1. < Depression & Anxiety

How to support friends and family who support you

Posted by resolve @resolve, Dec 13, 2017

I have major depression. It struck like mighty lightening without warning when I was fifty. As a healthcare provider and mother of five, my role of prioritizing the care of others became suddenly and drastically reversed. For many, depression does not leave politely through the back door after striking.

I am interested in learning about the experience of others as they manage the challenge of supporting those you love when you, yourself, are in such desperate need.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Dec 15, 2017
In reply to @gman007 "@resolve I have battled an anxiety disorder for most of my adult life (currently 57) and..." + (show)
@gman007

@resolve I have battled an anxiety disorder for most of my adult life (currently 57) and after I became chronically ill, dependent on opiates for pain relief and isolated by disability and not working or driving, depression became a constant companion. It is less than all encompassing at times, but never far away. I don't suppose that is what you would like to hear, but it is not nearly as dark and bleak as it was at one point. When I am at my lowest, I remember what my brother told me years ago (it is a family thing for us); "I did not wake every day previous to this feeling like this and I will not wake every day the rest of my life feeling this way". It often takes treatment, wisdom from suffering, support, etc..., but for me, I have always come out of the depths to something better and more tolerable. I also believe that we place far more pressure on ourselves than others do. If I am able to do anything around the house, outside the house, or make any positive contributions, that is icing. I don't have children at home, but there are still things I would like to do with them and my grands, but they understand that my absences are not from a decision to be absent and that my real desire would be exactly the opposite. I was very much an extrovert and loved meeting new people and conversing. Now I am only that in some small corner of my brain because I try to force my self into those activities and it doesn't happen often. If I have any advice worthwhile, it is to be OK with doing nothing. My wife is a counselor and she said that was very important for me to understand; either physical and/or mental blocks are going to be too much of an obstacle on some days and you have to accept that; no one can get you to that place except yourself. Blessings, Gary

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@gman007

I like and appreciate your words and the advice your wife gave, Gary. Thanks for sharing.

Jim

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 15, 2017

@gman007

I agree with Jim that your wife's words carry an important message. Your brother's words also created an important image, "“I did not wake every day previous to this feeling like this and I will not wake every day the rest of my life feeling this way”.

It is important to remember that severe depression is not necessarily "forever." Thanks for sharing those great words of wisdom.

Teresa

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Parus | @parus | Dec 15, 2017

I truly hope severe depression is not forever-feels like it when I am there. No magic pills or skills.

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Gary, Alumni Mentor | @gman007 | Dec 16, 2017

I have been listening to Sheryl Sandberg's "Option B" as I walk and her psychologist - a friend who was close to her husband and her - gave her the three P's. 1. It is not Personal - you did nothing to cause this tragedy and could not have prevented it. 2. It is not Pervasive - it does not involve every part of your life and will do so only if you allow it. 3. It is not Permanent - this goes back to my point about every day prior to depression nor every day after will I feel this far down. Of course she was dealing with the sudden death of her husband and had massive resources that most of us don't have, but the answers came from within and not from money, vacations, nannies, etc...My experience has been that grief, or loss of any kind has followed the pattern of depression. Unfortunately, I have not found that depression does not come back, but I believe the fact that you d=got through it once makes each successive time suck a little less; still horrible, but not quite as much so.

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 16, 2017
In reply to @gman007 "I have been listening to Sheryl Sandberg's "Option B" as I walk and her psychologist -..." + (show)
@gman007

I have been listening to Sheryl Sandberg's "Option B" as I walk and her psychologist - a friend who was close to her husband and her - gave her the three P's. 1. It is not Personal - you did nothing to cause this tragedy and could not have prevented it. 2. It is not Pervasive - it does not involve every part of your life and will do so only if you allow it. 3. It is not Permanent - this goes back to my point about every day prior to depression nor every day after will I feel this far down. Of course she was dealing with the sudden death of her husband and had massive resources that most of us don't have, but the answers came from within and not from money, vacations, nannies, etc...My experience has been that grief, or loss of any kind has followed the pattern of depression. Unfortunately, I have not found that depression does not come back, but I believe the fact that you d=got through it once makes each successive time suck a little less; still horrible, but not quite as much so.

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Thank you @gman007

The points you have shared from "Option B" are very insightful. I was not familiar with Sheryl Sandberg but "googled" her work and see how she can inspire and help.

I especially like point 2. "It is not Pervasive – it does not involve every part of your life and will do so only if you allow it."

I also agree that when you get through depression one time, it can make it easier to get through the succeeding episodes. It is sort of like seeing light at the end of the tunnel one time, will help assure you that there will light there again.

Teresa

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Gary, Alumni Mentor | @gman007 | Dec 16, 2017

I tend to see role models in the business world, although they are all around us, but the way she tells of getting through her husband's tragic passing is very real and works for those with little and those with a lot. The other thing that I find revealing to any of us who struggle with depression is that no amount of earthly material goods can protect us from tragedy and/or depression. Your foundation better be on something more lasting and stronger than that. I know what that something is for me and anyone who wonders about that can PM me.

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vsinn2000 | @vsinn2000 | Dec 17, 2017
In reply to @peach414144 "this site is good for me because i can vent. there is no family for me..." + (show)
@peach414144

this site is good for me because i can vent. there is no family for me and my friends are passing away with age. so sometimes when things are bad i thank you and this site for being here. the latest is: i have been wondering why i have been so very, very depressed lately. so i went hunting on the internet and realized "my anemia is worsening and this can contribute to the sadness." it has never been this bad before. knowing what i am dealing with is a great help. tomorrow i will cook liver and onions with mashed potatoes. (and beets) have a nice evening to all. peach

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Peach,
For me, information is confidence building. Learning to is 24/7/365. Teaching yourself to let your emotions out, instead of holding them in and getting more depressed is a good thing. Even something as simple as a song that triggers tears can help relieve some emotional pressure. When frustration has me ready to explode, I have several songs that will move me to tears almost immediately. The sentiment that goes with them is such a strong reminder of loved ones I've lost, that it's cathartic to cry along with the memories those songs bring. Just keep learning and trying new things. You've got this!

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Parus | @parus | Dec 17, 2017

The problem is others read info online and think they are experts and try to tell me how to live my life. Besides, one cannot believe everything read online, in books, said by others, etc. Too much education can lead to more problems and snide comments.

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resolve | @resolve | Dec 17, 2017
In reply to @resolve "@parus" + (show)
@resolve

@parus

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@parus
I agree with you completely about non-experts who may post I a way that makes a reader assume they are experts. That is how news reporting, in general, has changed the way we get the news.

My request was about the experience people with behavioral health issues deal with supporting the very people tat support them.

Everybody experiences and interprets the world differently (in using the works of depression). My hope s for soulful inquiry to the question posed and ine’s personal experience or observation of it. I am also grateful for references to information from people who are experts.

I believe the value of the posts are sharing personal experience. There are plenty of books to read.

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