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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
Caregivers | Last Active: 1 day ago | Replies (289)Comment receiving replies
My husband has Myesthenia Gravis 2019 and Parkinsons 2022. He now falls a LOT and I just cannot stop him, hes a fixer and mechanic by nature and is repeatedly doing risky behavior. Dr. suggests a wheel chair but he's not quite ready and I am getting really cranky, feel like a nag with meds, grooming, lecturing. I just have no patience and I feel really bad now because I just got a 5 night break to travel cross country and do not feel at all refreshed. I need an attitude adjustment, feeling very resentful. It is a second marriage, I was widowed and I have no idea what to expect. I just need to let him do what he wants and accept. I feel badly either way...I now have a real appreciation for what spouses go through in their golden years...I applaud you all.
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@anital2025
I became my husband’s caregiver gradually over the last 9 years. It all started with a spinal cord tumor that was resolved with surgery. Even once he was no longer bed-bound, his mindset & personality was 180 degrees from the gentle, loving, godly man I had married and known for decades. He had become introverted, self-centered, arrogant, and entitled. He refused to do anything he didn’t want to do, including feeding and hydrating himself while I was at work.
Now, COPD and chronic pain due to degenerating spinal discs/severe arthritis is his life. (We’ve been through 3 heart attacks, 2 stents, and kidney cancer since 2012.) He sleeps for days at a time, not even eating. The doctors have no reason for the sudden and lingering fatigue. When he is asleep, he wants me to stay at home. He becomes hostile if he wakes up and I’m not home OR easily found within our home or property. He alternates between being sullen and hateful when he is awake and refusing to do things for himself. “It’s easier for you,” he’ll say. He has become increasingly forgetful. I retired from work last fall so I can go with him to all his appointments to keep him from driving so much. He argues about having to use his hearing aids when he is awake and gets mean if I speak too loud to him. Sometimes, I actually look forward to his days-long naps so the demands and unpleasantness stop for a while.
I wind up getting impatient, feeling tired, hopeless, and even resentful. Like you, I try to adjust my attitude, knowing the impact that my attitude has on things. I have a strong faith and a good prayer life. I retired from work last fall so I can attend all of medical appointments with him to keep him from driving so much. My husband’s hatefulness and verbal cruelty since 2017 (even before he got this ill!) nearly destroyed any love I had for him. But prayer and faith helped me to show him love, patience, and security.
Still, I struggle with the impatience, resentment, and even guilt. I continually monitor my own attitude and make changes in myself whenever I can. It truly is one day at a time, isn’t it?