Hi hopeful, Confusion! You are right. I'm sitting here because there's not much to do and it's raining which is good, fill up my well. I was doing a lot better before the gossip hit me, and it came from a "friend" and it's true. There were some letters and he said, "I know about the lertters." Great! If you know about that then I'm sure you know more! Didn't say that to him because it took a few days to comprehend what that entails.
Been wondering if I should just pick up and move out of here. I'd have to move to another small town but it's near my brothers and my youngest son. Money is the problem though. Can't figure it all so I really think I'll be here for a while at least.
Thanks! Mark

@muppey

Mark, I wrote a response but it disappeared after it took a long time trying to send. Maybe I'll try again later. I haven't been looking at the Mayo posts for a few days because they got backed up and it was too overwhelming for me.

Jim

I won't call. I figure she left because she's sick of me and I'm not going to put myself in any position where she can say something stupid like she already did. "How are your new girlfriends?" Mary returned to the Mormon church.
It's funny because right out of the Army I had a Mormon girlfriend for a short while. I was to strung for her and she started going away. She didn't just say let's not see each other. Anyway I'd call her and she started making fun of me almost like Mary did. So I figured it out and never called her again. It's funny because Wendy has always sent messages to me and the last one I got was somewhere around Feb 4-5, just after Mary left. I don't pay any attention to those because she was mean and I just walk away.
Not nice to break people's heart in any form. Death is different but when you have to see them or they want to talk to you it's kind of strange to me. I have strong feelings against traitors, I just walk away from them and that's it.

@muppey

Mark,

I met my wife in Atwater, California. I grew up in New York, from Brockport to Canandaigua to Jamestown. After I graduated from Jamestown high school, I went to Bible College and earned a BA in music and Bible. While I was in college, my father resigned from his position as pastor of a church and began to pastor a church in Atwater, California. My wife's family attended that church, and after I graduated from Bible College, and she graduated from Cal Berkeley, we were married.

I lived my whole life behind a mask. I always felt that if people knew what went on behind the masks, they wouldn't be saying such good things about me. I was a great pianist, but since I retired, I stopped practicing, and by now, when I play for worship at church, I know that I've had to simplify my playing because I don't have the technical skill to play as well as I used to. I want to practice, but with depression, I just walk past the piano and sit in my recliner.

As I said yesterday, I lost the message I wrote, so I'll try to summarize what I wrote in a separate post. I have to stop right now to call the doctor, and I'm afraid that I'll lose what I've written when I make a phone call. I'm sure it's possible to pause in my writing, but with my somewhat limited knowledge of the workings of my new phone, I don't know how to pause and return. So, I'll stop and write more later. Warning - I tend to get started writing and just keep going on.

Jim

Mark,

Maybe what I write is more than anyone wants to know, but I agree with you that it helps to put some things in writing.

After college, I began 25 years of music ministry in California and Oregon. Much of my PTSD is attributable to bosses who mentally and verbally abused me, my bosses being pastors. My last ten years of active ministry was being a pastor in a very small, remote town. I had planned to stay for 20, but mental health issues and pseudo Christians cut that short. A few women who were angry that I wouldn't permit them to use our church for meetings. They were part of a group that was meeting in another town. They teach things that I, and my denomination, don't subscribe to. Because I was so deeply depressed, it took me awhile to check them out, get direction from my superiors, and tell them my decision. They went ballistic! They got together and made up some lies about me and over the course of 6 months infected the congregation with their slander and libel. The letter writing stopped when I threatened legal action against them.

I guess it should go without saying that all of that garbage, added to the depression, anxiety, PTSD and suicidal ideation, forced me into early retirement on Social Security disability. I resigned in October of 2006. We moved 175 miles away from there. It took me 31 trips with the pickup and horse trailer, the pickup and Uhaul trailers, twice with the biggest Uhaul truck, plus our other vehicles. Not one person offered to help with the move. It took us 3 or 4 months to get everything moved. I'm sure that we'd have done it much more quickly if I hadn't been curled up in bed so much of the time.

I'm still ordained, and occasionally fill in for pastors, and I lead worship from the piano on Sunday evenings. The pastor only knows a small percentage of my history, but he does know about the depression and chronic pain. He's been going through treatment for several years for cancer, and after some of the treatments he becomes very depressed and sits in his recliner under his blanket. So he understands what I feel. The difference is that his is short term and connected to the treatments, while mine is never ending. Often, I want to stay home on Sunday, but my wife reminds me how much it means to the people for me to play and sing. So, I get dressed and make the drive.

I guess you can tell that I understand the gossip issue, Mark. It only takes a few false remarks to do permanent damage, and once it's been said, there's no taking it back.

Therapists have helped me work through the morass of long term pain and I forgave my abusers long ago. I've discovered that even having done that, the damage has been done. I know all of the self help talk about letting go of the past. Trouble with that is that things in the past can cause permanent harm, and it's a farce to believe that it doesn't. It's really hard to listen to people spout off about forgetting the past.

That being said, I'm working now to move forward as a wounded man. I know that God's spirit is in me, helping me see the things that are harming my spirit. Otherwise, I would have given up on living years ago.

I don't know how many points there were in this sermon, but I will close by saying that the promise of heaven sounds better all the time.

Jim

Jim
You been reading my mail? That sounds so true to me it's kind of like I know you already. Churchy people can be the meanest sort of self righteous nit wits. One lady on youtube caught my post which was a little bit controversial but I really can't stand uppity two shoes who think they can say things this lady has said, "God is punishing you for being, (something like a repressor of my wife and basically a real bad sinner). Well I'm no Job or anything like that but I know that God allowed the attacks and torment from Satan because he knew Job would not blame God, nor would he listen to his wife who told him to curse God and die. God didn't punish anyone but his enemies. He doesn't punish us but there comes trouble and it hurts a lot, so keep your chin up.
I know you are hurting because I've been there and I know what they do to you if you do not toe their line. Ever think of that Jim? Maybe you are right and they are wrong. I never really thought of how I was very happy and really loved singing hymns whenever I the opportunity arrived, wish I knew music.
What happened is a long story but I got kicked out of churches when I attempted to say something about their mistakes. "Get out of my house and you are not welcome back." OK! I went a bit crazy but I never cursed God. Just asked him for a brain.
I get you! Don't let them get to you. Dig out some high note music and blast it out.
My shoulder is hurting and my beans are cooked. Let's work on this because like I said, 'You been reading my mail??"