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A Path I Never Chose
My heart is so damn heavy I can barely breathe around it. It’s not just sadness. It’s grief, it’s rage, it’s this crushing weight that shows up every morning when I wake up and remember, oh yeah, I’m still sick. I’m still losing.
It’s one step forward and two steps back, and I’m so tired of falling. With my DNA markers changing, and being triple negative, I don’t even get the same chances most people do. Starting out at stage 4, I have no chance of a cure. My fight has to be uglier. More aggressive. My body doesn’t get the “standard” options. It gets the desperate ones. And I’m the one who has to live in it, feel every side effect, feel every hope get ripped away.
I had a good scan. God, I had a good scan. For a few days I let myself be hopeful. I smiled without forcing it. I made plans in my head. I let myself believe. Then the next scan came. It’s in my neck now. My chest. It’s spreading. Just like that. Right after I let my guard down. The crash from that kind of hope is violent. It knocked the air out of me. The sparkle in my eyes didn’t fade, It went out. I saw it die in the mirror and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.
I’ve been smiling an being hopeful for so long I forgot what it feels like to just break down. I say “I’m okay.” I make jokes in the infusion room. All because I can’t stand the idea of the people I love hurting because of me. I’d rather choke on my own pain than see it on their faces. But I can’t do it anymore. I’m not okay. I’m not strong. I’m not brave. I’m a 36 year old woman who is terrified and furious and so, so sad. Nothing is going how I planned. Not one thing. And I hate it. I hate this body. I hate these scans. I hate that hope feels like a trap now.
I’m scared in a way I didn’t know a person could be scared. It’s bone deep. It’s every-cell-in-my-body scared. Because this isn’t a bad chapter. This feels like the end of the book, and nobody asked me if I was ready to close it. I keep screaming “why me” into the dark and the dark just swallows it. No answer. No reason. Just this. This path I never would have chosen. This path that’s chewing me up and spitting me out. Over and over again.
My body hurts in languages I don’t even have words for. Fire. Lead. Lightning. Empty. And then there’s the other pain, the one that lives in my soul. The one that happens when it’s quiet and I realize nobody, nobody, can feel this the way I do. It’s the loneliest thing I’ve ever known. I’m trapped inside a body that declared war on me, with a mind that keeps replaying every dream I won’t get to live.
So if I’m mean, I’m sorry. If I’m distant, I’m sorry. If I don’t make sense, if I snap, if I go completely silent for days, or just start crying out of no where...please don’t take it personal. I’m drowning. I’m grieving my own life while I’m still in it. I’m mourning a future that was supposed to be mine. Some days the anger is the only thing keeping me warm because everything else feels so cold.
I don’t understand. I don’t accept it. And I am so tired of pretending I’m some warrior. Most days I’m just a broken, terrified human who wants a cure she wont get. Who wants to stop counting tumors and start laughing again.
I had to get this out of my head. My head is a dangerous neighborhood right now and I can’t live there alone anymore. So I thank everyone who comments on my posts!
If you care about me, if you hear me stay. Even when I’m so hard to deal with. Even when I’m not the me you remember. Thank you for witnessing this with me. Thank you for not looking away. This is as real as it gets. I’m doing the best I can with a heart that’s shattered and a body that won’t stop taking things from me. I tried so hard to stay ten toes down I swear I heard "wow your so positive". "Your a inspiration". Until now, and I'm so sorry I let the light in me burn out.
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@tsch I have invasive ductal carcinoma — a triple-negative type of breast cancer — that has spread to my lymphovascular system and to my liver. I'm PD-1 positive and BRCA1 negative. Im on my 4 or 5th treatment for my type as of now. And there isnt much treatments for my type sadly.
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3 Reactions@dbamos1945 I'm doing well, thank you! I took a little break from here — I started radiation two weeks ago and it's had me pretty tired. But overall I can't complain at all. Thank you for checking in, it means so much to me
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9 Reactions@shellyk89
Your words have helped and touched many others. I have not had cancer, but have had 3 family members who have (two multiple myeloma and one colon/lung.) I know how tough it is, but not as you and others live it. You say to someone else you have a new treatment. I hope it helps or that others can be tried which will keep you around for your kids. The number of responses you have received should be a bit of a comfort- you are making a meaningful difference in other peoples’ lives and not everyone can say they do that. Life is not fair, and making the best you can of it is the challenge we all face. Do keep the forum updated if you can, and we all are hoping for good news for you.
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5 ReactionsShelly,
Hi.
You have been through so much and the pain and fear, the crushing weight, anger, and rage has been so difficult. I am so sorry for your suffering and pain. I can imagine the depth of your suffering.
You are right…. your cancer and suffering is not fair.
Have you requested a Pain MD specialist at your hospital and considered a hospital MSW, Psychologist or Psychiatrist MD counseling to ease your anguish, suffering and pain? I began Cancer Care counseling which I feel has been helpful.
I feel that the Red Door - Free- Reikki classes have been helpful and Free - You Tube - Belle Ruth Naperstek MSW Guided Imagery focusing on Stress and Trauma have been helpful.
Red Door offers Free Support Groups - if you are interested.
I hope that you receive hospital based support for your anguish and suffering. Pain management might be very helpful in alleviating your distress.
Best,
Susan
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7 ReactionsRed Door is an excellent organization. Worth exploring their helpful offerings.
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1 ReactionI am not certain I understood everything except the pain that you are going through. I went through my cancer journey five years ago. At that time my cancer was not curable. If I was fortunate to have a remission after all treatments, I could look forward to about five years. Since then, five years and 8 months ago my cancer has gone from completely uncurable to a cancer that can be managed with all the new therapeutics. What is so difficult when you have cancer is you don’t live with it, it lives with you. Take one day at a time and know that many are praying and rooting for you.
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11 Reactions@nancycecilia Was your cancer cured through chemotherapy or clinical trials?
@senem083
Hello. The standard treatment when I was diagnosed was chemotherapy. The doctors felt I would do well with the stem cell transplant and I agreed. But as I repeated to all with cancer. Sometimes it’s like riding a roller coaster. When I was diagnosed I was told in front of my family that it was not curable but when I relapsed they would treat me. Everything I read from Mayo Clinic, John’s Hopkins, md Anderson, etc it was always not curable with a five year diagnosis. However, and unbelievably during one of my follow visits the doctor explained that they had new therapeutics to offer me in the event I relapsed. The new prognosis is 11 years. If you go to any of the sites I mentioned above, they no longer refer to this cancer as noncurable. They refer to it as a cancer that can be managed. Those words gave me hope. Science is advancing at such a rapid rate that doctors are continually changing protocols and using new medicines. I hope I have answered your question and it has given you some good feelings. I wish you the best going forward. I see my oncologist next week for my six month checkup. If you want to know if anything new is told to me, don’t think twice about reaching out. Good luck, stay positive. As long as you are breathing you have life. Choose to live it!!!
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10 ReactionsThank you for your response and encouragement. I truly appreciate it. It
means a lot. On Sun, Aug 2, 2026 at 4:17 PM Mayo Clinic Connect <
nf+8fa0c549+135129288@n1.hubapplication.com> wrote:
> ## reply above this line ##
>
>
> Mayo Clinic Connect
> @nancycecilia
>
> mentioned you in comment on Sun, Aug 2.
>
> *Message*
> @senem083
> Hello. The standard treatment when I was diagnosed was chemotherapy. The
> doctors felt I would do well with the stem cell transplant and I agreed.
> But as I repeated to all with cancer. Sometimes it’s like riding a roller
> coaster. When I was diagnosed I was told in front of my family that it was
> not curable but when I relapsed they would treat me. Everything I read from
> Mayo Clinic, John’s Hopkins, md Anderson, etc it was always not curable
> with a five year diagnosis. However, and unbelievably during one of my
> follow visits the doctor explained that they had new therapeutics to offer
> me in the event I relapsed. The new prognosis is 11 years. If you go to any
> of the sites I mentioned above, they no longer refer to this cancer as
> noncurable. They refer to it as a cancer that can be managed. Those words
> gave me hope. Science is advancing at such a rapid rate that doctors are
> continually changing protocols and using new medicines. I hope I have
> answered your question and it has given you some good feelings. I wish you
> the best going forward. I see my oncologist next week for my six month
> checkup. If you want to know if anything new is told to me, don’t think
> twice about reaching out. Good luck, stay positive. As long as you are
> breathing you have life. Choose to live it!!!
> VIEW & REPLY
>
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