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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
Loss & Grief | Last Active: Apr 7 12:18pm | Replies (932)Comment receiving replies
Over the years I've lost my grandmother, father, mother, and two brothers. Feb 1, 2018 my wife of 22 years disappeared from my life, she never returned from the beauty shop, the pain of being ghosted is incredible, I wound up in the hospital due to that where I went unconscious for 5-6 hours. The ER literally kicked me into the waiting room, maybe they thought I was ok but I didn't because I knew I was going under but they wouldn't listen. Just get him out of here. This took place sometime after 1:30 am. Time is messed up but my brother had just walked in the room and I had moved away from a little girl who sat by me because I didn't want her to get hurt...then I blacked out and woke up at 12:30, 5-6 hours unconscious.
I was well aware that my family members were dying. Brother Stephen lived in the Sierras and I was 150 miles away when I decided to go get him as I knew something was very wrong. I drove up there then back down to the Palo Alto, CA, VA hospital. They thought he was just a drunk but I told them he drinks a lot of coffer and sometimes a beer or two. I'm an AA alcoholic so I know some about that. Anyway turned out he had a large tumor on his brain which the doctors at Stanford Medical removed. Stephen lived another 2 years. Right before that my brother John died at home due to some in operable stomach thing. Doctors at UC Davis, CA, could not tell us what the problem was.
There is lots more but losing your wife and she's still living far away is something no person should go through. Does she just hate me? I know death but when it happens over a course of time and you're prepared for it it's not as bad as this.
When I knew Stephen was dying I did the same thing, drove up to the mountains and brought him back to the VA Hospital where the Doctors told me he was dying. They were good to him and placed him in a home in Palo Alto where he died within a few weeks. Miss him a lot. The end for now. Good to write this stuff down. Thanks!
Replies to "Over the years I've lost my grandmother, father, mother, and two brothers. Feb 1, 2018 my..."
Thanks Teresa, I've never been very social and have a difficult time making friends. When they lie to me or betray my trust I can't be around them. I live in the middle of no where as far as walking to town to buy food. What happens when you go unconscious is the hospital reports that to the DMV and they put a restriction on your drivers licensee. I have to drive, so seems silly but I'm breaking the law. Maybe my doctor can fix that.
I thought I had two friends, a married couple, but the last time Larry came by he dropped a gossip bomb on me. He said, "I know about those letters!" It's a long story but looking back...lies and deceit which is hard to bare, can't believe Mary would do all this to me as I found her lost in the Stanislaus Forest where she'd spent the night wandering around because she'd gotten drunk the night before. At that time she was in torment because her son had just died of suicide, he hung himself in a cemetery in Oakland, CA. I talked to the Oakland police detectives who investigated and they groaned when I mentioned the episode. They didn't want to talk about it. Feel for those cops for their job and misery they encounter.
Anyway the only support I've got right now as I don't trust the gossip mongers, is with a Veterans Admin. therapist. I've been to one meeting with her and have another for April 5. My two sons Navy Chief Jesse and Stephen Luke is a PHd in Agricultural Chemistry and a chemistry teacher now. I'm very proud of them and my son Jesse called one day and said, "Dad you raised us right." Still chokes me up when I think about that. They're about the only ones for support but they live a long ways from me.
I learned that my family did not like Mary much at all. When I married her she was sort of ok for a year or so but after that she went into deep mourning and turned to just wearing black and no longer was the pretty girl I found lost in the woods, but I decided to help her and wait it out as I liked her and we had a lot of talk over the years. I also started buying her colorful clothes over the internet. I guessed her size and got it right and she really liked that and started wearing a dress and a colorful blouse and I like that. But after feeling better she disappeared, after 22 years. What is that?
Getting to long here so Thanks for your post. Gonna read it again.
Thanks for sharing more about yourself. I am glad to hear that you have a therapist through the VA, and that you are finding that relationship good. It is also good that your children are supportive of you, even though they live a distance from you. The fact that they express appreciation for you is important.
Continue to give yourself time to adjust to all of these losses. There is way through them, but it does take time and the amount of time is different for everyone.
I wish you well and look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
Thanks!
@muppey so hope the therapist can help you some. Sounds like you were a good father. If you are like most caring parents you do not allow your children to know how much you are hurting. April 5th is soon arriving. Glad you shared.
Never thought about that parus, about not sharing much with the kids. Haven't done much of that because I know they're busy with their families, etc.and I don't like whining especially when people don't want to listen. Here I don't consider whining, I appreciate the help. I did have to tell them about my seizures but I didn't want to blab it all over. My brother Mike picked me up at the hospital so he told my family. What bugged me about my stay at the hospital is one of Mary's girlfriends is an xray tech there and she saw my name and told Mary, wasn't going to do that. She pestered me for details but I just said I'm fine and go away. She tried it twice and Mary was pacing the floor behind her. Traci was there because Mary and her son were getting her stuff on a Saturday. Thanks for the info.
So sorry for all your loses. I know it is not easy. Losing your wife like you did is another story. I never had that happen to me so I do not know how to respond to that. I cannot believe the hospital did that to you. Does not sound like a very good place.
@littleonefmohio,
There's more to that but I'm not upset at the hospital. The Privacy Officer chick tried to get me to reveal the xray chicks name but I didn't want to get her fired. Instead the Privacy chick said she'd send a memo through out the hospital. They actually stood to face a payment to me up to $150,000. Could use that but I don't want to be vindictive which I think demeans a person. Gossip can do that job for me...Hah!
Got a letter from her and she include the memo which is a HIPAA list of do's and don'ts which states pretty clearly that what the xray chick did is punishable to the hospital.
I'm satisfied with that.
I applaud you for your restraint in that matter. You saved a job and did some educating of the hospital staff. Good work!
Teresa
@hopeful33250, The only reason I did what I did is because my lady therapist at the VA told me to. When a person is all confused and the brain isn't working well it gets irritating when people try to push you around like Traci did. I've know her for twenty years and suppose she thought she was doing Mary a favor. She's a nice person and don't think she was being mean, just not thinking things over and I didn't want to give her a black eye. Small town and all...! Over the years I've never gotten mad at people like this thing caused.
I really am not a vindictive person but I do like my privacy and only share with people I trust...which seems to fail to often.
Thinking of going to an AA meeting, haven't been for a while so it might help to listen to other people or something like that. I did buy a bottle when this started and have fallen off before and don't want this to bring me down there again. I really liked my whiskey but I really like not being drunk a lot. Now I can drink water in the evening and that works for me at the moment.
The pain will fade in time but I guess I have to learn something from this, just have to keep my eyes open and my head clear.
How are you doing with all your grief? Like I told my brother, "If I could get rid of this thing on my mind I'd do it now." it's not that simple, a person can't just dismiss a heart/mind pain by saying 'it doesn't bother me'. Does she just hate me?
Lot's of grief on this site and I feel for all of them, it's not fun!
Thanks Teresa!
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Hello @muppey
I appreciate your sharing your story at Mayo Connect - and we welcome you!
You have experienced a lot of loss in just a short period of time and your feelings are certainly understandable. As you said in your last sentence, "Good to write this stuff down." Yes, expressing these experiences and the feelings that go with them is very important to your healing from losses - it is important to all of us!
If you care to share more, what type of support system do you have in place now? Do you have friends, are you part of organizations that can offer you companionship and support? Are you able to see a doctor or counselor to help you?
I look forward to hearing from you again - keep posting. We will encourage and support you.
Teresa