Anyone feel they made major life mistakes that are not forgivable?

@elainer12 The therapist is correct - and you know that. Start taking care of yourself - your son need to do the same. He knows he is depressed and he knows there is help for him. If he refuses - for whatever the reason - the onus is on him, not you.

@elainer12 I have four kids. No, you cannot control someone else's behavior.

I had four children; two boys and two girls.

Now I know very well, two grown women and two grown men. I used to worry constantly about the "children", how they are doing, managing life, their ups and downs.

All my worrying did nothing; it didn't help, it didn't make me feel any better. So I started calling them women and men, not my "children". Having children is simply a phase in my life, not a forever role.

So I stopped worrying. Cold turkey.

Did they worry about me? No. Did they appreciate my worry and my laying awake at night? No. My emotional turmoil? No.

I asked myself those things in the mirror. The answer was no to everything. In addition, I considered my expectations of the role these four were to play in my life and my expectations were - to put it mildly, stupid.

I should not expect my grown kids to need me for anything nor should I expect them to care about me simply because I was the mother they were born to.

Kids are simply a gift from God for the time they are kids. Once they are adults, they make choices I cannot be responsible for.

I decided my job as a parent was over. I mourned the role for a year or two and sad as it felt:

I feel free and happy now. I did my job the best I could. I no longer am responsible for their lives.

They are: because they are adults.

Hang in there. No we can't control their behavior and I keep my distance so I don't watch or see them do stupid things and make poor choices. Experience is now their teacher, not me.

@slarson14 Thank you-I needed this!
I have two grown sons who are married with children who I love deeply. I am pretty hands off with regard to giving advice or interjecting my opinions, but cannot help but worry about their well being. This strikes in the middle of the night, which I have labeled as the “circle of worry”. My one son’s children eat so much sugar and processed food (even though their mother is a pediatrician) and my son himself consumes way too much red meat, bacon and deli meat. This is one small example. Even as I’m typing this, it seems silly!
I am fully aware that worry changes nothing and is harmful to my health, but it’s difficult to turn it off. Your post will help me and I will be rereading it. Thank you again! Cindy

Yes, at some point in life we need to stop being caregivers. Our personal reserves of energy decline and we need to figure out when and how to meter it out.

Letting go of kids is the hardest thing I have ever done and I do backslide a bit now and then. The yearning to hear their voices and laughter has been the hardest for me.

@cmdw2600 This conversation couldn't be more timely. I was awake at 2:30 am last nigh with worry. It happens regularly. Our son is angry with us right now because we expressed our concern about a decision they have made regarding our grandsons that we strongly disagree with. We told him we were worried about it and he reacted strongly and isn't speaking to us. Do we ever stop worrying about our children/grandchildren? I wish I could and the silence is hurtful.

elainer I thought I was reading about me. I'm not in my sixties but 84 so you could be my daughter. My oldest daughter is 61. I wish I could stop thinking about what I should or could have done in my life. I think there is something about being a Jewish only child. I was expected to get married and have a family but that's all that was expected of me, especially in my era. My first marriage to my high school sweetheart ended in divorce. We had two daughters. Since I thought I was supposed to be married I married someone else too soon afterward. We have been married for 51 years but were separated twice. My 61 year old daughter was widowed instantly in December of 2024. One minute her husband was in the kitchen the next he was gone. I was just visiting for Passover and asked her if she would ever marry again and she said no. This was her only boyfriend that she met her first day of college. I wish I had done more with my life.

@gussie

I am 83. Getting married and having kids was all that was expected of most women in the U S. That’s all I expected of myself and I went to college primarily to find a man to marry. (My grades showed that learning was not all that important to me; I barely managed to graduate.) But I was lucky. I found the right man. It lasted for 55 years until he died at 76.