1. < Mental Health

~ Being Married to a Narcissist ~

Posted by Barb @amberpep, Aug 15, 2017

Hi everyone ..... some of you may remember that I was married to a man with NPD for 40 years .... I divorced him 12 years ago after the kids were no longer at home. After getting passed that point where I felt "I hate you, I'd like to cut your mouth off," and all those things we think about when we're in the midst of a divorce, we do fine when in the company of our kids and their spouses. I moved this passed weekend and all my kids and the 2 that are married had their spouses with them all pitched in to help. While we were in the midst of the move, in walks my X husband. He came to help hook up all the electronic equipment. I was not really surprised because it made him look good and again placed him in the center of the family (or so he thought). Oh, he was soooooo very nice to everyone, including me. I don't know how much the kids perceive this, but it's as if you're watching a shadow of a person going through his "nice" behavior ..... all to make everyone thing how wonderful he is.
As my therapist once told me, narcissists don't change ..... it's never their problem, always someone elses.
And, may I add ...... never, ever, trust one ..... a wolf in sheeps clothing.
abby

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Parus | @parus | Aug 19, 2017

The thing I have learned that after 14 years of marriage to an NPD is that, even though now deceased, he still won. I cannot go through this type of abuse a 3rd time...I do not want to even live any more. How this cruel and abusive person won-always came to the rescue. Not one for foul language I not have a long list for that former, now deceased husband and father of my children. I do not deserve anything-ask him?

REPLY
Parus | @parus | Aug 19, 2017

@hopeful33250 thank you for your words...these people have destroyed the lives of many. Surely you live another world-to refute them would cause more pain. This type of thing caused my own father to end his life. All the pretty words. People believe lies!

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3 replies
Parus | @parus | Aug 19, 2017
In reply to @parus "The man I was married to for 14 years died suddenly in 2014 thus becoming a..." + (show)
@parus

The man I was married to for 14 years died suddenly in 2014 thus becoming a hero by leaving my 3 children with money-interesting how after I divorced him how he did get a real job. Also interesting how nothing was ever his fault. My mother died in 2012 and left one sister w/ everything. These type of people have a way of recognizing someone they can con...Still working on shutting both of them up even though they have died their words live on.

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Empty does not even come close...

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Parus | @parus | Aug 19, 2017

@hopeful33250 When you say "empty" i hear materialistic-not wired thus...

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1 reply
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Aug 19, 2017
In reply to @parus "@hopeful33250 When you say "empty" i hear materialistic-not wired thus..." + (show)
@parus

@hopeful33250 When you say "empty" i hear materialistic-not wired thus...

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@parus - Empty emotionally.

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Aug 19, 2017
In reply to @parus "@hopeful33250 thank you for your words...these people have destroyed the lives of many. Surely you live..." + (show)
@parus

@hopeful33250 thank you for your words...these people have destroyed the lives of many. Surely you live another world-to refute them would cause more pain. This type of thing caused my own father to end his life. All the pretty words. People believe lies!

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@parus

Sorry. Don't understand what you mean: " Surely you live another world-to refute them would cause more pain. This type of thing caused my own father to end his life. All the pretty words. People believe lie" Therefore, can't respond.

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Barb | @amberpep | Aug 19, 2017

Parus .... I hear you and totally understand. I don't share this with too many people, but after 40 years of marriage, raising 3 kids who are all responsible, ethical people with high morals, I find that at 72, what is left for me? A part-time job? Maybe ..... volunteering? Maybe. I will admit that I often think about the years I may have left and how hollow they could be. In that way he won. He's built himself a big house, is involved in something everyday (makes him look like "Mr. Wonderful"). I neither have the desire or energy to "be out there" all the time keeping busy. I often sit and think "what will I die of?" My whole family lived long, long lives - they were tough old Scots and just plowed through. They all lived in Nova Scotia and had farm chores to do everyday so they didn't have time to sit and think. I know I mentioned this a long time ago, but when he finally agreed to go to marriage therapy (for 3 months), he couldn't say one good thing about me, except that I was a good mother. Now I'm not minimizing that .... I was and still am, but if that's all he could see in me (or wanted to see in me) then one of us is in pretty sad shape.
Well enough of my moaning and groaning ..... it just is what it is.
abby

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Aug 19, 2017
In reply to @parus "@hopeful33250 thank you for your words...these people have destroyed the lives of many. Surely you live..." + (show)
@parus

@hopeful33250 thank you for your words...these people have destroyed the lives of many. Surely you live another world-to refute them would cause more pain. This type of thing caused my own father to end his life. All the pretty words. People believe lies!

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Hopeful .... I can easily understand why your father did that. If allowed to, they sap you of everything good you feel about yourself, and replace it with a big, vacant hole.
abby

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Maryliz | @maryliz | Aug 21, 2017

I'm involved with a second NPD and all I do is cry. My dad had NPD too. My current guy blames me for everything & now I'm starting to believe it. My self-worth and self-esteem is at an all time low. Don't want to continue living like this. Have many medical issues plus lifelong depression. Feeling hopeless and helpless. Exhausted too. Praying I fall asleep and never wake up.

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Barb | @amberpep | Aug 23, 2017
In reply to @parus "This certainly pushed buttons for me. I was also married to one and now my youngest..." + (show)
@parus

This certainly pushed buttons for me. I was also married to one and now my youngest son has married one-yup, blue pure perfect she is and nothing is ever her fault. I know I survived a mother and husband. No wonder I am in such a funk. I cannot do it a 3rd time. So sad for my son when I see the abuse happening to him again. I rarely go see my 2 year old grandson. I enjoy him so much. I cannot tolerate my DIL and her arrogance. I say nothing. My son's father died in 2014 and I would that it had been me as she believed the sun rose and set on that NPD.

Also had a therapist that was an NPD. Wolf in sheep's clothing is so accurate...she was a pastoral counselor as well.

Sorry, I feel the venom entering my veins. These kind of people destroy lives!!!

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Hi parus .... you really have had a boatload of these "lovely, perfect" people, haven't you? Wow. I wouldn't even think of going back to the NPD therapist you've been to before, but I would find a PsyD (Doctor of Psychology), and get into therapy. I can't imagine having a dil who is an NPD and not having some coping skills .... ways to deal with her - or not. That's the only way I got to the point of really dealing with my now X. You need support, friend ..... give yourself that gift .... you deserve it and need it.
abby

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