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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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punkinpie, No this crying is not feeling sorry for your self, it's called mourning, cry, let the tears go. I miss my little dog, Muppey. A sad story on our little dog, she's fine but I miss her. A little poodle mix, she used to lick my bald head when I was sleeping. I'd wake up sometimes and other times Mary would tell me that Muppey had licked my head for so long. She's cute.
OK! I am a man, men don't cry, yes we do, I've been in construction for a long time and could lift and jiggle those beams by myself. Always thought I was strong until Mary left me, ghosted, gone, no clue.
Anyway, several hours after a lot of stuff happened her son Jon and her girlfriend Traci knocked on my door, I knew Mary was already not coming home. The two acted like home invaders and I was in shock from what Mary did so I couldn't resist if I wanted to. Traci grabbed Mary's clothes and suitcase I put Mary's meds in the bag. Then they grabbed Muppey and left. They treated me like a piece of something and I thought they were my friends, they didn't even say shit to me.
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1 ReactionDo any men post here? Maybe they don't feel like feeling. I'm a man and darned if it don't hurt a lot. Not getting drunk or anything. Sure is lonely though.
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2 Reactions@muppey
I haven't taken part in this discussion, but I know what you mean about "don't feel like feeling". My loss isn't the death of someone close. It's more about the loss of my self to depression and other stuff. I've never been very expressive of my feelings - I could say it's a side effect of being a native New Englander, transplanted to the west coast. But in 2005, I kind of imploded - I don't know a better way to express my experience. I attempted suicide several times and spiraled downward into a deep, dark hole of depression.
I've found that depression tends to be numbing. Thoughts come, such as: I don't care; what's it like to be happy; just leave me alone; etc.
But maybe grief and loss generate numbness not unlike depression, and many people become depressed after a loss.
I didn't go back through this discussion to see what you're going through, but I know that men do traditionally stuff their feelings. I'm a prime example, unfortunately.
I get the loneliness, for sure.
Jim
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5 Reactions@muppey I am sorry for what has happened to you and realize this doesn't help you except to know others have been through losses and being "ghosted" is horrific. Small towns can also be cruel places to live. People can do cruel things to others in order to feel good about themselves.
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4 Reactions@jimhd Uh, Jim...men are not the only ones to stuff their feelings. Here is the only place I share much. Loss is a difficult thing. There are some losses one may not fully recover from. I live surrounded by death and dying. 3 apartments opened up in one week. 2 to nursing homes to wait to die and one moving in with her daughter who does not want to see her mother in a nursing home. All tragic losses have me by the throat again. My depression had lifted a little. Now reality has returned. Grief from losses also carries a lot of shame.
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4 Reactions@muppey There are a few. I believe it is good you have posted. That army attitude does not always stop the loneliness and to step outside of such is brave. I am not a veteran. @jimhd Has insight and contributes much and does not hesitate to express his feelings. In my female opinion it takes a real man to do so.
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3 Reactions@muppey so hope the therapist can help you some. Sounds like you were a good father. If you are like most caring parents you do not allow your children to know how much you are hurting. April 5th is soon arriving. Glad you shared.
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3 Reactions@parus You have made a good point about cruelty - it often reflects poor self esteem. I appreciate your mentioning that.
Teresa
Hi, @muppey -- just wanted to add my welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I'm really glad you've found this community. You have been through an excruciating amount of loss and betrayal. I can't begin to imagine how much all of what you've gone through recently would hurt.
You mentioned going to an appointment with a therapist and having another appointment for April 5. What if you were to call and ask to move up your appointment to an earlier date, since you are in such acute pain and have so much to process right now?
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3 ReactionsHi, @muppey -- I'm really glad you've begun to get to know @jimhd. I also wanted to introduce you to @IndianaScott, @johnbishop and @gman007, all of whom may have some helpful thoughts on your situation with your wife of many years going to the hair salon and never returning, plus the loss of your dog who went with her, and feeling betrayed by those who helped her. They may also have some thoughts on your question of whether to send her a card on the anniversary of her son's death, which you mentioned here: http://mayocl.in/2G4WKQV.
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