Suppressed Grief / Survivor's Guilt

ScottRL: Many say our embryo is sent to specific parents to raise and influence. Some of these bitty babes are lucky to be received into loving homes who surround that child with love, security and opportunities that nurtures their lives to enjoy successes. I would love to add that these lucky ones are the majority of children; however, many of us have suffered demeaning attitudes from our families beginning at very young ages… we were NOT WANTED!
We share more than one childhood experience, the best Fathers a child could want (understanding, loving, nurturing, honest - a great human for which we could trust). These men saved us from a miserable life. They gave us courage to get up and walk away from “family” who were so cruel and hurtful.
Our courage reinforced our independence and trust encouraged us to live our own lives with more happiness and love than we would have ever known!
We chose to not accept our natural family as MINE; we chose selected friends to become our family - those trusted friends who accept and love us for who we are!
No need for guilt- we were victims from early age (used, tormented, blamed, never encouraged). Once my decision was made I shut the door on my original family and opened my life to selected humans who could show emotions, think outside the box, and accepted me with my positive experience as well as my frailties.
Scott, we all live with emotional scars from our youth, but we are wise to “let them go” and concentrate on living a wonderful life - fill these days with good deeds, happiness and gratitude that we found supportive, loving families!
I hope these thoughts replace bad memories of childhood. We are stronger, more sensitive people today! Best to you…. Bette

Hi Scott,
I'm so sorry you had to go through such a hard time! But that's not your fault. That is their faults! No one should be treated like you were and even physically abused also. That's just not right.

I have had similar experiences with my family also. I'm an only child so didn't have the problems you had with siblings but family members just sort of ignored me after my parents divorced. They never called or visited like they used to. This was on both sides; my mother's and father's. My father didn't even come to my wedding when I got married the first time. I'm noticing the same ignoring with my current husband, Ed's family also. After he died in 2024 they all quit communciating with me; no calls or letters etc. It's like they don't care and I don't think they do! Now I'm 80 there is very little family left to communicate with on either side; just two cousins in New York State. We do talk on the phone if I pay for it. I have free minutes so that's OK.
I finally did what I should have done all along and that is put everything in God's hands! After that, things started to work out fine. I began to forget about how people ignored me or treated me badly. I also started feeling less lonely without my husband. I missed him but was glad that he is up in Heaven and out of pain. I know we'll be together again eventually in God's time. Life began to have some real meaning for me instead of just existing and paying the bills.

I would suggest that you just reach out to God and tell him all of your concerns. He will direct you and straighten everything out for you. It states in the Bible to "Ask and it will be given to you." So, just ask God for help! He's a lot cheaper than a therapist and you will probably get much better results. I'll say a prayer for you also.
I wish you the best.
PML

Therapy really helped me before with some issues. I may return for maintenance. It understandable you would feel emotional about your experiences.

My theory is that most families have dysfunction. Some show it and others hide it pretty well. But it’s still there. Often, no one in the family talks about it. Since my dad died last year, I’ve given things more thought. It’s hard to know what should be discussed and what left alone. We were close and I still haven’t processed it fully. Guess it’ll take time. I try to align myself with people who care about me, kin or friend.

I don't know you, but you obviously have a conscience with whom you keep in constant touch. This is unlike, apparently, your closest kin who SHOULD HAVE loved you. I would be hurt knowing this and can fully understand why it still smarts to this day. You have a heart! You have cared for people. You want and need to be loved and accepted, and were very much in the place as a young person needing help to grow. So, you are experiencing the sensations of 'loss' and, yes, of grief. Perfectly natural and understandable.

Celia says your family was dysfunctional. The glue was your beloved dad. When he passed, so did the glue that kept the 'clock' running. It fell apart, and the collateral damage was your experience. But, your older brother must surely have suffered as well as evinced by his alcoholism....something that also bothers you greatly. You know he endured a private hell, one that you shared.

I don't know if you feel cheated by being cut out of any inheritance, but I would. Not so much the goods or property, but the respect and inclusivity that was never there.

This is a grind for you that doesn't want to let go. Maybe therapy, a peer group that meets regularly, some kind of venue for you to unburden yourself would be useful. You'll just stew in your own juices working over and over again all that you know and have come to understand....or don't.

@gloaming Thank you for your very insightful reply.

You are correct on many counts. The rift with my family began early on. I was sick of their behavior -- the lies, the manipulations, the harm -- and I distanced myself, physically and emotionally. The further I got, the happier I became.

Things accelerated once I married. My wife has a very large and very strong family, but one main difference between her upbringing and mine was honesty. After the initial shock, I realized that her way was better. Much better.

And once I married, I learned what love really is. In my family, "love" was scorekeeping: "I did X for you, now you owe me 2X." But my wife taught me that love isn't like that. Especially since becoming disabled, I have really seen what unconditional love is. I'm not sure what I did to deserve such incredible devotion, but I try to stay worthy of it.

You are spot-on about the disinheritance. Money would have been nice, but the hardest part was seeing the phrasing in the will that I was being "deliberately excluded"; it was hurtful, but also a complete dishonoring of my father's wishes and intentions.

Anyway, your comment and those of others have been very helpful. I have set up an exercise in which I imagine that I'm talking one-on-one with my mother and brothers, telling them now what I couldn't say when they were alive. We'll see how that works out.

Thanks again.