Do any men post here? Maybe they don't feel like feeling. I'm a man and darned if it don't hurt a lot. Not getting drunk or anything. Sure is lonely though.

@muppey

I haven't taken part in this discussion, but I know what you mean about "don't feel like feeling". My loss isn't the death of someone close. It's more about the loss of my self to depression and other stuff. I've never been very expressive of my feelings - I could say it's a side effect of being a native New Englander, transplanted to the west coast. But in 2005, I kind of imploded - I don't know a better way to express my experience. I attempted suicide several times and spiraled downward into a deep, dark hole of depression.

I've found that depression tends to be numbing. Thoughts come, such as: I don't care; what's it like to be happy; just leave me alone; etc.

But maybe grief and loss generate numbness not unlike depression, and many people become depressed after a loss.

I didn't go back through this discussion to see what you're going through, but I know that men do traditionally stuff their feelings. I'm a prime example, unfortunately.

I get the loneliness, for sure.

Jim

@muppey There are a few. I believe it is good you have posted. That army attitude does not always stop the loneliness and to step outside of such is brave. I am not a veteran. @jimhd Has insight and contributes much and does not hesitate to express his feelings. In my female opinion it takes a real man to do so.

Hi, @muppey -- I'm really glad you've begun to get to know @jimhd. I also wanted to introduce you to @IndianaScott, @johnbishop and @gman007, all of whom may have some helpful thoughts on your situation with your wife of many years going to the hair salon and never returning, plus the loss of your dog who went with her, and feeling betrayed by those who helped her. They may also have some thoughts on your question of whether to send her a card on the anniversary of her son's death, which you mentioned here: http://mayocl.in/2G4WKQV.

@muppey, I am sorry for your pain and loss. Someone very close to me just had the same thing happen to them. I'm leaving because I am not having fun - poof, gone. If my spouse left everytime she was not having fun, or me for that matter, we would be leaving and returning every three days. Abandoned two teen boys and now the person who left is seeing psychs and therapist's weekly and certainly does not appear to be having fun right now. As a man, I assure you, I feel pain, loss, regret, guilt and every other emotion that humans feel. The generation before ours was weak if they talked about it. I think it is exactly the opposite; the ability to vocalize your pain takes someone who is very strong because of the stigma attached and I will discuss my anxiety and depression and physical issues with anyone if it can help take that stigma away for them or give them something that lessens their pain. I believe strongly that pain shared is reduced - I don't know about halved as is said by many - but it is definitely lessened. Did you ever get any type of explanation for the "ghosting" that you could understand? I am certain Mary is still dealing with grief, but if addressed with a therapist or counselor, I would expect it to be less consuming after 22 years. If you are a reader, check out Sheryl Sandberg's book "Plan B". She lost her husband to a massive heart attack on vacation when he was in his early forty's. She is a VP with Facebook and he was a venture capital guy, so yes she had every resource available to anyone, but it also shows that money will not fix every problem and hurt. Some of the things she learned from a psychiatrist friend are very powerful for dealing with loss. I got it on audio and tried to forget to some degree that I was listening to a lady worth 1/2 a bullion bucks, but found that it really didn't matter - her pain and grief was very much like mine and her detailing her ways of working her way back to a functioning high energy/high performance employee, attentive and consoling mother and eventually dating for fun is so very valuable and powerful. If you check it out, please let me know what you think. Blessings, Gary

Jim, Really don't know where to start with your post. It's kind of heavy and I'm not a real social, or medical person myself. There is always hope so don't give up. Depression is very numbing and I understand as I was dumb numb struck by what happened. I've been resisting going down because I'm not letting those idiots who conspired with my wife to get to me any more than they have. It's a cult church thing. I'm new to all this but if I've time to think something will come up because I really want to help you. I know it's shit but it's what happened to you and don't let anyone disregard you. Not many want to listen to you, I know by my present experience. I really can't just say, be happy, because I know that doesn't come with a light switch.
What I've done when I was talking with my VA therapist is I told her, (when she asked if I was suicidal) no, I said I want to get strong again. Maybe that will piss those idiots off, maybe they don't even give a hoot, but I'm not letting them do any more harm to me. However I can't combat the gossip bombs the x left behind. Small town you know.
Since 2005? Jim, that's a long time. I've been reading and some people are really still there for such a long time. I will not be taken down by those who have harmed me, I just won't. I'm going to get better, kinda weak right now but I suppose that happened because of the two seizure's and almost another one. Taking some anti-seizure stuff now. Of course my wife leaving me so suddenly, like a ghost, she was just gone.
On loneliness I really get that as I was one lonely kid starting in fourth grade. My family was poor and we lived in Burlingame, CA. Right above us is Hillsborough a very wealthy uppity and powerful place. That's where my early friends came from, but as I grew older and I was sort of a bully they pulled away from me completely. It was at a Catholic private school. So from then on thru hi school etc. and when I got out of the Army I was pretty much a loner, now I am again as my only friends dropped a gossip bomb on me. "I know about those letters." Really, I know you listen to gossip now. People can be so ignorant and stupid.
Do you have anything to occupy yourself with? What do you do for entertainment? Something to do helps a lot. This forum let's me blow off steam.
I live in the country, Foothills, Gold Country, Mark Twain Jumping Frog of Angels Camp one way and Murphys the other way. One big reason for my isolation now is the hospital has to report my problem to the DMV which puts a medical restriction on my driving. Gotta break the law about every day now so I can get mail, food etc. Kind of dumb but I get their point.

This is getting kind of long but I want to say that I've dealt with my x wife for 22 years. Six months before I met her lost in the woods her son had died of suicide. The grief and pain are real and terrible thing for Mary. I tried to comfort her but it was so long. She also hated with a burning passion her x husband whom she blamed in part for her sons suicide. She'd go into a rage and curse and scream and hate on that guy. After about 3 years of talking with her and asking her to stop her hatred she really did come to stop it. The downfall for me is that snake came back at family parties, Christmas etc. and after many years that creep was able to convince my wife to leave me. Why would she call me sweat heart on the phone if she could do that to me? Very mind numbing stuff and she doesn't seem to care. The country singer Waylon Jennings has a song on youtube called "What bothers me most', is it doesn't bother you." Kind of says it all for me. Been a fan of his since the '60s.

Just to say...the other day around 2am I was trying to avert another seizure, which things are very weird, I went under for 5-6 hours. Anyway I was in a hospital when I woke around 12:30 pm with doctors and my brother staring at me.
What I did to avert the 3rd (of Feb) seizure was I called the VA Crisis center which deals with suicide case's. The lady there was great and let me talk a lot of stuff. It worked.
My wife of 22 years ghosted me one day and called from 150 miles away and said she's filing for divorce and that set off a chain of events which were increasingly mean and I was shutting down and I knew it but was to confused to think straight. Finally I got my shaky fingers around the phone and called 911. Seemed like what you'd see in the movies when a guy can hardly make it to the phone. What really got me was when the paramedic yelled out when I was about half conscious, "Crap man are you trying to kill yourself?" No! Then she yelled to the driver to speed 'er up we need to get there fast. Sheesh my wife almost killed me. That's something I can't fathom yet. She doesn't know and I'm not saying.

Write back and tell me what you do for a living and fun and other stuff. You almost made me cry and I'm a man. Thought I was a lot stronger than this. Stay with us because we really care.

Thanks lisalucier, I knew the dog should be with Mary, muppey would follow her every where and when she hesitated by me while looking at Mary I'd tell, go with Mary, and she'd trot off and hesitate, look at me, then go.
The card thing is goofy because I'm not sure I want to. She also might take it as a plea for her. She's to mean and what the para medic said still haunts me. "Crap man are you trying to kill yourself?" no, then she told the driver to speed'er up we have to get there fast. What?"
Anyway thanks for those names. I've got lots of time on my hands now. Days used to go by a lot faster with Mary and Muppey here. Now it takes about four days each.

Thanks parus. I wasn't thinking like that, more like self preservation but I'll take your thoughts into consideration. When I met Mary I hadn't been nor was I looking for a woman, that was a ten year streak and I was happy to go to my cabin alone for long weekends. I was a contractor and would schedule my jobs so I was able to do that a lot. Took my sons when I could.
Take care!

Thanks Gary, like I said in another post this is more like my self preservation. I took it with not much talking for 45 days and then decided I can't be here in the middle of no where and think I can make progress. A few times my brother came buy he also picked me up at the hospital twice. The other guy came by a week or so ago and while we were talking he dropped a gossip bomb on me. How this stuff spreads in a small town...anyway I'm thinking that was kind of shtty for him to do that and where did he find out about it. "I know about those letters!" O really! I know you listen to gossip.
Anyway, thanks. I think I'll re read your post.

Thank you for replying, there may be support groups in my area, but not comfortable going, too small a community, and too much gossip. I have no insurance and cant afford therapy. I just dont want to be alone, ..... but no initiative to go out on my own, so just stay home alone with my pets. I live on a farm, have horses dogs and cats. they are what keeps me going. What keeps me getting up in the morning. I just want some one to come and get me and take me to church, bible study. to say I need your help. to feel needed again, to fit in like we did when my husband was still here, now it seems people dont know what to do with me, except to put me in the old widows pew at church. Everyone here in my community is related, or has lived here all their life, and dont understand an outsider that just wants to be a part, and fit in. They dont understand what its like to be totally alone. Even if they have lost a spouse, they have family close by, all my kids are along ways away, like only flying distance.
I think about dying every day, just want to go home to be with my loved ones. I dont believe in suicide, but I do believe in dying of a broken heart.
I know that things get better in the spring, as Im a farm person, so love being in the outdoors, I farm. So when I can be busy, I do better. but then winter comes again, and I just feel I cant go on. Does it get any better? Dont even go to church anymore, as I dont seem to fit anywhere. and I know that being alone is not the answer, just dont what the answer is.
Kathy