@jimhd You are not alone, my friend. Anyone who as a chronic or fatal disease who claims not to be depressed at times is either a liar or dead. I spend some moments almost every day contemplating suicide. I have almost as many reasons for that as I have symptoms and signs for hATTRwt. But I keep going, mostly out of Habit, I suppose. Of course, the worst part of it is that my wife and my GP demand that I quit trying, because everyone knows there is only one treatment to stop the pain and the struggle. Death. https://bit.Ly/1w7j4j8

Anyone who has read my posts knows that I lean heavily on my faith and if not for that, I don't know where my hope would come from. I also believe that if I am still here, there is a reason and I have a purpose. It may not always be obvious to me, but it is there. I think this sight is one of those reasons. I will say again that I am sure many of us with chronic diseases that make life less full and active than we would like have probably felt there is no real reason for me to wake up in the morning, but that is very different from taking one's life. I would never condemn either thought or judge anyone for feeling that way, but I do believe you are here for the rest of us to gain insight and wisdom from and those in your closer circle of friends and family.

@oldkarl

What is it that your wife and GP demand that you quit trying?

@gman007

I retired from ministry when I was 55, because of depression, anxiety PTSD and suicidal ideation/attempts. I was a music minister for 25 years, then after a couple of years off, I was pastor of a church in a small (extremely small) remote community. I'm ordained with a very conservative denomination, which tends to stir a lot of guilt surrounding, especially, the subject of suicide. As well, many conservatives hold to the stigmatized views on mental illness as a whole. My wife doesn't have that view. As you said, being a spouse of someone with mental health issues can be stressful, as it has been for my wife, and it's easy for them to lose patience. Depression et al get old. Thus, the mask, healthy or not.

I'm afraid that depression, etc., skews the perspective on one's reason for living. Or caring about anything like a reason. The suicidal mind makes the shift to the belief that suicide is a rational solution.

Living with that in my brain is really difficult. So is living with the knowledge of the impact on my family. I talk with the therapist about those things. He knows that all that stands between me and death is my family.

I'm a third generation pastor, and faith is pretty much engrained in my psyche. Somehow there's a mental disconnect when it comes to justifying suicide against my spiritual life. Many people would blame the devil without giving it a thought. I'm totally aware of the spiritual warfare that takes place with these dynamics. And I believe that the devil is wanting to get me. But I also know that there's more to it than that.

This week, it's more about the flu than about the devil. And it's time for me to get into bed.

Thanks, everyone for your input.

Jim

"Skews the perspective". That is a good description of what happens when depression seems to take over your mind. I was a therapist for years in a college and later in private practice. I had clients who struggled with suicidal tendencies or other self harming social and physical behaviors. It would have been hard for most of us to imagine since they were successful students and good people. I made myself available 24-7 and was on the phone in the middle of the night if need be. And so my recent descent into depression because of my deteriorating physical condition and the chronic pain it causes was a shock to me. And yet, I could not stop the thoughts. They began to wander into my head even during my daily meditation, yoga and mindfulness practice. I also found myself feeling anger and frustration at my loving life partner for what I perceived as impatience or lack of concern. A couple of weeks or so after the medication was prescribed my outlook became more positive....and lo and behold I realized that I was the one misinterpreting his behavior. He didn't sound intolerant at all. He wasn't rejecting me or doubting my discomfort. I was projecting my own fears of disappointing him or even losing him onto his communication. Whew...what a relief! I still haven't told him about my level of depression. It is kind of strange that I am willing to share it with all of you and yet wish to spare him. Now here's the clinker....he spent 35 years as a therapist in mental hospitals and educational institutions. He knows....diagnostic process...he knows a lot about emotional and mental pain in others. I realize that he waits for and expects me to speak of my needs for comfort and assistance. We have developed a sort of shorthand to cut to the chase regarding my energy level and pain intensity. That helps him manage social engagements and make travel plans with consideration for my tolerances. And he jumps up to help with things like meal preparation and laundry duty. Sometimes I simply say, "My body, mind, and spirit need to rest now."

@jimhd Hi, Jim. A great difficulty for pastors in small isolated churches is just what you noted: Finding someone to talk with. I have served small isolated churches in Oregon, Idaho, Washington, Arizona, Nebraska and Georgia, as well as a thriving downtown church in Nevada. In all of that, there was no one to talk with. Even my bishop refused to listen to me, and soon kicked me out because I had "problems". Anyway, I finally realized that I was to serve the Lord with everything I have, including the autoimmune stuff and personal issues such as loneliness, pain and the promise of early death. I have written some about serving isolated churches, and interviewed dozens of isolated small church pastor in another 12-15 states, mainly Texas, Kansas, Mississippi and Maine. It is the same story everywhere, and there is no simple cure. The only thing we can do is to keep doing the things we can do, putting our energies into building the church and bringing peace to the world through our own lives. And supporting each other.

@jimhd Staying alive in the face of certain early death.

Jim, I grew up a Southern Baptist and my mother has been nicknamed the "east coast distributor of guilt" by one of my 1st cousins. My brother and I have learned to let it roll like water off a duck's back. I think I have some understanding of the guilt issues. I have long believed that my mental health problems are a disease just as my diabetes is. My body does not produce enough insulin, so I have to take it to stay alive. I view my psych meds exactly the same, my brain does not produce the hormones and other biological materials for me to stay healthy, so I have to take "balancing drugs" to try to keep my mind healthy. I think your guilt is as real to you as any disease and I know what it can do to depression. I was a functioning alcoholic for years before the alcohol or a congenital condition blew up my pancreas and many other functions with it. Because there was a possibility that I caused my illness, what it was doing to my family financially and the guilt over the amount of money I had sunk into alcohol for years, my guilt was unbearable and acerbated my depression and anxiety. Thanks to a re-commitment to my faith and my wife's amazing support, I have escaped that prison for the most part. Because of your church's fundamentalism, it may be difficult, but there are many resources available to support families of folks like us or caretakers in general. I know that people rationalize differently when their brains are "skewed", but I pray that you will keep searching for the right therapist/medications to help you get out of what is the darkest place I can imagine this side of hell. Please keep talking to us because isolation can be your worst enemy. Blessings, Gary

@gman007 @oldkarl @artscaping

Thanks for your kind words of support. I've been taking antidepressants for more than 15 years. Right now, I'm taking Wellbutrin (12 years), Remeron (2 months) for depression. Klonopin for anxiety (12 years). Orphenadrine occasionally (muscle relaxer). I also take Diltiazen for SVT, Omeprazole for reflux, Gabapentin for neuropathy, Azathioprine to slow the progression of neuropathy, Lidocaine cream and morphine sulfate for pain, Myrbetriq for sudden urgency, Claritin and Benadryl for allergies, decongestant to reduce mucous buildup in my throat causing esophageal dysmotility, Iron, Vitamins C and D, multivitamins, and sometimes oxycodone for pain.

The med list is one more thing my wife doesn't like, but I don't really think I should stop any because there's a reason for each of them. I've been seeing therapists for the past 12 years. My pastor, who's only 57, has cancer, and treatments put him in the recliner under a blanket, too depressed to function for a week or so until the next round. So, he understands what depression is. That's why we changed churches 3 years ago. Where we'd been going for 8 years, since I retired, the pastor had become more and more negative, saying weird things about mental illness, therapists, medication, and various other rant stops. I had more than I could take. A shame, too, because he's been a friend for a long time and had always been a straight shooter.

Ah well, we moved on to healthier pastures, and love where we are.

This chronic pain and mental health issues is a relatively new experience for me. I had lived a healthy life, never needed medication except ibuprofen. Painted houses, up and down ladders and scaffolding, carrying a five of paint in each hand without a thought. Scraping, sanding, brushing, rolling and spraying 8 hour days. I don't do that anymore. I just do what needs to be done around the house and other buildings on our place.

Trauma is something, I've learned, that we don't just forget. What I am working on is moving forward. I've lived through some traumatic things, endured the trauma of abuse and rejection, and it doesn't let go. Would that I could sell it on let go. PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder and suicidal ideation are like quadruplet brothers.

I'm trying to recover from the flu. I had a week of fever and all the rest, and I finally pulled together enough strength to take down the Christmas tree yesterday. I had a cold our granddaughter brought to us for Christmas, then after a week break, here came the flu. And I had the flu vaccine. I know that being sick has a direct effect on my mental state. So, hopefully things will be getting brighter.

Jim

I wondered the same thing.