To move near family or stay put

@kjoed53 sometimes children will encourage parents to move close to them with all good intentions, but young people have extremely busy lives with work and their own growing family so may not be able to give the kind of social and emotional support that the parents are getting already, where they are living. If they are enjoying their social life among friends of the same age group with same issues … why fix something that is not broken?

There is one other consideration that may already have been mentioned: If we move closer to one of our children, and that person is also advanced in age (60 is advanced in age!), and that person is in an intact marriage, one or both of those two might need a great amount of care suddenly, just about the time the van driver asks you to sign his 'Everything got here and nuthin's broke' forms.

Now what...?

@rashida
If you wait until something breaks before you fix it, it might not be fixable any more. Each situation is different, but waiting for something to break is like ignoring the warning signs for maintenance on your car.

@kjoed53 I am sure @beckboop13 understands exactly what I meant by using that expression.

Bottom line: @beckboop13 is very happy where she is. If her children love her (and I am sure they do) they will accept her decision to stay where she is, loving her unconditionally and supporting her in her decision.

@gloaming
What a good point! I’m 64 and my husband is older than I am. As my dad’s care needs escalate and I grow more and more exhausted, it isn’t lost on me (especially since I have severe osteo of the spine), that if I’m incapacitated, there would be no one to take care of him. A couple years ago when I had Covid, I could double mask and glove and set out his meds with times clearly marked, and food, and call him from “quarantine” upstairs for reminders, and he was fine. I cleaned his room and did his laundry with PPE on and while he sat on our covered porch outside. But he has declined in many ways and that would not work now. Having to make some back up plans…..

@babbsjoy I hope you won't take this as a patronizing comment, but gosh are you a fine person for all you have done.

@rashida
I agree. My 94 year old dad moved in with us, now entering our sixth year. Prior to that, he and mom did not have friends or socialize very much in the community where they lived, but had friendly neighbors drop by daily here and there to chat—which counted for a lot, and they had each other (and I was over there frequently during the week). Our household, once teaming with activity of young people in and out, is now very quiet as kids are adults now living away, and caregiving began while COVID was still prevalent and no vaccines (so we never re established our friendships as they were before, with people here at the house frequently).
Dad feels lonely and isolated and hasn’t found a niche/outlet—despite many offerings over the years. Tough for him to explore with health issues mounting and physical abilities declining, even with my constant support and encouragement.

Seeing all this, I think that if someone is established with strong friendships and enjoying activities in their current location, it might be worth considering planning to age and obtain care within that same community. I would tour assisted living, independent living, skilled nursing facilities and make choices for the future. I would interview area care managers to have them eventually help with attending doctors appointments, coordinating care, and checking in to make sure all care is going well. I would talk to kids/loved ones about being POA and/or healthcare POA from a distance using the care manager when/if the time comes. I would have a plan and write it all out. Of course, finances can come into play here too—so options can vary and all this may not be obtainable….But having an active life that you enjoy is definitely not to be taken for granted! Of course, everyone’s situation and health needs are different, as are their family and friend relationships. And no one wants to find themselves isolated in their home and needing help, with no one close by to support them. So for myself, I hope to plan everything out as best I can (and afford)—being realistic. Just something to consider…..

There is one other consideration that may already have been mentioned: If we move closer to one of our children, and that person is also advanced in age (60 is advanced in age!), and that person is in an intact marriage, one or both of those two might need a great amount of care suddenly, just about the time the van driver asks you to sign his 'Everything got here and nuthin's broke' forms.

Now what...?

I'm 73 and in very good health, considering that I need to rest more than I used to. I've been considering this question for the past several years. Both of my kids (daughters) are happily married with young kids. First, I looked at retirement communities close to one of my kids. who lives about 450 miles from me. The other cringed at the thought of me being closer-- I live about 300 miles from her now. I saw 2 communities that seemed ok, I could move there if I chose to, but I decided not to. My current home is nicer than their new homes and my mother was still living and spending six months of the year with me. I'd rehabbed the first floor bathroom, which is next to an office/bedroom, to ADA specs for her and I thought it would be better for her to have things the same. When she died last year (at 100) I started considering a CCRC friends were moving to. I could afford it and there were a lot of "pro's". But after looking at several units and spending some time there, I felt like I do after a long vacation- I just wanted to go home to my home. I've decided I'm not "ready" to downsize from my 4br, 2400sf home to a 2 or 1 bedroom unit. I love the artwork I've collected from friends or purchased, and the inherited furnishings I wouldn't have room for. Besides, my home is accessible with extra bedroom(s) if I need a live-in attendant. So, no, I'm not moving. My friends are here, my neighborhood is friendly (I've been here 25 years), and I can hire a driver if/when the day comes when I shouldn't be driving. So much to consider, and its such an individual decision. I know I can change my mind if I want to or need to. My kids are busy with their families. I love my grandkids so much that I do my best to be with them when they visit. I've just had a new kind of adventure with each of the families. I met one in Williamsburg and the other at Great Wolf lodge before several more days with each at my home. When they left, I slept for 3 hours, and was glad the housekeepers came the next day. I see them about 3x/year. That's about as often as my kids saw their grandparents and they were emotionally close, so I know it's possible.