1. < Depression & Anxiety
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I want life to end & don't know what to do. Been here?

Posted by papersoup @papersoup, Apr 9 8:56pm

I don't know what to do anymore. Everyday I have persistent thoughts questioning why I have to continue living. I'm a 27 year old woman, I live in a big city, I have a cool job, I have some friends but most live far away. I try to be grateful for what I have but seeing others live such fulfilling lives makes me want mine to end. It seems like I'm always the only co-worker with zero weekend plans ever. I genuinely don't understand how everyone seems to have so much to do. I try to befriend my coworkers but they have enough close friends. I've tried to go out to art classes or groups on the weekend and most of the time came home in tears. I don't date and never have even though it was my dream to have a family one day. My brain tells me they would just leave such a boring gross person like me.

I've tried multiple therapists and counselling for nearly 6 years now, I'm also on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. I've seen no difference and if anything the thoughts of wanting to die are more persistent like it's what I'm supposed to do. I cannot stand being alive. The only reason I don't end it is because I'm scared of becoming permanently injured instead of dying. I self harm constantly, especially if I do something embarrassing or mess up.

The thing is, I don't understand how to change this and honestly I don't know if I even want to. I've thought about applying for medically assisted death if I ever could be eligible. I just keep showing up to work so I don't lose my apartment. Most days I get home and cry, self harm, and try to find some way to end this.

At the same time I wish I had a reason to live or something to hold on to but simply don't. I don't have any family, no real close friends, I don't enjoy anything because everything I would enjoy seems out of reach.

Has anyone else ever felt this way? Does it get better or should I just not bother?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

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gseaborn | @gseaborn | Jun 10 8:12am

This was me in 2021 after a suicide attempt. I think you should to a therapist and maybe look into depression or anxiety medications if it continues.

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5148branelly | @5148branelly | Jun 10 2:52pm
In reply to @persimmons "@5148branelly Yes, I have been w Stanford Psychiatry Dept first w Dr Po Wang 20 yrs+..." + (show)
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@5148branelly Yes, I have been w Stanford Psychiatry Dept first w Dr Po Wang 20 yrs+ and now w a colleague MD there. Your reply to poster was spot on to contact Stanford or a University medical ctr Psychiatry Dept. The poster needs to be w better care which university medical has always been the case for me. UCSD and Stanford. There are many drs/ psychiatrists not as effective for evaluation or up to date treatments.
I had a kidney transplant w Mayo Clinic AZ 7/35/23. I have side effects w anti rejection meds to prevent organ rejection that include increased anxiety, etc. Not even Stanford specialists understands except wonderful pcp. And few counseling therapists in Bay Area cost of living since pandemic started 2020.
I do hope poster reaches out to a university medical ctr Psychiatry dept.

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I’m glad they have helped you!

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hearttoheart1 | @hearttoheart1 | Jun 11 3:21pm

I feel your head is very busy and so much going on that you are finding it hard to think straight.AS far as work colleagues having wonderful social weekends ,well I don’t believe it.
You need to do one thing at a time that makes you happy and makes you feel good
I also get the impression you are in a hurry to find a quick resolve,
Not so!
you need to slow your brain down, go back to nature and the simple life
.you are young.
You can do this,
I did !
I believe in you x

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ClimbingMountains81 | @climbingmountains81 | Jun 15 11:47pm

Thank you so much for sharing and reaching out. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Sending you support and love and hope you know you’re valuable, worthy and you are not alone! Hang in there and I hope you find something that is helpful. ❤️ For me support groups, my IOP that was focused on hiking in Boulder, and reading A Course in Miracles was very helpful. Please keep connected here!

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Randy Shields | @randallshields56 | Jun 17 5:30pm
In reply to @climbingmountains81 "Thank you so much for sharing and reaching out. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Sending..." + (show)
Profile picture for ClimbingMountains81 @climbingmountains81

Thank you so much for sharing and reaching out. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Sending you support and love and hope you know you’re valuable, worthy and you are not alone! Hang in there and I hope you find something that is helpful. ❤️ For me support groups, my IOP that was focused on hiking in Boulder, and reading A Course in Miracles was very helpful. Please keep connected here!

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@climbingmountains81
Getting better yes. find things you might like, Big city, just suggestions mind you but of late i hit a brick wall as to getting out and not going crazy or like you doing things i didn't need happening. My care giver has started taking me places to get active and socialize. Bowling even though i have the gutter guard in place it is still fun, next was miniature golfing. got blown out of the park. want to take up dancing and maybe write a book in case someone wants a good down to life in and out drama story. paint by numbers, and you are never too old to color book. I turn 70 this year and want to do so many more things, maybe fall in love again then i would have a partner in the rest of my journeys. don't cut yourself short, there are hundreds of neat things to help you grow no matter what your age is. here is hoping you find numerous things to enjoy. Have a blessed day and evening.

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healthme | @healthme | Jun 23 8:44am

@papersoup
Yes you should bother!
You are loved & wonderfully made by God!
We all have a purpose in our life. Please talk to God, he listens. Ask him to remove your feelings of despair, loneliness, anything you're feeling. Tell him what you need, want. Go out in nature, walk w/ the sun shining on you. If you can reach out to your family or a friend, there are also groups you can attend in your community. Believe me there are so many churches that would welcome you and aren't pushy & have alot of resources to help you.
Someone else suggested a pet, I believe pets bring you joy, it gives you satisfaction in caring for another life, having companionship & they're fun! Added bonus : they don't bring drama into your life!
I pray for your heart to heal. I know it helps to feel gratitude for something daily: home, job
food, sunshine, birds chirping etc. Also volunteering at a shelter or something can really lift one's spirit focusing on helping those less fortunate & in bringing others hope.
God bless you & strengthen you on your healing journey 🙏 ❤️

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