Hi Kathy, I like this place! Just don't like being alone. Guess we're the same that way. My wife used to call me Farmer Hillyard. Don't have a farm but we lived here on ten acres in the country with cows on the other side of the street and I like it here. Tried to do a veggie garden and did pretty good until the well started going dry. Had to give that up but got a few crops. I had to haul water because of the drought here in California. Been rainy so I think I'll be ok for this summer.
What to do with a lonely broken heart? This is my second go around with divorce and this one is worse than the first. Can I give you any advice? I know about going to church and studying the Bible. Tried that but can't get my head around it right now.
Your broken heart is real and I know it, but doctors get crazy when you're in the hospital and they ask where it hurts and you cover your heart. Had a parade of doctors come through my room and ask a lot of questions. They thought I was nuts when I'd say "I wouldn't be here if Mary hadn't just disappeared on me." One doc was a smart ass and I threw words right back at him. The others were ok, but really they have no idea about your broken heart but I do.
Here's one idea. Don't think about dying everyday. The other morning at about 2am I was starting to feel another seizure coming on because the Doc was gone and couldn't fill my Rx. Anyway I was doing what I could to calm myself because it's weird doing that seizure thing, don't know when you'll wake up. Finally I thought of the VA and the night nurse so I called her and she told me to call the Crisis Center which I did. It's for both suicide people and anyone that needs to talk and it worked, I didn't have a seizure and was able to lay down and sleep. Problem is now my therapist thinks I'm thinking of laying down and dying, I'm not. I told her I want to get strong again.
Is there anything that will help occupy your mind. Waylon Jennings sings a song, Drinkin' and Dreamin', I don't drink or do drugs but I do think a lot and read. TV is boring. I'm making myself laugh because I'm writing thinking about what to do for you.
Guess I don't really know, wish I did. Lonely sucks.
You are a believer and so am I. I know that God knows what you are going through. I know He knows what's going on here but sometimes I get a little testy. I don't like that but I've been a stubborn guy all my life I guess. But I believe Him because of something that happened about four months or less before Mary left. I was going to lose things, just didn't think it was Mary. One person said it's because I'm a bad person, maybe I am but I never intentionally hurt anyone. Mostly because I'm a loner. Mary, I think, left me when she rejoined up with her crazy church about two years ago, she left about 50 days ago now.
But here goes, "It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” That is from Deut. to Joshua, but it's throughout the Book.
I guess that's not to bad for someone who doesn't know much but I know your heart is broken and who can heal a broken heart?
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;" Rev. 21
Maybe it's something like this which is a joke, probably picked it up from someone else. I want to learn patience and I want it now!
Sleep well.

@muppey, hi. I've been reading this thread. Loss is hard when you don't understand the why. It kind of happened to me too. Wish we could all gather at your cottage, enjoy some tea, and laugh our brains out about whatever. I sure need that. Love to all, Dany

danybegood, Hi, I wish I could say I'm totally innocent but I know I'm not. I don't think that gives anyone the right to gossip about me. It took me a while to digest the fact that a person who claims friendship repeated that gossip with me it has got me. We both are AA alcoholics and both sober, we would drive to meetings together, I don't understand gossip, even if it is true, guess that's harder to take than something you can defend yourself against. When Mary left I did buy a pint of peppermint schnapps, I drank half of it and when I got back from the hospital I threw the rest away. I can't afford to be a drunk again. I joined up with AA in 2011.

Soon after Mary left her dog groomer called looking for Mary and I told her she had left me and left it at that. Later my "friends" called and told me that the dog groomer lady had called her and told her what happened, she asked me over for dinner. They asked me what happened and I told them not expecting that she knew Traci who is Mary's girlfriend and an xray tech at the hospital. Guess that's where the gossip bomb came from and my so-called friends took it from there.

I called the Privacy Officer at the hospital and complained about someone disclosing info on me but I wouldn't pinpoint the person which upset the Officer, she kept probing me to revel the person but I didn't call for that I just wanted Mary's name off my records. Haven't heard from the officer since and I requested a return call and a note telling me she had contacted the xray department with a general letter of reprimand. I don't want to get Traci fired.

My first divorce was in the small town of Half Moon Bay, CA. I was involved with a church there and got in trouble over some misunderstanding's. This would take to long to explain but the preacher told me to shut up or leave the church. Later I got a call from a deacon telling me Donna had turned me over to the police for stalking her and many other accusations. This time I had done nothing and was innocent. I talked with the police and the sergeant was pissed with me but I told him if he wouldn't let me see the complaint form I'd go to the San Mateo DA. Cop showed it and I was shocked. I moved away to my brothers place in San Mateo, CA, my sons were grown and gone by now. Later I moved to the foothills with Mary and lived a pleasant life with her. Nothing is right anymore. I'm sort of locked down by my medical situation which puts a restriction on my driving but I have to go to town for food, it's to far to walk. I only drive to town which is against the law but what can I do? Aside from that this small town stuff aids in the spread of gossip and I don't know who knows and it gets your head crazy.
Thanks.

I sounds contradictory in the above post but it turned out that way because the Privacy Officer kept probing me and I refused to give out Traci's name. Just confused. Guilty as charged, "...judge not least you be judged."

thanks for the note, The one think I know that has not left me is God, My relationship has gotten much stronger with him since being abandoned, and left alone, God never leaves us, I am confident of that. Been keeping my mind on Him, doing study's on grief, depression, and loneliness. Memorizing a lot of scriptures too. Listen to our churches sermons on Pod Cast. Its just not the same as being there, and just dont feel I belong anymore, cant explain.
I spend a lot of time with my horses, and outside cutting wood or gardening or mowing. but that is summer time stuff. Its the winters I have such a hard time with.
Also miss being able to have foster kids, seems the county doesn't need lonely people like me to take care of kids.
thanks for the visit

@munashi I once wrote an article about patience to recount my experiences. I have prayed for patience since I was a teenager and God has definitely answered that prayer and answered it with a resounding YES! Since you are requesting it do not be surprised when irritating things start popping up in your life and you find yourself waiting on other people to do, start, or finish a joint project. Just start watching for them. They will come.

2011panc, I don't know that i'd pray for patience again, takes to long! I really did ask for patience way back when I was about 25. You are right about "irritating things start popping up". I'll make it but darn, people think your crazy sometimes. When Mary and her son came up here to get her stuff I was polite and helped load some of the stuff. Kind of irritated me that they left Mary's office a mess with stuff they didn't want. Haven't been back there since. Cost me $40,000 to build it for her but she was really to sick to continue so I told her to quit after about six months, beautiful office, looks better than our cottage. Oh well.

Something Mary said and believed. Someone asked her years ago what church she belongs to. Mary said the river is my church where I go to pray.

@gman007, You said, " I would expect it to be less consuming after 22 years." I really don't get what you mean by that. Are you saying that because we were together for 22 years that it should be easier to get rid of her, or her me? Not being testy but I've always had this attitude that people aren't disposable at the wave of a hand. I've really had that thought for many years and
way before I met Mary, we even talked about it.
I know Mary has a lot of support with her family and her church people. It's also interesting to me that she burned her bridges well, including selling her car. Why would she do that? The reason in my mind is she was advised to do that in order that she couldn't change her mind and come back after a week or so, does happen. Her x husband Steve was a car salesman, very clever and sneaky, and I know he has been working on getting Mary away from me since 1998, just didn't think Mary would ever fall for his crap, she hated him! But those people are very persistent. I did my research as I was certain he is a sociopath, lots of evidence and I talked with my VA therapist about it. She told me she's dealt with some of them.
Thanks.
Mark