1. < Mental Health

Are you ever afraid of dying alone because of your mental illness?

Posted by lilgrizz @lilgrizz, Oct 11, 2017

I don't know about you but it seems everyone I know who has a mental illness has some other illness, usually physically, to go along with it. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, severe, PTSD, multiple sclerosis in 2012, lupus in 2012, degenerative scoliosis in 2013, which I have now had 2 surgery for. Let me think......I believe that is all. I divorced in 1997 from my 2nd marriage and have had 3 dates since then. its like they find out like what all is wrong with me and they can't run fast enough to get away from me. I don't know about u but i'm scared to die alone.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Mental Health Support Group.

Sallie | @sallie | Dec 3, 2017
In reply to @amberpep "Hi Liz ..... it was really good for me to read your post. I'm sure I'm..." + (show)
@amberpep

Hi Liz ..... it was really good for me to read your post. I'm sure I'm older than you, so there's probably not a really huge comparison. I'm 73, grew up in a very sick home as an only child - every abuse you can imagine ..... my mother's favorite words for me were "you rotten little SOB." Having no siblings, it got deep down and burrowed itself like a mouse in it's little hole..
I've been in therapy for 12 years, and even with as much therapy as that, I continue to feel that I'm worth nothing, not even worth taking up space and using the air we all breath. I'm also on several medications. Pre-therapy and meds. I was just like you ..... but because I had 3 little ones I couldn't sleep during the day, but by 3 PM I dreaded seeing them come home.
I have no family at all, except for my 2 girls and their husbands, and 1 son, and I just 2 years moved here from MD ..... a move I did not want to make, but they hounded me so much I relented. And now these thoughts of unworthiness are creeping in again. Realizing that I'm "next in line" is a scary thing to me, and being alone when it happens just makes the thought worse. The thoughts that go through my mind are "go ahead, you're not worth s__t anyhow ..... just die! I know that's not reality but inside it feels just like it is. This week for instance, I have not seen my girls all week, nor my son (but he lives about 2-1/2 hrs. away) whereas they live a hop, skip, and a jump from me. I've always given the appearance of being strong, "I can handle life" .... but I can't and often don't very well. Why did I move here? I don't know. And, being 73, I know my time isn't endless, and to die here, after falling, terrifies me. I've thought of getting one of those Life Lock things you wear around your neck, but I guess pride has kept me from doing it. I don't look my age, even though the reality is I am. My 3 kids don't want to hear anything about this, or anything about depression, or Bi-Polar, even though it is possibly genetic. When I try to talk to them, they just quickly change the subject and walk away. I feel like I am a big pain in their fannies. I could easily fall here (one of the meds I take puts me off balance, and I do fall at least once a week) I have not, and never will, interfere in their lives, so it's not that they're "sick of hearing it.
But, I'm right there with you friend ..... maybe we both should get one of those Life Locks.
Do take care of yourself, and talk to your Psychiatrist about it. I hate to see a young person go through this horrible train of thought.
I'm here most days so do keep in touch. You've got a lot of friends in that boat you're in.
Blessings,
abby

Jump to this post

At age 85, I admit that I have gotten accustomed to the idea of being "next in line". In fact, although I basically fear the process of death, with so many losses in my life, I can almost accept death. My chronic problems are depression and anxiety. I have begun to be reluctant to develop new friendships because of recent traumatic losses. The only thing that has helped is to accept (and swallow my pride) my need for assisted living. So get a Life Lock or some other alert system. You will at least not have to fear falling, being injured, and unable to get help. As we age, it is imperative not to endanger ourselves because of pride. My lessons were learned the hard way!

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Dec 3, 2017

Hi again ....and this might be a touchy subject, so, moderators, if you feel it needs to not show up, I understand. During the worst of my depression, and I still wonder about it ...... I'm a Christian and have been for many years, but when my mind goes into these dark places, my mind starts thinking things like, "what if this isn't real. what if it's all a big hoax?"
That scares the bejeebers out of me.
abby

REPLY
3 replies
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 3, 2017
In reply to @amberpep "Hi Liz ..... it was really good for me to read your post. I'm sure I'm..." + (show)
@amberpep

Hi Liz ..... it was really good for me to read your post. I'm sure I'm older than you, so there's probably not a really huge comparison. I'm 73, grew up in a very sick home as an only child - every abuse you can imagine ..... my mother's favorite words for me were "you rotten little SOB." Having no siblings, it got deep down and burrowed itself like a mouse in it's little hole..
I've been in therapy for 12 years, and even with as much therapy as that, I continue to feel that I'm worth nothing, not even worth taking up space and using the air we all breath. I'm also on several medications. Pre-therapy and meds. I was just like you ..... but because I had 3 little ones I couldn't sleep during the day, but by 3 PM I dreaded seeing them come home.
I have no family at all, except for my 2 girls and their husbands, and 1 son, and I just 2 years moved here from MD ..... a move I did not want to make, but they hounded me so much I relented. And now these thoughts of unworthiness are creeping in again. Realizing that I'm "next in line" is a scary thing to me, and being alone when it happens just makes the thought worse. The thoughts that go through my mind are "go ahead, you're not worth s__t anyhow ..... just die! I know that's not reality but inside it feels just like it is. This week for instance, I have not seen my girls all week, nor my son (but he lives about 2-1/2 hrs. away) whereas they live a hop, skip, and a jump from me. I've always given the appearance of being strong, "I can handle life" .... but I can't and often don't very well. Why did I move here? I don't know. And, being 73, I know my time isn't endless, and to die here, after falling, terrifies me. I've thought of getting one of those Life Lock things you wear around your neck, but I guess pride has kept me from doing it. I don't look my age, even though the reality is I am. My 3 kids don't want to hear anything about this, or anything about depression, or Bi-Polar, even though it is possibly genetic. When I try to talk to them, they just quickly change the subject and walk away. I feel like I am a big pain in their fannies. I could easily fall here (one of the meds I take puts me off balance, and I do fall at least once a week) I have not, and never will, interfere in their lives, so it's not that they're "sick of hearing it.
But, I'm right there with you friend ..... maybe we both should get one of those Life Locks.
Do take care of yourself, and talk to your Psychiatrist about it. I hate to see a young person go through this horrible train of thought.
I'm here most days so do keep in touch. You've got a lot of friends in that boat you're in.
Blessings,
abby

Jump to this post

@amberpep Thanks, Abby. We all appreciate the friendship you share with others here on Connect. Childhood experiences like yours (and those of many of us) make adulthood difficult - no doubt about that. I admire the work that you have done to help yourself and the encouragement you offer to others!
(By the way, one of those Life Alerts to wear around your neck are a good idea for someone living alone.)
Teresa

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 3, 2017
In reply to @amberpep "Hi again ....and this might be a touchy subject, so, moderators, if you feel it needs..." + (show)
@amberpep

Hi again ....and this might be a touchy subject, so, moderators, if you feel it needs to not show up, I understand. During the worst of my depression, and I still wonder about it ...... I'm a Christian and have been for many years, but when my mind goes into these dark places, my mind starts thinking things like, "what if this isn't real. what if it's all a big hoax?"
That scares the bejeebers out of me.
abby

Jump to this post

@amberpep Abby, your honesty always impresses me! You say things that lots of us would not admit to. I believe it is a common thought for someone who has been abused to doubt faith. Are you familiar with the book, Your God is Too Small? It was written along time ago (can't remember the author's name) but it deals with the fact that sometimes our childhood experiences color our image of who God really is. it might be worth looking that book up. Also, Dr. Sandra Wilson, a Christian psychologist, wrote a great book called, Into Abba's Arms. This book is about find the acceptance you have always wanted.

Blessings,
Teresa

REPLY
Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Dec 4, 2017
In reply to @amberpep "Hi again ....and this might be a touchy subject, so, moderators, if you feel it needs..." + (show)
@amberpep

Hi again ....and this might be a touchy subject, so, moderators, if you feel it needs to not show up, I understand. During the worst of my depression, and I still wonder about it ...... I'm a Christian and have been for many years, but when my mind goes into these dark places, my mind starts thinking things like, "what if this isn't real. what if it's all a big hoax?"
That scares the bejeebers out of me.
abby

Jump to this post

@amberpep

Abby,

I have had the same thought, or at least, similar thoughts. I retired from ministry after 35 years, though, technically, I'm still a minister. I think that these questions are pretty common, if that's any help.

It's our nature to question. I've always been quick to accept what I hear, but very not gullible. I'm a third generation pastor, to the manor born, so to speak, and accepted Christ as a child, but after I retired (because of depression and suicidal ideation, among other things), I felt a loss of faith for a time, and the thoughts do recur. I don't know the answers. I can only speak for myself. I think that when those thoughts come, I accept that they're there, but I know that they come and go, and that a lifetime of relationship with God can't be lost that easily. I count on that long term relationship with Him as being something that is very real, and something I don't want to give up.

Depression messes with our minds. I have to remind myself that those negative thoughts that I have when I'm in a dark place are very real, but they aren't consistent with my experience. The thoughts don't necessarily go away immediately, but when I'm in a better place, things usually come into perspective.

I believe that God is a rational being, and isn't intimidated by our questions about His existence. Some people say that it's wrong to voice questions and doubts, but I don't agree. I'm seeing from your words that you haven't concluded that it's all a hoax, but that you hold out the hope that your faith has been placed in the Truth. That Truth has never changed. Remember the words "I am the truth, the light and the way."?

I believe that you'll come through this hard time, in a dark place, a stronger person who has a stronger faith. I want to tell you not to be afraid of the questions, but I know how scary and unsettling they are. I think that a lot of us are afraid of our fears, and working through them is a huge challenge.

I pray God's blessing on you this week.

Jim

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 4, 2017
In reply to @amberpep "Hi again ....and this might be a touchy subject, so, moderators, if you feel it needs..." + (show)
@amberpep

Hi again ....and this might be a touchy subject, so, moderators, if you feel it needs to not show up, I understand. During the worst of my depression, and I still wonder about it ...... I'm a Christian and have been for many years, but when my mind goes into these dark places, my mind starts thinking things like, "what if this isn't real. what if it's all a big hoax?"
That scares the bejeebers out of me.
abby

Jump to this post

Jim, @jimhd

Great words of encouragement! I felt blessed just reading it.

Teresa

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 4, 2017
In reply to @amberpep "Hi Liz ..... it was really good for me to read your post. I'm sure I'm..." + (show)
@amberpep

Hi Liz ..... it was really good for me to read your post. I'm sure I'm older than you, so there's probably not a really huge comparison. I'm 73, grew up in a very sick home as an only child - every abuse you can imagine ..... my mother's favorite words for me were "you rotten little SOB." Having no siblings, it got deep down and burrowed itself like a mouse in it's little hole..
I've been in therapy for 12 years, and even with as much therapy as that, I continue to feel that I'm worth nothing, not even worth taking up space and using the air we all breath. I'm also on several medications. Pre-therapy and meds. I was just like you ..... but because I had 3 little ones I couldn't sleep during the day, but by 3 PM I dreaded seeing them come home.
I have no family at all, except for my 2 girls and their husbands, and 1 son, and I just 2 years moved here from MD ..... a move I did not want to make, but they hounded me so much I relented. And now these thoughts of unworthiness are creeping in again. Realizing that I'm "next in line" is a scary thing to me, and being alone when it happens just makes the thought worse. The thoughts that go through my mind are "go ahead, you're not worth s__t anyhow ..... just die! I know that's not reality but inside it feels just like it is. This week for instance, I have not seen my girls all week, nor my son (but he lives about 2-1/2 hrs. away) whereas they live a hop, skip, and a jump from me. I've always given the appearance of being strong, "I can handle life" .... but I can't and often don't very well. Why did I move here? I don't know. And, being 73, I know my time isn't endless, and to die here, after falling, terrifies me. I've thought of getting one of those Life Lock things you wear around your neck, but I guess pride has kept me from doing it. I don't look my age, even though the reality is I am. My 3 kids don't want to hear anything about this, or anything about depression, or Bi-Polar, even though it is possibly genetic. When I try to talk to them, they just quickly change the subject and walk away. I feel like I am a big pain in their fannies. I could easily fall here (one of the meds I take puts me off balance, and I do fall at least once a week) I have not, and never will, interfere in their lives, so it's not that they're "sick of hearing it.
But, I'm right there with you friend ..... maybe we both should get one of those Life Locks.
Do take care of yourself, and talk to your Psychiatrist about it. I hate to see a young person go through this horrible train of thought.
I'm here most days so do keep in touch. You've got a lot of friends in that boat you're in.
Blessings,
abby

Jump to this post

@sallie Your thoughts are appreciated and helpful.

I would encourage you, though, to set aside your reluctance to develop new friendships. Some friendships will last for just a little time and some for much longer - but that is no cause to fear them. Enjoy the people around you and take strength (and give strength) as you can. You will be encouraged by those around you.

Teresa

REPLY
Parus | @parus | Jan 1, 2018

At times I am more fearful of living with a mental illness.

REPLY
georgette12 | @georgette12 | Jan 1, 2018

Just read some of these posts about being a Christian and depression. I was raised Catholic and then studied all these other spiritual paths for the last 30 years. At the moment I go to what is called a "Bible Church" but I also stop in for services at a Unitarian Universalist Fellowship as well as a traditional Catholic Church. My dearest Christian friends from the Bible church are totally staunch in their belief that all people who do not study the Bible will go to hell. And my long term depression can only be healed by going to Bible study classes. Today is January 1st 2018. It is a very dark day in my brain. No response is really required, guys. I just needed to say this. Blessings to all of you kind enough to listen.

REPLY
2 replies
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Jan 1, 2018

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, @georgette12. There are many paths to healing the mind and faith and it's resources is one of those paths. I'm glad that you are going down many paths, that is probably wise. Please feel free to share with us the other modes of healing that are working with, such as reading, support groups, exercise, etc.

Best wishes for 2018

Teresa

REPLY
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.