I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole of depression and suicide. It was a tortuous climb out, that took several years. I lived on the edge of the hole for some time after, and sometimes I find myself back close to the edge again. Such was the case a year ago. I think I had started into the hole, and really didn't want to live. There hadn't been a therapist available to me for 18 months, though if the director of the behavioral health department at the main hospital had seen me, I might have been able to get an appointment with him, even though it's an hour drive. I had to see him for a required evaluation for a spinal cord stimulator implant, and I kind of came apart in his office. I'd had to wait for 3 months to get that appointment. What he saw concerned him but he was booked three weeks out. That's a long time for someone in my condition to wait. But I made it for six weeks until a therapist finally came to my town. I know he saved my life.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I've been feeling times of sadness lately, which is something fairly new, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them. The therapist told me today that depression tends to suppress emotions, so when we feel one, or I should say, when I feel one, I don't know what to do with it. It's been a long time since I have felt anything.

Jim