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Anyone feel they made major life mistakes that are not forgivable?
I’m in my 60s and have realized I made major mistakes in my life that I cannot make amends for. I’ve always had a strong faith in God and feel now that God will not forgive me. I married a man that I did not love because I wanted to be married and have a family. I grew up an only child with no extended family and difficulty making friends. I thought love for my husband would develop out of our friendship, but it didn’t because of his anger issues. We have two adult sons. The older one barely keeps in touch and the younger one has undiagnosed depression and anger issues. I have seen a therapist who said I should try to forgive myself. I have tried to be a good wife and mother. I have prayed for forgiveness and admitted my mistakes. I want to pray to God for help but feel unworthy. Being Jewish, I have the belief in God’s attribute of justice as well as mercy. How can I move forward? How can God forgive me?
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@elainer12 The therapist is correct - and you know that. Start taking care of yourself - your son need to do the same. He knows he is depressed and he knows there is help for him. If he refuses - for whatever the reason - the onus is on him, not you.
@elainer12 I have four kids. No, you cannot control someone else's behavior.
I had four children; two boys and two girls.
Now I know very well, two grown women and two grown men. I used to worry constantly about the "children", how they are doing, managing life, their ups and downs.
All my worrying did nothing; it didn't help, it didn't make me feel any better. So I started calling them women and men, not my "children". Having children is simply a phase in my life, not a forever role.
So I stopped worrying. Cold turkey.
Did they worry about me? No. Did they appreciate my worry and my laying awake at night? No. My emotional turmoil? No.
I asked myself those things in the mirror. The answer was no to everything. In addition, I considered my expectations of the role these four were to play in my life and my expectations were - to put it mildly, stupid.
I should not expect my grown kids to need me for anything nor should I expect them to care about me simply because I was the mother they were born to.
Kids are simply a gift from God for the time they are kids. Once they are adults, they make choices I cannot be responsible for.
I decided my job as a parent was over. I mourned the role for a year or two and sad as it felt:
I feel free and happy now. I did my job the best I could. I no longer am responsible for their lives.
They are: because they are adults.
Hang in there. No we can't control their behavior and I keep my distance so I don't watch or see them do stupid things and make poor choices. Experience is now their teacher, not me.
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6 Reactions@slarson14 Thank you-I needed this!
I have two grown sons who are married with children who I love deeply. I am pretty hands off with regard to giving advice or interjecting my opinions, but cannot help but worry about their well being. This strikes in the middle of the night, which I have labeled as the “circle of worry”. My one son’s children eat so much sugar and processed food (even though their mother is a pediatrician) and my son himself consumes way too much red meat, bacon and deli meat. This is one small example. Even as I’m typing this, it seems silly!
I am fully aware that worry changes nothing and is harmful to my health, but it’s difficult to turn it off. Your post will help me and I will be rereading it. Thank you again! Cindy
Yes, at some point in life we need to stop being caregivers. Our personal reserves of energy decline and we need to figure out when and how to meter it out.
Letting go of kids is the hardest thing I have ever done and I do backslide a bit now and then. The yearning to hear their voices and laughter has been the hardest for me.