Are you ever afraid of dying alone because of your mental illness?

You are not a hypocrite...Talk about your dark stuff here as it is a safe place. I also have PTSD.

@parus

What an encouraging post! I pulled up "Anthem Lights" on Youtube and really enjoyed their music. Music is a great medicine for all that ails you! I volunteer for a group called Therapy Choirs and you don't have to have musical talent, but just want the benefits of singing. The group is mainly composed of folks with TBIs or neurological problems that affect their speech. Here are some webpages about it, http://www.therapychoirs.org/. Here is a story about one of our members that was in a local newspaper, http://www.hometownlife.com/story/opinion/columnists/2017/08/09/inspiration-look-farmington-hills-listen-singing/104370448/.

Teresa

@parus @lilgrizz @danybegood1 - I kind of abandoned Connect for the past week. I've had a cold, and depression seems to have taken a dive, so I haven't felt like writing, and now I have a huge backlog in my inbox.

I visit a woman each week who has told me about her fears of dying. She's not afraid of what follows, because she's looking forward to Heaven. But it's the act of dying that bothers her. She's 103, so she's had a long time to think about it. I try to be a thoughtful friend to her, and I've let her know that if I know her death is near, I will be with her to pray and sit with her. Of course, I've tried to reassure her that death often is not a painful thing, and I think that has calmed some of her fears. In the meantime, I enjoy having conversation with a woman who has lived that long, and remembers details of times and places and events both current and what might be called ancient. She loves my smartphone because I can look up her childhood homes and talk about who lives there now, and find the landmarks. Really interesting. I think I feel less depressed during the hours I spend with her.

I tapered off a medication a few weeks ago, and I know that part of my deeper depression is connected with that. It was Cymbalta, which I had been taking for peripheral neuropathy pain, along with morphine, and Cymbalta is also an antidepressant. The interesting thing is that I felt no improvement in my mood when I started taking it a year or two ago.

A separate issue I've been having is waking up in the night with a panic attack. If you've had one, you know how not fun they are. It sometimes makes me afraid or anxious about going to sleep. So far, I've been able to deal with them by sitting up in bed, focusing on my breathing and just giving it some time to pass. I pray and sometimes read, but I don't like to wake up my wife, though I told her that if she does wake up, it helps to ground me if she will rest her hand on my arm or my back.

Well, it's that time again. It's after midnight and I can't put it off forever. Hopefully this will be a night without any issues.

Y'all have a good weekend.

Jim

@lilgrizz BTW-not an author, therapist nor a doc. Hope things are improving at times. Grasp the concept of returning to the same spot and also the fatigue. Self-pity does dawn its ugly face uninvited. Most days I feel like a conglomerate of negativity and incompetence. Just got a new laptop this past Wednesday and already giving me fits. A tech person I am not and the attitude of this contraption has proven to me it does not agree with requests by telling me "unresponsive programs"-this technological beast and the user have a lot in common!!! I will omit a streak of deleted expletives as this would be indicative of crudeness and a lacking vocabulary. Moving like a slug for now...no salt-shakers needed...grin.

@parus I always look forward to your replies. It is like you can read my mind at times and your funny at times. Mule-headedness; I like that. lol. Since I became bipolar I love listening to lots of hard rock and roll when i'm manic but I haven't been that high in some time. But for the first time about three months ago I was feeling really, really manic and my 75 yr old dad was washing dishes and a good ole 70's rock song came on, can't remember which one anymore, but anyway they caught the news guy dancing and he didn't realize he was on live and it really cracked my up. He was no John Travolta. It cracked me up and my dad asked what was so funny so I went about telling and showing him. Big mistake. Since they put two rods in my back running from the top of my shoulder blades to the top of my tailbone and they don't bend or twist but in my elation I didn't think about that and went to show my dad had the nerd on tv was dancing and found out real quick that I couldn't dance like that no more which meant I couldn't do much of any kind of dancing anymore. I got scared and yanked my shirt up with my back to my dad and yell, "Daddy. is my back still straight?" Luckily it was but I pulled just about every muscle in my back. talk about crashing immediately down from mania to depression In about 1min sucked. Now that story was leading up to something and I will be darn if I forgot what it was. Freaking MS. I CAN"T remember anything anymore because of it. Oh I do remember my dad looked at me like I had 3 heads so I took a pain pill and some muscle relaxers and went back to bed. I mean if your dad can't understand you how you expect others to accept you with all your ailments how can you make friends to accept you the way you are. I have tried and it don't work. I have no friends. I mean 0. Ofcourse most of my time is spent taking care of my parents. my mom is blind and my dad can hardly walk from a botched back surgery and is in severe back pain 24/7. Oh me I've done worked myself into a tissy. Haha the dictionary says tissy isn't a word, but down south in Alabama it sure is.lol Have a good day.

@jimhd I know that feeling about not feeling like writing because you have to actually get out of the bed to do it. That is no fun. I would think having access to a 103 year old woman would be the best therapist any of us could have. I am sure she is vey wise and you both get the help each other in you own ways. Now I can really understand waking up in a panic attack. One of the most horrible things in the world. Consider yourself lucky, you have your wife there for you to help bring you back to reality. I'm gonna show my self pity face but when it happens to me there is no there and it takes a few minutes to figure out if i'm alive or if I have died.

@lilgrizz - I count myself blessed, having a loving, though not always understanding, wife to reach out to. On my own, it takes 30 minutes or more to climb out of the panic attack. They're not good things.

Jim

Not one bit afraid of dying alone as the best one can hope for, at times, is to die in slumber. Just continue onward at ones own pace. Know that the depression demons are always hiding somewhere to snatch one from positive thoughts and/or actions. Depression stings the mind like a hard slap. The dark and gloom-filled mind fissures are as the jaws of a jackal. During these times life is as sweaty gym socks held captive in a locker. Once the door is opened the stench is still there.
Gang aft de glay...T'would rather this damnable beast would cease the gnashing of teeth. It will withdraw again and all will be well.

@parus--your literary aptitude is definitely coming out! You paint pictures with words.

Hi Liz ..... it was really good for me to read your post. I'm sure I'm older than you, so there's probably not a really huge comparison. I'm 73, grew up in a very sick home as an only child - every abuse you can imagine ..... my mother's favorite words for me were "you rotten little SOB." Having no siblings, it got deep down and burrowed itself like a mouse in it's little hole..
I've been in therapy for 12 years, and even with as much therapy as that, I continue to feel that I'm worth nothing, not even worth taking up space and using the air we all breath. I'm also on several medications. Pre-therapy and meds. I was just like you ..... but because I had 3 little ones I couldn't sleep during the day, but by 3 PM I dreaded seeing them come home.
I have no family at all, except for my 2 girls and their husbands, and 1 son, and I just 2 years moved here from MD ..... a move I did not want to make, but they hounded me so much I relented. And now these thoughts of unworthiness are creeping in again. Realizing that I'm "next in line" is a scary thing to me, and being alone when it happens just makes the thought worse. The thoughts that go through my mind are "go ahead, you're not worth s__t anyhow ..... just die! I know that's not reality but inside it feels just like it is. This week for instance, I have not seen my girls all week, nor my son (but he lives about 2-1/2 hrs. away) whereas they live a hop, skip, and a jump from me. I've always given the appearance of being strong, "I can handle life" .... but I can't and often don't very well. Why did I move here? I don't know. And, being 73, I know my time isn't endless, and to die here, after falling, terrifies me. I've thought of getting one of those Life Lock things you wear around your neck, but I guess pride has kept me from doing it. I don't look my age, even though the reality is I am. My 3 kids don't want to hear anything about this, or anything about depression, or Bi-Polar, even though it is possibly genetic. When I try to talk to them, they just quickly change the subject and walk away. I feel like I am a big pain in their fannies. I could easily fall here (one of the meds I take puts me off balance, and I do fall at least once a week) I have not, and never will, interfere in their lives, so it's not that they're "sick of hearing it.
But, I'm right there with you friend ..... maybe we both should get one of those Life Locks.
Do take care of yourself, and talk to your Psychiatrist about it. I hate to see a young person go through this horrible train of thought.
I'm here most days so do keep in touch. You've got a lot of friends in that boat you're in.
Blessings,
abby