Hello @theotherone. As I see this is your first post at Mayo Connect, I would like to welcome you! We are glad that you have joined our online patient support group.

We appreciate your post regarding some of the difficulties of living with long-term depression and the guilty feelings that can ensue. I especially like your comparison to a broken arm. Sometimes we have to set aside our expectations and wait for recovery. We have had many others speak of this as well. As you are new to Mayo Connect, I would like to introduce you to some of our other members, Jim @jimhd a volunteer mentor, Lisa @lisalucier a Mayo Connect Moderator, @amberpep and @parus.

We hope to get to know you better. If you are comfortable doing so, please share with us a little more of your history of depression.
We hope that we can encourage and support you as you post.

Teresa

@theotherone-- welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. You seem to have a very wise, thoughtful perspective on your illness.

You said you thought it affects your son. What are you noticing in him?

Hi, @theotherone - I think that many of us feel similar feelings of guilt. Depression became a serious problem for me in 2003, and just got worse over the next 3 years, until I made several suicide attempts, and all of a sudden, people realized I was in trouble. I wore a great mask.

Guilt has been a significant component of depression, and the other maladies on my list, along with a bunch of other effects. I know my therapists have told me that the guilt and other garbage aren't there by my choice, but we know how hard it is to internalize that information. I think every day about the burden I am - to my wife, especially.

Lately, I've been trying to set aside the negative stuff so I can give more attention to my wife, who's in a lot of pain and is waiting for the wheels to turn ever so slowly to approve surgery on her lower back. Spinal stenosis is squeezing her sciatic nerve.

Have you ever talked with a therapist about the depression and guilt? I'm alive today because of some caring therapists.

You're right - easier said than done, stopping the guilt, etc. I hope you'll be able to work around it so you and your family can enjoy Christmas and the other holidays this time of year.

Thanksgiving is a good time for me. I find myself thinking thankfully about all the people around me, and all of the blessings from God.

I'm at the clinic, waiting for my appointment with the therapist, and my battery is almost dead. I'm glad you've joined us, and look forward to hearing more from you.

Jim

Many times my son wants to play, but I am just too tired or feel down so I can't. And when I'm under some pressure, I get nervous. I know it is not good for him to see that.

@theotherone

Have you considered reading out loud with your son or getting some sing-a-along CDs? Often you can bypass stuttering by singing. These might be things that you could do with your son that would not require as much energy as other activities. Once your energy begins to return, you may feel more like being active.

Here is a link to a website that explains how singing can bypass the stuttering phenomena, https://www.stutteringhelp.org/content/singing-and-stuttering-what-we-know-0.

As a shy child, who also stuttered for several years, I understand the frustration and embarrassment of stuttering.

Teresa

@theotherone

I'm not clear as to what your son shouldn't see. Is it your nervousness? I think that it's healthy for our children to see us in a variety of emotions. That's something I missed out on as a child. My parents over protected us from things they thought were negative, but the result of doing that is that we kids didn't learn how to handle things like emotions.

Do you have the capability of recording yourself? You brought to mind the book our kids' cousins gave them one Christmas. The cousins were young, but they took turns reading the book on tape. She read one page, and he read the next, tapping on a glass with a spoon at each page turn. Our kids loved it! I'm thinking that if you stutter under stress, perhaps when you're alone and relaxed, you could make books on tape for your son. Then you could enjoy sitting with him while you play the recording. Just a random thought that jumped to mind as I read your concern for your son. (Another thought is that someone else could make recordings.)

Whatever you do, I hope your son feels and hears your love for him. What a huge gift that would be!

Jim

@jimhd I just afraid that when my son sees e sad or nervous, it can affect him in his future. I afraid he will be the same as I am now.

@theotherone

What is there about yourself that you'd like to pass on to your son? I think that he probably already knows you love him. I remember the times during my son's teen years when I had to apologize for losing it. None of us is perfect.

I'm happy to see him interacting now with his 5 year old daughter in ways we did when he was young. I wasn't a perfect father - far from it - I just did my best to be generous with the hugs and affirmation and especially time. I tried always to model things like kindness, empathy, listening, and so many other character traits. Kids won't necessarily learn those things in school. They generally learn them by watching us.

One thing our kids need from us is honesty. When they're old enough to understand, we can explain to them what stress is, and talk about how to deal with it. My daughter had a difficult time when we moved between 3rd and 4th grades. When she got to high school, she started experiencing depression, and we talked about it. She knew that I was depressed during that same time, and after graduation, she moved away for a year or so. Then, I became suicidal, and had to retire and move. She came home to help us move, and I think that watching me go through that dark time was a good learning experience for her. She's paying the debt from getting a BA in social work now, but plans to go on to a doctorate in some kind of psychology. Being open with our son and daughter has brought home the reality of mental illness, and the stigma and false myths that surround it. I believe that they're better people for having gone through the past 15 years with me. We've had some hard conversations, especially with our son, who had some very wrong notions about depression. But I've seen him become a more caring person, not as quick to judge and criticize.

Conversations about these kinds of things can be life changing for children. It helps them understand their parents, but even more, it shapes their world view. We just have to be aware of the opportunities that sometimes pop up out of nowhere, and surprise! There's a teachable moment.

Sorry for rambling. It seems to be what I do best. I just want to encourage you not to be afraid of being transparent with your son. Kids are pretty adaptable and accepting.

Jim

@jimhd Thank you for your encouraging words. I really appriciate it.
I can see that my son knows I love him. And he loves me, too. Even now, he is 3 years old, he know how to show compassion to others. Like to me; when he sees I feel bad, he hugs me and asks "what's wrong, daddy?" I hope he can keep this when he is grown up.

@theotherone -- one of my sons, who is now 9, has done something similar to your son -- he intuitively knew if I was down or in a bad mood since he was about 2 and checks in with me about it, gives me a hug, or says something encouraging or calming. He still does it. I'm thinking this is just how they are wired. It's great to have a child like that.