The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business

It's nice to have a place to dump my guilt even though, knowing me, I'll still feel it but I think it won't feel so big.
My guilty thoughts:
1. I should have visited her (my boyfriend's mom) every day at the rehab place while she recovered from her broken knee cap. Instead I used that time to de-stress from caregiver duties while her son visited her. She never came home but got Mrs, c dif, had a stroke and was put on life support, taken off life support and put in a hospice house where I stayed with her for a week until she passed away.
2. I should have sweat in her 80° bedroom and sat with my mom more often. Instead I left her alone so much just because I can't take the heat.
3. I should have kept the house cleaner. Instead I'd sleep, do a little, sleep, do some more. Just manage what I could. Her twice weekly caregiver still found an insulin syringe in her laundry basket and I forgot once to clean the rat droppings off of the dryer. Both reportable offences.
4. I should have tried harder to manage her finances and mine. Instead I just bought what we both need until we were both broke. APS was called in because my 2 sisters reported me for financial abuse because I had accidentally overdrawn her checking account, which was joint with the sister who wouldn't provide any weekend respite care because "it's too hard" after the one time she asked her to visit. I was cleared of all charges but I still had to go to a sworn deposition to explain myself.

There's plenty of guilt in the care I gave my boyfriend's mom for 3 years and then my mom for 2 years. So, what tends to be top in my mind these days is, what will I neglect in my husband's care that will make me feel guilt instead of only joy while caring for him until he has to go. I felt joy taking care of two of my favorite women but also so much pain, heart ache, exhaustion, and, of course, guilt. This time though, I'm dealing with anticipatory grief already and feeling guilty that I haven't managed to hide it from him when I know he's become afraid of death. I learned that there are quite a few cultural differences I wasn't really aware of before we got married being southern black man and Pacific northwest woman. I wasn't aware it's taboo to talk about death because that will make it happen. I hope I can navigate this without causing either of us or family too much more grief.
That's mine.

@lauralee19780 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I think you will learn a great deal by reading some of the discussions. You should be complemented for the amazing job you took on. 5 years of backbreaking work! I should say “don’t feel guilty” but that’s not helpful. What you can say is MIL and mom were both happy to have me help them, or I remember the time i made such a great dessert and my MIL loved it! Congratulate yourself for doing a very difficult job! I’m going to ask @kjc48 and @judimahoney @IndianaScott if they have. Any more wise words for you!
Do you have any children? You are a great role model for them.
And don’t worry about what others say. They didn’t help with the caregiving. End of story.
Why are you worried about caring for your husband? Is he ill?

@lauralee19780 I'm sad when I read this post because so much guilt is a heavy load to carry around. If you feel guilty over all those things you wrote, you have the opportunity to be the best caregiver you can be to your husband. It's called a do over. And I tell you this because I have been guilty for over 30 years on what I should have done, when my mother got sick. She died, and I was finally there by her bedside like you were with your boyfriend's mother. For me, when my husband was diagnosed last year with MCI, I realized that this was my chance for a "do over." What I couldn't do for my mother, because of a career, and the like, I could now do by taking the best care of him I could. I can't tell you how to get rid of collective and/or unhealthy guilt, other than to make amends with yourself, and learn from the lessons of what you didn't do and how that made you feel. Don't go down that rabbit hole again. And instead of staying "what will I neglect with my husband" focus on the positive, that says, this is what I'll do to help my husband. Don't let him be afraid of death, as only God knows what's next for every one of us. Take each day at a time, find joy in being with him, and helping him in any way you can. So you don't harbor anymore hurtful grief or shame. Without understanding your full situation, I can only say, don't be hard on yourself. We all go through ups and downs, and all of us harbor grief. It's what we do to turn things around, in that "do over" we're all given. Remember, have the courage (guilt free) to face the day, seek out clarity to know what to do and when, and ask God to help you in finding the joy and the right words in the discussions with your husband, so you can help address each other's fears.
Best, Karla

@lauralee19780
Hello:
I don't think I've seen you post here before. If that's the case, welcome and we'll do our darndest to work it out with you.
I started seeing a therapist. We did discuss guilt and she asked why I'm beating myself up, when our feelings are just our body's reaction to dealing with things.
Perhaps you can lean into the guilt for a second, acknowledge the feeling, use that negative energy to flip the script and take that energy and put it towards something positive.
I still feel guilt for not quitting my job to care for my Mom who had Alzheimers. In retrospect I don't think I would have been able to handle the situation alone; she really did need the care team at the memory care facility. So... it was a waste of time and energy for me to feel guilty and cause me to nearly get an ulcer from worry.
I believe Karla may have said something like take the lessons you learned and make it a learning experience so you can hopefully do better next time.
Just the process of writing down your feelings here may be a start to you journaling about your experiences, to help you deal with them.
Education has made a difference for me. When I learn new techniques I try them on for size, hopefully that makes me a better caregiver and I won't have as many reactions to dementia behaviors that bring on the guilt because of my very human reactions.
Keep checking back in, and give yourself a hug for all you are doing to manage. 🫂

Going to the dumpster today. My husband is a control freak with MCI. He won’t let me drive when we’re together, and he tries to have his way leading to arguments.
Yes, I have gotten lots of comments that it’s the disease but I have feelings too. Do I not have a right to just say this is a crappy life?

@marilynt
Yes, you have earned the right to call B.S. on this situation!
My husband started saying some very sweet things, very much a 180° shift from his typical personality these days. He keeps saying to me, "This retirement life is pretty sweet, right?" Sometimes I answer honestly, sometimes I don't answer at all, sometimes I just smile at him. Inside I am screaming, "No! This is NOT the retirement life I envisioned for us!"
So, I agree with you. This is now a crappy life. With a small serving of joy mixed in from time to time if we're lucky.
Hugs to you. 🤗

AI told me I needed to find a support group and, although going anywhere on my own now has to be under 2 hours, I thought I'd try an online group. I asked AI to tell me a few reputable groups since I didn't want just a "poor me" Facebook group. 🤣 This is the one I picked because the posts I've read don't have the poor me attitude even while needing to feel supported in a very stressful time. I'm happy to be here!