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A Path I Never Chose
My heart is so damn heavy I can barely breathe around it. It’s not just sadness. It’s grief, it’s rage, it’s this crushing weight that shows up every morning when I wake up and remember, oh yeah, I’m still sick. I’m still losing.
It’s one step forward and two steps back, and I’m so tired of falling. With my DNA markers changing, and being triple negative, I don’t even get the same chances most people do. Starting out at stage 4, I have no chance of a cure. My fight has to be uglier. More aggressive. My body doesn’t get the “standard” options. It gets the desperate ones. And I’m the one who has to live in it, feel every side effect, feel every hope get ripped away.
I had a good scan. God, I had a good scan. For a few days I let myself be hopeful. I smiled without forcing it. I made plans in my head. I let myself believe. Then the next scan came. It’s in my neck now. My chest. It’s spreading. Just like that. Right after I let my guard down. The crash from that kind of hope is violent. It knocked the air out of me. The sparkle in my eyes didn’t fade, It went out. I saw it die in the mirror and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.
I’ve been smiling an being hopeful for so long I forgot what it feels like to just break down. I say “I’m okay.” I make jokes in the infusion room. All because I can’t stand the idea of the people I love hurting because of me. I’d rather choke on my own pain than see it on their faces. But I can’t do it anymore. I’m not okay. I’m not strong. I’m not brave. I’m a 36 year old woman who is terrified and furious and so, so sad. Nothing is going how I planned. Not one thing. And I hate it. I hate this body. I hate these scans. I hate that hope feels like a trap now.
I’m scared in a way I didn’t know a person could be scared. It’s bone deep. It’s every-cell-in-my-body scared. Because this isn’t a bad chapter. This feels like the end of the book, and nobody asked me if I was ready to close it. I keep screaming “why me” into the dark and the dark just swallows it. No answer. No reason. Just this. This path I never would have chosen. This path that’s chewing me up and spitting me out. Over and over again.
My body hurts in languages I don’t even have words for. Fire. Lead. Lightning. Empty. And then there’s the other pain, the one that lives in my soul. The one that happens when it’s quiet and I realize nobody, nobody, can feel this the way I do. It’s the loneliest thing I’ve ever known. I’m trapped inside a body that declared war on me, with a mind that keeps replaying every dream I won’t get to live.
So if I’m mean, I’m sorry. If I’m distant, I’m sorry. If I don’t make sense, if I snap, if I go completely silent for days, or just start crying out of no where...please don’t take it personal. I’m drowning. I’m grieving my own life while I’m still in it. I’m mourning a future that was supposed to be mine. Some days the anger is the only thing keeping me warm because everything else feels so cold.
I don’t understand. I don’t accept it. And I am so tired of pretending I’m some warrior. Most days I’m just a broken, terrified human who wants a cure she wont get. Who wants to stop counting tumors and start laughing again.
I had to get this out of my head. My head is a dangerous neighborhood right now and I can’t live there alone anymore. So I thank everyone who comments on my posts!
If you care about me, if you hear me stay. Even when I’m so hard to deal with. Even when I’m not the me you remember. Thank you for witnessing this with me. Thank you for not looking away. This is as real as it gets. I’m doing the best I can with a heart that’s shattered and a body that won’t stop taking things from me. I tried so hard to stay ten toes down I swear I heard "wow your so positive". "Your a inspiration". Until now, and I'm so sorry I let the light in me burn out.
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@kono8888 My sister was considering the same option, but in the end, she chose to be heavily medicated, which as I understand is often the path taken. I would've supported her decision either way. This conversation is a difficult one for me. My biggest fear is being left incapable of doing what I love to do. That said, I have a granddaughter who suffers from severe CP and has never had the freedom to pursue any of her dreams. How can I justify to her how life isn't worth living under those conditions. If there is anything that I've learned from this forum, it's that life isn't about fairness. If anything, it's about how we face what is before us. Does that really matter in the long run? Maybe we'll get an answer in the next life.
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9 Reactions@56tburd So many of us have been in similar circumstances. We have dreams, plans, and then life throws us a curve ball. So we may need to adjust those ideas to what we can do. I have often reflected on what I had dreamt to do, and how that won't be possible now.
You're right, life isn't often fair, but it allows us to broaden our focus and perhaps do things we hadn't considered. What are your granddaughter's dreams?
Ginger
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4 Reactions@gingerw, I have to assume she has the same as most kids, but her ability to express them hasn't developed. While she is able to voice discernable words with great difficulty, for the most part, she is non-communicative beyond basic needs. She often surprises us with short sentences out of the blue. Partially blind and with scarce fine motor control, the most basic of tasks are beyond her abilities. That said, she is the bravest of people I know. She is ready to explore new adventures with courage and enthusiasm. I'm not biased at all.
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5 ReactionsShellyGrayWings: Hi, how is today treating you? I took a little break from “ terminal” , but fear that my last MRI didn’t show much stability - so I’m back in reality. You understand that Scananxiety is ruling my day today. I know better… “it is what it is” those words I have given to other worry-worts many times.
What has been going on with you? I think of you and wonder how your days are filled with busy stuff or maybe seeing a great movie or enjoying your favorite treat! The best wish I have is for your specialists to come up with a “magic pill” to take away all your troubles. Now I’m sounding like our nemesis Polly-Anna!
Hope I made you smile! Hug, Bette
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6 Reactions@shellyk89
I feel very sad for you. Your words are well considered and you have borne alot. You don't give specifics, but some stage 4 cancers are treatable and not always a death sentence. I hope you have found some peace whatever your situation is.
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5 ReactionsA cancer diagnosis makes us all think about death. The higher the stage, the more scary it is. It is the reality that we live with and people who are not in our shoes don’t get it. It’s why we all gravitate to forums like this.
Hugs and peace to all.
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6 ReactionsSo sorry to hear your beyond sad story. My son had cancer of the kidney and was so devastated and scared. After having just the portion 1/3 of the kidney removed he still worried constant at 33 years old and finally had a body scan to try and relieve his ancestry. The body scan was clear of any other cancers. Then a week later he died in a car accident. We have no control in our lives from the moment of conception all we have is this experience of choosing our outlook as the trials and joys happen. My son died 3 years ago and then my MRI found a ILC in my right breast and now I the Mental Health Therapist deal with all the problems at 75 years of age but I have had a full lifetime. About half of it was not great due to abusive marriage but presently I love my life and seeing my Grandchildren lives unfold like a flower opening and I get to see it bloom.
I lost a dear friend to cancer at 18 years of age. Everyday since then I have tried to remember that Janice did not have the experiences I have been blessed or cursed with! We get the ride without ever buying or wanting a ticket! This for me has a been a reason I made a choice as a child to embrace Christianity values as a way forward to coop with life from an early age. It helped me to that placing my faith into beyond the realm of this short lifetime gave me hope for eternity and all that I cannot bear here on Earth is only a temporary situation and it pulls me out of my grief for loosing my control of my health and this life.
I would suggest since I was a Christian Counselor to find this relief for all that you are experiencing right now by starting therapy to give you an answer and problem solutions in your quest for relief of this strain.
I love your writing style and wish I could hug you right now. I hope you have a family to help you and I will be praying for you.
May the Lord Bless you.
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4 Reactions@tpoipu51 , what a wonderful post! Your words sure are a blessing to me. I’m not facing cancer, but came here nonetheless . Bless you!
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2 Reactions@celia16 thank you 🙂
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1 Reaction@tpoipu51 your words are a blessing to me tonight. Im so sorry about your son and everything your going through but seeing your strength is uplifting. Thank !
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4 Reactions