Hi Jim
Hope you're feeling better today. The flu is one nasty monster. As you mentioned you were a pastor this came to mind. We as a congregation hold our pastor's on a different level than us. We rely on them to always be strong, never doubting faith or God. The truth is being a pastor is very hard. You are still a human. You deal with people's problems, church problems and the stress that goes along with running a church. My prayer for you is that you can look back and see all the great things you've accomplished in life. I admire your honesty and your will to keep on living. God's peace and blessings to you.

@jimhd Jim, Many so-called professionals, such ad doctors, clergy and lawyers, assume that everyone is the same, and will respond to specific stimuli the same way. Such as medicines, battle, divorce, whatever. To find someone who tries to be open to the personalities of individuals is a rare treat. Sometimes I think the word "professional" is short for "tries not to think about individuals". When I was ready to leave Mayo-AZ, I was terribly frustrated. The Hematologist said "We have not seen anything that would be a marker for Amyloidosis." This in spite of the fact that Mayo-MN said I have some mutation of FreeLiteChain Amyloidosis, and it needs more testing to define clearly which it is. Mayo-AZ said I did not have a swollen tongue, the black spots on my toes did not cover the whole toe, and my sFLC assay said my serum protein was not at least ten times the upper reference range. Oh, and my neuropathy did not completely disable me. Yet there are millions of combinations of Amy which clearly say what it is. With a couple thousand disorders impacting the human body, the potential variations are practically limitless. I think this adds as much as anything to our confusion when we have amy.

So true. Anyone not in the box with the majority has a difficult time getting the help they need. Occasionally one can find a professional that is willing to think outside the box. The body is seen as a machine and if one does not run like all the others it is oft kicked to the curb and accused of things other than having true physical pain. If blood work and all other tests are okay then one may find a doctor telling you to see a therapist. A professional way of saying your symptoms are in the mind and not real. All pain is not as simple as a broken bone. I realize doctors have many patients and finding one that has the time to listen is a rarity. I truly am not being critical of the medical profession. I tell myself they are doing the "best" they themselves know how.
I find I have settled upon this as good as it gets and wearing the tread off of my car tires is all I have accomplished thus far. People having known me for years know I am not lazy. I would much rather be still working and having a purpose. I have others tell me how lucky I am to no longer have to work. I can sit and watch TV all day, hang out with friends and enjoy a sedentary life as they would like to do. I speak of neuropathy and the 1st question I am asked is am I a diabetic. Again, the neuropathy and other symptoms are not real.
Are others telling me I am not real?

My mother always reminds me that is why we call it "practicing" medicine. Although, with the myriad medicines available for some conditions and everyone's uniqueness, it truly is some practice to get everyone on the best med for them. I hope we will one day be able to do a simple genetic test and we will know what med is best designed for us. I know there is a test some Psych's use, but my GP is not in the category of believers just yet. It is also very expensive and insurance does not cover it as yet. I pray your flu is abating and that with better health comes better feelings.

I see this morning that Jeff Bezos (Amazon), Warren Buffett (Berkshire Hathaway) and Jamie Dimon (JPMorgan) have announced a team effort at reducing healthcare costs. I am excited that someone is not waiting for government to fix what ails the system which to date has been nothing. The only effort made was to reduce the cost of insurance and not the rising cost of treatment that requires higher premiums in the environment of publicly held companies and EPS growth. My point here, I think I remember why I started, is that if we could somehow reduce physicians "quotas" imposed by large medical associations, then we may all receive better care and at least understand more of the care being advised. We may see true "care" reform in our lives.

@kdo0827

You got that right! Pastors and their kids and spouse are supposed to be perfect. So it should be no surprise that such a high percentage burn out and leave the ministry. As with vets, the suicide rate is high. No one can live up to the standard of perfection. I've learned that the statistics are similar in other caring professions. Doctors, and across the spectrum. We humans tend to put certain people on pedestals, and that is very hard for most to live with.

When I was experiencing a huge meltdown in '05, I was shot off the pedestal I didn't want to be on by a female firing squad. I will live with the trauma of that, on top of a heap of pre-existing trauma, the rest of my life. I know it will never go away, as so many people with PTSD will attest. The only treatment course is to move forward.

When my therapist told me that a few weeks ago, I started crying. No one had ever said that to me. I'm still kinda reeling from it. I doubt my ability to live with knowing that all of the traumatic garbage will never go away. It's easier to tell other people how to move forward than it is to do it myself. I know that I can move forward, and by God's grace I will. It's just sometimes hard to imagine doing it.

I appreciate each of you who are encouraging me during this rough patch.

Jim

You will do it and it may look differently than what you have imagined when you have told others this, but that is perfectly OK. That road can have as many switchbacks as necessary so long as the destination is overall forward.

@gman007, @oldkarl, @artscaping. i'm saddened to hear your stories of what you have been dealing with especially within the church and of course your mental state of hope. I grew up within the Catholic church, did the whole altar boy thing back when it was in Latin and yet it never really stuck. Guilt was always there lurking as I contemplated God. I came accross a book by John Eldredge "Waking the Dead" several years ago after recommitting my life to Christ and found it a wonderful source of dealing with my guilt & heart. Here are a few short paragraphs that I wanted to put forth as I have been reading your posts. "The worst blows typically come from family. That's where we start our journey of the heart, and that's where we are most vulnerable. What we learned from our parents and siblings about our heart defines us the rest of our days; it becomes the script we live out, for good or for ill." " Most of us simpy try to put things behind us, get past it, forget the pain as quickly as we can. Really- denial is a favorite method of coping for many Christians." "Christ must open the wound, not just bandage it over. Sometimes he'll take us there by having an event(s) repeat itself for years later, only with new characters in the current situation. These are all invitations to go with him into the deep waters of the heart, uncover the lies buried down there, and bring in the truth that will set us free. Don't just bury it quickly; ask God what he is wanting to speak to. We can't just talk ourselves into this; Jesus must show us. He must take us there, as he did with Peter. So ask him. Ask God to show you that your heart is good and that you matter to him. I sense that you (heart) has been wounded and I'm praying that you can take those thoughts to Christ to do what he does best. You are in my prayers and I want you to know that I really enjoy following your posts on Connect. You all mean a lot to me. @thankful.

I use humor as much as possible and He did not just return me to the place and show me how he wanted to repair my heart, He drug me back and forth through it until I looked like the pics we see of SEALS training in the muck and mire. After about four years of sobriety, I think I kind of understood, but unlearning and relearning is one area where I doubt my own intelligence. I have the book on my reading list and although it has a few in front of it, I will get to it. I am blessed in that my Mom is the most amazing Christian I know and forgives so many things my brother and I have done that it blows me away. Not that I am anywhere close to that level, but her example makes me more compassionate and less judgmental than I think I would have ever become otherwise. I have also found that the less I judge others, the easier I am on myself. Not to the point that I pre-think a sin is OK, but I know I am a long way from having a perfect heart and without that, I can'rt have a perfect life, and I am now OK with that!

@gman007. I wholeheartily agree with your sentiments! God blass you!