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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Hi lisa I'm not doing good I'm just lost and well I'm just about to be evicted from my flat so things aren't good for me I don't have anywhere to go so considering ending my life I'm only 327 rent arrears but I know I don't owe that I don't have any money so me and hubby are really down . Losing mum hasent got easier for me I thought moving into this flat would start me a fresh before I moved here I had a little money from mum so when we got the flat we spent most of it on it now I'm being evicted for the amount when I lost mum the feeling hasent gone away I'm crying as I write this as I've hit rock bottom and can't find away out of it I'm so sorry for writing this
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2 Reactions@elainesharon
I'm so glad that you posted and shared what you are facing right now. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having financial problems. Financial problems have the power to make anyone feel very helpless, don't they? I can understand your depression. When problems pile up on top of grief and loss everything can look really bleak.
I just read a quote from a Moderator at Mayo Connect and I want to share it with you, "You don’t overcome challenges by making them smaller but by making yourself bigger.” I'm wondering, how can you and your husband make yourselves bigger in this situation? Are there any organizations that you can turn to for help right now?
Please be assured of my prayers for you during this time. Will you keep in touch and let us know how you are doing?
Teresa
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1 ReactionHi @elainesharon,
I'm the moderator taking care of Lisa's groups today, and I want you to know that you don't have to apologize for anything! One of the best things about joining Connect (we're so glad you did), is that you have a community ready to listen and hear you, so please keep talking and writing. You've come to a safe place where you can talk about your fears, your anxieties and just be yourself.
I know you are feeling lost, but I also want you to know that things do get better. You may not believe it now, but the way you're feeling will change. @elainesharon, do you have a friend or relative you can call, or with whom you can stay? I apologize if I'm assuming, but if you belong to a Parish, could you call someone from there?
Losing your mum has been so hard on you – but from reading your posts, I also see that it was hard for you to see her health deteriorate, and when she wasn't eating and drinking, right? You also mentioned that she was 91 years old, so try and keep the good memories – she lived until a good age, and more than that, she found a daughter and friend in you.
@elainesharon, do you live in United Kingdom? if at any point you start to feel like you may consider hurting yourself, please call Samaritans (116 123) which operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year.
– Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)
– Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minimum)
If you prefer to write down how you're feeling, or if you're worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org.
We know it can be difficult to pick up the phone, but reach out to somebody and let them know how you are feeling. Your safety is the most important thing to us and needing to talk to a professional doesn’t show weakness, it shows strength!
I'm also calling Mentors @jimhd @gman @hopeful33250, and I know that their messages will reassure you that you aren't alone.
Remember, if you feel like you've hit rock bottom, another way is to swim up! I look forward to hearing back from you.
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3 Reactionselainesharon, hi, just read your post on this sunday night. thank you tons for writing! Please keep writing. i have been in your situation a few times. from my experience, making those phone calls to get help will really save you. you cannot do this alone. none of us can. and i also considered taking my life at the time it was happening. it works to make those calls that our caring moderators are suggesting. please consider it. and, n case you haven't followed me, my son killed himself when he felt desperate and hopeless. if he had waited, he would have seen that his situation changed not long after his death.
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3 ReactionsHi, @elainesharon -- I'm really sorry to hear you are not doing well and are facing possible eviction from your flat. It also sounds like losing your mum has been really difficult for you.
Just wanted to touch base and see how you are doing now?
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1 Reaction@elainesharon I hope we hear from you soon. Doesn't it seem like your life right now is a roller coaster mostly going down. Even if there is a little coming up the bottom drops again and your plummeting down. A little over a year ago my 91 year old father died. No matter their age or how great their life was it is never going to be long enough for us is it. It was just one thing after another, hateful sibling, work issues (so bad I thought I might quit, ended up going to mitigation). Even little bumps in the road felt so much bigger than they normally would have. You may have been starting to find a new normal after the passing of your mom (mum) then losing your place to live probably put you right back at the moment she passed. I pray you and your spouse find a safe place to live. You will come back up little by little. There will be more set backs but you need to just hang on. I've learned that all that pain and blindness of that comes with grief eventually some light will come. It will never be like it was, but you'll find a new track. Hang on. No sooner had I started feeling like living again my best friend, a mom with 4 elementary school aged kids, died 9 months after my Dad. Every once in a while they come to me and let me know they are still with me. I bet your mum does too. It is bittersweet when it happens. You should know she is still in your heart. She would not want you to leave this world right now would she? No one knows what else you are meant to do here. Don't take what ever that is away. I'm asking you to hang on in a dark place. Honestly there isn't a lot some one half a world away can do for you. Bad things are going to happen, but you have felt the worst. You might feel it again, but there will be a reprieve. If you can just keep hanging on those little light will start making their way into those dark places. At some point you'll have more light than dark.
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2 ReactionsHello @kdawn32
I appreciate your sharing an empathic response to @elainesharon. What you said about "Even little bumps in the road felt so much bigger than they normally would have" is very true.
I appreciate your posts and your encouragement in this discussion group.
Teresa
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1 ReactionHello @elainesharon
It has been a while since we have heard from you. How are you doing? Have you found a new living situation yet? I am praying that you are finding hope in the midst of your grief and you can realize the light at the end of the tunnel.
Will you send a post soon? I would love to hear from you.
Teresa
I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy
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1 ReactionI really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.
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