I need help dealing with my dying spouse.

Posted by triciapd @triciapd, Jun 24 8:46pm

I remarried my spouse I divorced over 20 years ago. He has stage 4 cancer and is no longer seeking treatment. I am here for him fully but sometimes I feel as though he only cares about himself and has no concern about what I am or will go through upon his death.

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babbsjoy | @babbsjoy | Jun 25 2:12pm

@triciapd

I am so sorry for what you must be going through. I am sure that there will be lots of good advice from people more experienced than I.

It is sad that your husband does not recognize your stress and needs. I have not yet experienced a life threatening illness, but I can imagine its potential for making you self-centered. That being said, you are experiencing trauma and stress as well and deserve love, attention, and help.

I know that in caring for my very elderly father, the responsibilities and stressors often feel unbearable. I don’t imagine there is a way to “change” your husband. If he will cooperate with therapy, or speaking to clergy, etc—maybe that will give him an outlet to help him deal with what he is experiencing.

I would recommend the same for you. I speak to a therapist once a month and although she does not have any magical way to change my circumstances, just talking over experiences and feelings help. Also, if you can hire some help at home so that you can get out and engage in activities and friendships—that might help too.

I know how hard harsh words and dissatisfied spirit are to deal with. I struggle with it myself. I am sorry for all you are going through and pray peace for you.

Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Jun 25 3:57pm

Hello, @triciapd I’m Scott and I was my wife’s caregiver during her 14+ year war with brain cancer.

Early in our journey her neuro oncologist gave me some insight that helped me daily. It was “remember she lives every day fearing it will be her last. She is the one dying, you are the carer. You’ll need to remember to cut her slack often.’

Strength, Courage, & Peace

celia16 | @celia16 | Jun 26 6:35am

Are you getting help from Hospice? That might be helpful. I recall reading about how a person who is facing a terminal illness goes through stages of their focus going inward. Their relationships can be impacted. So sorry you are going through this.

kimmie25 | @kimmie25 | 9 hours ago

I haven’t started hospice yet, but I did talk to them so that they’re ready because the time seems to be coming close according to the doctors, but they have a great system in place for any kind of help that you may need for yourself your family and your husband. You can still talk to the social workers and stuff at the hospital as well and see if they can help, but hospice might be the best bet. Good luck with everything. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.