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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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parus, The gossip thing really bothers me. I talked with Mary over the years about gossip and how much I don't like it. It may be true and it may be garbage, I don't want to hear it. One piece of gossip about Mary came to me. Some one decided she weighed 4 hundred pounds and only slept all day and night. Sometime she got quit sick with grief and couldn't get up. I helped her then. But I told those gossip mongers that they got it all wrong and that was that. I've defended Mary against all that stuff. I did explain what she did but I guess it's her right and there is no law against ghosting your husband. So I try to deal with it. Some things are difficult but time will take care of it if I keep a level head. Thanks.
@muppey I have been off the internet lately and just today found a number of your posts. I feel that I need to reach out to you because of our past experiences. I too have had a great deal of loss in my lifetime. Coming from a family of 7 and my parents coming from families of 9 and 11, there were many lifetime events to experience.
37 years ago I also left a husband that I later discovered was an alcoholic. I say discovered because at the time I left I did not know what alcoholism really is. Since you are a member of AA, I know that you know that you have no control over Mary or anyone else in the community.
As a divorced person, I finally learned my part in the relationship than led to divorce. For me, we did not have shared long-term goals, nor did we agree on management of anything. Negotiating in his family was done at loud decibels and fueled by large quantities of liquor. I wanted to save 10% of income for our future, he wanted to spend what we made. I believe he wanted what he saw in me and my family when we married, but could not abide the time and discipline that took. With him I moved 8 times in 7 years. I truly believe he wanted and still wants peaceful living, enough income to be comfortable and good health. I just don't believe the way he was raised taught him how to achieve that. I say that because as little as 2 years ago he attempted to tell our oldest son that everything was my fault and added in some outright lies about me.
As for me, I moved on. I had to. I had 2 little children, one with physical, emotional and mental disabilities. I met another man a few years after my divorce and we have been a happy match for 33 years. Neither of likes to argue, so we talk about things in a manner to reach solutions. That means we cannot always say what comes to mind, because on the bald face of it the statement is hurtful and does not bring us closer to a resolution. We share the desire for a God-centered life, responsible financial management, good and healthy foods, and living neatly. True, nothing is perfect and we have had our moments, but overall we are each better people now that we were when we married. The same could not be said of the relationship with my ex-husband. During our 7 short years together we grew further apart every year.
The bottom line I am encouraging you toward is: return to your AA roots and replace the word alcohol with the word Mary; and determine your part in the split between you. Try looking at things through her eyes. Women carry words and attitudes differently than men but it never hurts to attempt a "few miles in their shoes."
Blessings and peace for your future.
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3 ReactionsThank you for replying, there may be support groups in my area, but not comfortable going, too small a community, and too much gossip. I have no insurance and cant afford therapy. I just dont want to be alone, ..... but no initiative to go out on my own, so just stay home alone with my pets. I live on a farm, have horses dogs and cats. they are what keeps me going. What keeps me getting up in the morning. I just want some one to come and get me and take me to church, bible study. to say I need your help. to feel needed again, to fit in like we did when my husband was still here, now it seems people dont know what to do with me, except to put me in the old widows pew at church. Everyone here in my community is related, or has lived here all their life, and dont understand an outsider that just wants to be a part, and fit in. They dont understand what its like to be totally alone. Even if they have lost a spouse, they have family close by, all my kids are along ways away, like only flying distance.
I think about dying every day, just want to go home to be with my loved ones. I dont believe in suicide, but I do believe in dying of a broken heart.
I know that things get better in the spring, as Im a farm person, so love being in the outdoors, I farm. So when I can be busy, I do better. but then winter comes again, and I just feel I cant go on. Does it get any better? Dont even go to church anymore, as I dont seem to fit anywhere. and I know that being alone is not the answer, just dont what the answer is.
Kathy
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2 Reactions@kathy4385 My condolences to you. Grief takes as long as it takes. I seem to move through it quickly, but maybe not. When my youngest was moved to a special needs home at the age of 7 I kept on keeping on, but it took 6 years for me to go through his room and begin using it again.
I hope you find a grief support group to help you understand that where you are in your grief is completely personal and acceptable. Isn't it amazing how our family members make us move in different directions? I also have felt the loneliness of being left alone.
I share with you what I share with my mother on ever visit now: You cannot die until you have finished your God-given work here on earth. I don't know what that thing is, but it will come into your life and you must take care of it. At this time you are valuable to me as my mother and I appreciate all you have taught me over the years as well as the things you are still teaching me and reminding me to complete.
Blessings.
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4 Reactionsthanks for the reply, seems you do understand, I have tried to share with friends, but most dont seem to understand. They seem to think that I should get over it, its been 2.5 years.
I have 9 horses, many cats in barn, and 2 dogs, one outside, one inside. and one indoor cat. My house dog goes everywhere with me. cant seem to sleep with out him, so recently got him certified as a ESA emotional service animal. so that he can travel with me on planes, and stay in motels w/o them charging me. My kids graciously send me tickets to see them but feel guilty if they have to pay for the dog too. So I'm hoping this is the solution. Riding horse is my best therapy, I am 60 yrs old, and have ridden since I was 4. so a huge part of my life. Cant imagine not having them in my life. the last 2 winters they have kept me getting up each day, kept me going.
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4 ReactionsHi John, made me laugh. We can all use a good laugh now and then or more often. I don't no that we would have made it to 50 but it's funny, a long time ago she said something which just stuck in my mind, I know why she said it and I would have granted her request. Mary said, "I get to go first!" She didn't want to be alone. Can't say that I blame her, it sucks. Just have to man up I guess. Not much else I can do. Get something going as soon as my head clears, been maybe 50 days now not that I'm counting, just seems that way. I fast tracked the divorce so I guess that's why I count, don't know for sure. She certainly went first but I wasn't thinking that way. Oh well. Time.
I want to ask the girls a question on female peculiars. Why does Mary call me "sweetheart" on the phone? Why did she want to rush up and hug me when she came to pick up her furniture and clothes? Twenty years ago this Oct 2 Mary placed a window sticker on our front door window. I read the rules of divorce does and don't and they said take down pictures and memories so you don't sit there pining. Anyway, I pulled the plastic sticker off but the paint on it stuck to the plexi glass window and if I tried to scrap it the window would look junky so I left the words "just married' on the window but covered them up with a blue high lighter I had. A few days later I looked and the window was clean and "just married' was showing bright and the window was clean, unlike the other windows. Why do women do that kind of thing? I know Mary did that because I know who's been in my house. The sticker was inside.
Hey John, got any clues you can throw me I'll take them. Not midnight yet so I'll be up a while, my whole way has changed and I don't like it...yet. Hah!
Woman can confuse men with a little wiggle and do other things that baffle us. Nothing mean here just wondering.
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2 ReactionsHi Kathy, I like this place! Just don't like being alone. Guess we're the same that way. My wife used to call me Farmer Hillyard. Don't have a farm but we lived here on ten acres in the country with cows on the other side of the street and I like it here. Tried to do a veggie garden and did pretty good until the well started going dry. Had to give that up but got a few crops. I had to haul water because of the drought here in California. Been rainy so I think I'll be ok for this summer.
What to do with a lonely broken heart? This is my second go around with divorce and this one is worse than the first. Can I give you any advice? I know about going to church and studying the Bible. Tried that but can't get my head around it right now.
Your broken heart is real and I know it, but doctors get crazy when you're in the hospital and they ask where it hurts and you cover your heart. Had a parade of doctors come through my room and ask a lot of questions. They thought I was nuts when I'd say "I wouldn't be here if Mary hadn't just disappeared on me." One doc was a smart ass and I threw words right back at him. The others were ok, but really they have no idea about your broken heart but I do.
Here's one idea. Don't think about dying everyday. The other morning at about 2am I was starting to feel another seizure coming on because the Doc was gone and couldn't fill my Rx. Anyway I was doing what I could to calm myself because it's weird doing that seizure thing, don't know when you'll wake up. Finally I thought of the VA and the night nurse so I called her and she told me to call the Crisis Center which I did. It's for both suicide people and anyone that needs to talk and it worked, I didn't have a seizure and was able to lay down and sleep. Problem is now my therapist thinks I'm thinking of laying down and dying, I'm not. I told her I want to get strong again.
Is there anything that will help occupy your mind. Waylon Jennings sings a song, Drinkin' and Dreamin', I don't drink or do drugs but I do think a lot and read. TV is boring. I'm making myself laugh because I'm writing thinking about what to do for you.
Guess I don't really know, wish I did. Lonely sucks.
You are a believer and so am I. I know that God knows what you are going through. I know He knows what's going on here but sometimes I get a little testy. I don't like that but I've been a stubborn guy all my life I guess. But I believe Him because of something that happened about four months or less before Mary left. I was going to lose things, just didn't think it was Mary. One person said it's because I'm a bad person, maybe I am but I never intentionally hurt anyone. Mostly because I'm a loner. Mary, I think, left me when she rejoined up with her crazy church about two years ago, she left about 50 days ago now.
But here goes, "It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” That is from Deut. to Joshua, but it's throughout the Book.
I guess that's not to bad for someone who doesn't know much but I know your heart is broken and who can heal a broken heart?
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;" Rev. 21
Maybe it's something like this which is a joke, probably picked it up from someone else. I want to learn patience and I want it now!
Sleep well.
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4 Reactions@muppey, hi. I've been reading this thread. Loss is hard when you don't understand the why. It kind of happened to me too. Wish we could all gather at your cottage, enjoy some tea, and laugh our brains out about whatever. I sure need that. Love to all, Dany
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4 Reactionsdanybegood, Hi, I wish I could say I'm totally innocent but I know I'm not. I don't think that gives anyone the right to gossip about me. It took me a while to digest the fact that a person who claims friendship repeated that gossip with me it has got me. We both are AA alcoholics and both sober, we would drive to meetings together, I don't understand gossip, even if it is true, guess that's harder to take than something you can defend yourself against. When Mary left I did buy a pint of peppermint schnapps, I drank half of it and when I got back from the hospital I threw the rest away. I can't afford to be a drunk again. I joined up with AA in 2011.
Soon after Mary left her dog groomer called looking for Mary and I told her she had left me and left it at that. Later my "friends" called and told me that the dog groomer lady had called her and told her what happened, she asked me over for dinner. They asked me what happened and I told them not expecting that she knew Traci who is Mary's girlfriend and an xray tech at the hospital. Guess that's where the gossip bomb came from and my so-called friends took it from there.
I called the Privacy Officer at the hospital and complained about someone disclosing info on me but I wouldn't pinpoint the person which upset the Officer, she kept probing me to revel the person but I didn't call for that I just wanted Mary's name off my records. Haven't heard from the officer since and I requested a return call and a note telling me she had contacted the xray department with a general letter of reprimand. I don't want to get Traci fired.
My first divorce was in the small town of Half Moon Bay, CA. I was involved with a church there and got in trouble over some misunderstanding's. This would take to long to explain but the preacher told me to shut up or leave the church. Later I got a call from a deacon telling me Donna had turned me over to the police for stalking her and many other accusations. This time I had done nothing and was innocent. I talked with the police and the sergeant was pissed with me but I told him if he wouldn't let me see the complaint form I'd go to the San Mateo DA. Cop showed it and I was shocked. I moved away to my brothers place in San Mateo, CA, my sons were grown and gone by now. Later I moved to the foothills with Mary and lived a pleasant life with her. Nothing is right anymore. I'm sort of locked down by my medical situation which puts a restriction on my driving but I have to go to town for food, it's to far to walk. I only drive to town which is against the law but what can I do? Aside from that this small town stuff aids in the spread of gossip and I don't know who knows and it gets your head crazy.
Thanks.
@muppey
I think that divorce and separation cause confusion of feelings and emotions. It's not just a woman thing - during a friend's divorce - after her husband had moved out and met with a divorce attorney he sent her an anniversary card (it was their 20th) then he called and said he was upset because she hadn't sent him one! Go figure 🙂
Teresa
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