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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Hi @muppey -- I'm glad you are able to share your feelings. I'm guessing it's not an easy thing for men or women to do. I struggle with it but when I have had to share when I'm hurting I've always been blessed with a friend who is willing to listen. I think I can only remember a few times when my wife and I were struggling with a pre-teenager with mental health issues and not knowing what to do. I can remember being consumed with all sorts of emotions and probably the first time I had ever contemplated suicide. It was the same for my wife until we found a support group and a safe place to share our greatest fears only to find out we were not alone. That was a long time ago before the Internet. Now days I think that we have the ability to share our feelings here on Connect and others that are not quite there yet can read and maybe find a level of understanding and comfort that may help them. Which hopefully will snowball so that we can reach folks in need of help and understanding.
Wishing for peace and strength for all...
John
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4 Reactions@muppey, I am sorry for your pain and loss. Someone very close to me just had the same thing happen to them. I'm leaving because I am not having fun - poof, gone. If my spouse left everytime she was not having fun, or me for that matter, we would be leaving and returning every three days. Abandoned two teen boys and now the person who left is seeing psychs and therapist's weekly and certainly does not appear to be having fun right now. As a man, I assure you, I feel pain, loss, regret, guilt and every other emotion that humans feel. The generation before ours was weak if they talked about it. I think it is exactly the opposite; the ability to vocalize your pain takes someone who is very strong because of the stigma attached and I will discuss my anxiety and depression and physical issues with anyone if it can help take that stigma away for them or give them something that lessens their pain. I believe strongly that pain shared is reduced - I don't know about halved as is said by many - but it is definitely lessened. Did you ever get any type of explanation for the "ghosting" that you could understand? I am certain Mary is still dealing with grief, but if addressed with a therapist or counselor, I would expect it to be less consuming after 22 years. If you are a reader, check out Sheryl Sandberg's book "Plan B". She lost her husband to a massive heart attack on vacation when he was in his early forty's. She is a VP with Facebook and he was a venture capital guy, so yes she had every resource available to anyone, but it also shows that money will not fix every problem and hurt. Some of the things she learned from a psychiatrist friend are very powerful for dealing with loss. I got it on audio and tried to forget to some degree that I was listening to a lady worth 1/2 a bullion bucks, but found that it really didn't matter - her pain and grief was very much like mine and her detailing her ways of working her way back to a functioning high energy/high performance employee, attentive and consoling mother and eventually dating for fun is so very valuable and powerful. If you check it out, please let me know what you think. Blessings, Gary
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3 ReactionsJim, Really don't know where to start with your post. It's kind of heavy and I'm not a real social, or medical person myself. There is always hope so don't give up. Depression is very numbing and I understand as I was dumb numb struck by what happened. I've been resisting going down because I'm not letting those idiots who conspired with my wife to get to me any more than they have. It's a cult church thing. I'm new to all this but if I've time to think something will come up because I really want to help you. I know it's shit but it's what happened to you and don't let anyone disregard you. Not many want to listen to you, I know by my present experience. I really can't just say, be happy, because I know that doesn't come with a light switch.
What I've done when I was talking with my VA therapist is I told her, (when she asked if I was suicidal) no, I said I want to get strong again. Maybe that will piss those idiots off, maybe they don't even give a hoot, but I'm not letting them do any more harm to me. However I can't combat the gossip bombs the x left behind. Small town you know.
Since 2005? Jim, that's a long time. I've been reading and some people are really still there for such a long time. I will not be taken down by those who have harmed me, I just won't. I'm going to get better, kinda weak right now but I suppose that happened because of the two seizure's and almost another one. Taking some anti-seizure stuff now. Of course my wife leaving me so suddenly, like a ghost, she was just gone.
On loneliness I really get that as I was one lonely kid starting in fourth grade. My family was poor and we lived in Burlingame, CA. Right above us is Hillsborough a very wealthy uppity and powerful place. That's where my early friends came from, but as I grew older and I was sort of a bully they pulled away from me completely. It was at a Catholic private school. So from then on thru hi school etc. and when I got out of the Army I was pretty much a loner, now I am again as my only friends dropped a gossip bomb on me. "I know about those letters." Really, I know you listen to gossip now. People can be so ignorant and stupid.
Do you have anything to occupy yourself with? What do you do for entertainment? Something to do helps a lot. This forum let's me blow off steam.
I live in the country, Foothills, Gold Country, Mark Twain Jumping Frog of Angels Camp one way and Murphys the other way. One big reason for my isolation now is the hospital has to report my problem to the DMV which puts a medical restriction on my driving. Gotta break the law about every day now so I can get mail, food etc. Kind of dumb but I get their point.
This is getting kind of long but I want to say that I've dealt with my x wife for 22 years. Six months before I met her lost in the woods her son had died of suicide. The grief and pain are real and terrible thing for Mary. I tried to comfort her but it was so long. She also hated with a burning passion her x husband whom she blamed in part for her sons suicide. She'd go into a rage and curse and scream and hate on that guy. After about 3 years of talking with her and asking her to stop her hatred she really did come to stop it. The downfall for me is that snake came back at family parties, Christmas etc. and after many years that creep was able to convince my wife to leave me. Why would she call me sweat heart on the phone if she could do that to me? Very mind numbing stuff and she doesn't seem to care. The country singer Waylon Jennings has a song on youtube called "What bothers me most', is it doesn't bother you." Kind of says it all for me. Been a fan of his since the '60s.
Just to say...the other day around 2am I was trying to avert another seizure, which things are very weird, I went under for 5-6 hours. Anyway I was in a hospital when I woke around 12:30 pm with doctors and my brother staring at me.
What I did to avert the 3rd (of Feb) seizure was I called the VA Crisis center which deals with suicide case's. The lady there was great and let me talk a lot of stuff. It worked.
My wife of 22 years ghosted me one day and called from 150 miles away and said she's filing for divorce and that set off a chain of events which were increasingly mean and I was shutting down and I knew it but was to confused to think straight. Finally I got my shaky fingers around the phone and called 911. Seemed like what you'd see in the movies when a guy can hardly make it to the phone. What really got me was when the paramedic yelled out when I was about half conscious, "Crap man are you trying to kill yourself?" No! Then she yelled to the driver to speed 'er up we need to get there fast. Sheesh my wife almost killed me. That's something I can't fathom yet. She doesn't know and I'm not saying.
Write back and tell me what you do for a living and fun and other stuff. You almost made me cry and I'm a man. Thought I was a lot stronger than this. Stay with us because we really care.
parus, I don't understand what you mean by "Grief from losses also carries a lot of shame." I'm not ashamed, I'm just messed up for a while. Please explain! Not putting you down just don't understand what that means.
johnbishop, Ha, those two words are triggers for me don't you know? Just kidding but I almost passed you by because of those two names together. In the course of events...Jon is my wife's sons name and he, I thought was my friend. When my wife just disappeared on Feb 1 he drove up here, from 150 miles away, where Mary went, that same day and with Mary's girlfriend, also part of the plan against me, they knocked on my door and by this time I'd been hit with three other events all in the span of a few hours. Anyway I opened the door and Traci barged past me and Jon took up a guard positon at my door, like he was what, an asshole. Anyway I went back to the bedroom and gave Traci Mary's medicine and she stuffed it in the bag. They grabbed a suitcase and our little dog and left. Guess I could have had them arrested but I'm not vindictive. I was in shock by that time so couldn't resist or really say anything. Good friends huh.
Now that bishop word. Much dislike which could lead into much hatred. The church Mary rejoined has a whole series of elders, priests, presidents, other jerks and a Bishop in each ward. No woman in that church, from out of Salt Lake City, does anything so drastic as divorce without getting the bishops approval and encouragement as I will not be part of that cult. Their is also the problem of Mary's 1st x, Steve L., who is an ordained Melchizedek priest in the cult. Understand that these men have authority over the women. Anyway it's bizarre but he'd show up at parties and was able to talk to Mary and finally able to seduce her into leaving me. I have plenty of evidence of this, and I've visited their Temples and Wards. They are nuts.
Keep your name I was mostly, but not completely, kidding as to the trigger words. Mary could not stand me saying something like "I'm going to hang out." That's because her son hung himself in 1996 on Easter Sunday, which is coming up and I know she's crying.
Call me Mr. Clueless but I was completely blind sided by all this. Use to tell Mary that Paula was the meanest woman I'd ever been with or meet. Now I'm changing that and dear, sweet Mary comes up 1st in mean. If she finds out she'll be upset but I'm not telling.
Thanks
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1 ReactionThanks lisalucier, I knew the dog should be with Mary, muppey would follow her every where and when she hesitated by me while looking at Mary I'd tell, go with Mary, and she'd trot off and hesitate, look at me, then go.
The card thing is goofy because I'm not sure I want to. She also might take it as a plea for her. She's to mean and what the para medic said still haunts me. "Crap man are you trying to kill yourself?" no, then she told the driver to speed'er up we have to get there fast. What?"
Anyway thanks for those names. I've got lots of time on my hands now. Days used to go by a lot faster with Mary and Muppey here. Now it takes about four days each.
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1 ReactionThanks parus. I wasn't thinking like that, more like self preservation but I'll take your thoughts into consideration. When I met Mary I hadn't been nor was I looking for a woman, that was a ten year streak and I was happy to go to my cabin alone for long weekends. I was a contractor and would schedule my jobs so I was able to do that a lot. Took my sons when I could.
Take care!
Thanks Gary, like I said in another post this is more like my self preservation. I took it with not much talking for 45 days and then decided I can't be here in the middle of no where and think I can make progress. A few times my brother came buy he also picked me up at the hospital twice. The other guy came by a week or so ago and while we were talking he dropped a gossip bomb on me. How this stuff spreads in a small town...anyway I'm thinking that was kind of shtty for him to do that and where did he find out about it. "I know about those letters!" O really! I know you listen to gossip.
Anyway, thanks. I think I'll re read your post.
@muppey -- Ouch! Hate it when my name is a trigger word. You must mean that famous John Bishop that is a comedian and from the U.K. In my younger pre-married days I was blind sided by a "girl" friend my sister hooked me up with after I had joined the Navy and was home for leave. Was just getting to really like her and had a date with her to go bowling when she asked if a friend could join us. Like a dummy I said you bet. Her friend met her at the bowling alley and much to my surprise it was her real boy friend. I think they thought I was around to pay for the fun. Worked out for me though. She got to ride home with him and he got to pay for the bowling after I left. Then 4 years later I met the love of my life on a Greyhound bus, we ended up getting married about 6 months later and are now close to celebrating our 53 year anniversary in three months. Not that we haven't had our moments but I learned those two words that fit almost every situation - yes dear. She's in much better health than I am so I am extra nice nowadays because I know that crabby old men get to go to the nursing home when us old nice guys may be fortunate enough to have a live in care giver. ☺
Can't believe it's only Monday!
John
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4 ReactionsNever thought about that parus, about not sharing much with the kids. Haven't done much of that because I know they're busy with their families, etc.and I don't like whining especially when people don't want to listen. Here I don't consider whining, I appreciate the help. I did have to tell them about my seizures but I didn't want to blab it all over. My brother Mike picked me up at the hospital so he told my family. What bugged me about my stay at the hospital is one of Mary's girlfriends is an xray tech there and she saw my name and told Mary, wasn't going to do that. She pestered me for details but I just said I'm fine and go away. She tried it twice and Mary was pacing the floor behind her. Traci was there because Mary and her son were getting her stuff on a Saturday. Thanks for the info.
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