Mary!" But how about thoroughly disappointed? When you love and trust someone it just boggles the mind when they do something like that. I'm wondering if I'm angry and at the same time I do pray for them...because. I don't know! I guess everything will work out. It's just everything takes so long.
I really feel for all these people on this site who are in pain, lonely and really missing someone or many people. Some have long lists.
Just thinking and wondering.
Take care
Mark
@2011panc, Me again! I forgot to tell you that the VA sent me a large kit of stop smoking tablets, patches and whatever. It's sitting right beside me on the floor. Expensive stuff but they send if for almost no charge, maybe a few bucks.
I suppose I ought to pick the pack up and pop a tab. I've tried it before but I really don't get it. Guess I'm still being stubborn.
OK, I'll try. You're making me laugh again. Thanks. Pushy much? LOL
@2011panc, "10,000 to 50,000 people." I think Murphys is about 2,300, but up and down Highway 4 there are a lot of people not included in the count. In our whole county there's around 48,500 people and it's a fair piece of ground. I think Angels Camp on my other side is about 5,000 something. The other big town is Arnold which is up higher about 4,000 ft. and the population is about 3,800. This is a popular vacation area for the people down in the SF Bay Area.
A picture of my little place.
This is good therapy for me so I'm not really off track here.