How do I rid myself of this responsibility?

Posted by rusty1948 @rusty1948, Feb 23 3:36am

How to I rid myself of this responsibility?
I have been managing all of my brother-in-laws care and responsibility by myself going on five years after my sister passed.
I'm doing this alone without consistent help from any of his three ADULT children, or anyone else. There was ONLY one child that was consistent in visiting or CARING about him.
My sister asked me to take care of him. I made a promise to my sister on her death bed, a promise made under emotional pressures, not a life sentence.
I've honored my sister's request for FOUR YEARS (and counting)! I've done more than anyone could reasonably expect. And why does "he" expect me to continue doing all of this for him???
He lives in the same house as me, my adult brother and adult nephew. My sister and him moved in the house when she could no longer pay for her condo. This was more than' 10 years ago. I gave them the spacious area I used to live in because they were married and needed the space. I moved into one of the very small bedrooms in the house. When she died, he never said, 'here's your space back." He's still in there and only uses 1/4th of the space.

I cannot and should not destroy my own well-being to keep a promise that was NEVER MEANT to last forever. Because that's exactly what it is. Four years and counting of carrying someone else's responsibility, someone else's chaos, someone elses needs, on top of my own life. That's not a small thing. That's a MASSIVE emotional and huge burden.

Here's the part NONE OF YOU SEE: I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS. I INHERITED IT. I WAS 'LEFT' WITH IT.

Four years and counting of doing everything for someone who isn't my partner, spouse, parent or child.
That's not caregiving in the usual sense. That's caretaking by default, because no one else stepped up.

He's had heart surgery and does not take care of himself as far as his diet, exercise or anything. He doesn't care.
I've been:
Managing his bills
Handling his checkbook
He is a Veteran, and I also keep a calendar and remind him of
medical appointments
I Fill his 'five' pill dispensers (I requested more medication from
the VA, because I did not want to fill the dispensers every week. He has 16 different medications he takes)
Fixing all the problems HE'S CAUSED
Carrying the emotional weight of my sister's last request
Absorbing the stress HIS OWN CHILDREN won't take on.
That's not helping. That running someone else's entire life.
It's no wonder I'm exhaused, angry and FEEL STUCK.

But honoring someone's memory doesn't mean sacrificing your entire life indefinitely!
I have to say:
This is too much
I can't keep doing this alone
Something has to change.

I've been doing this 'entirely alone; no one should be carrying this kind of responsibility without support.
When I say 'By Myself' it's not just a statement. It's a whole story in three words.

So, now one of his adult kids will have to take this over but they won't.
I suggested to one of his adult daughter's that he move in with her and she can start taking care of him.
She said, 'well there's really no room here in my house', but he can build a little house on our land! He cannot afford that!
His son lives in Virginia; his other daughter is useless (she lives in Wisconsin)
His brother and him discussed moving into an apartment together (he cannot afford that - he has too many financial responsiblities)
He cannot do anything on his own.
I'm 72 and he's 75.
I have no issues.
How to I rid myself of this responsibility?

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Lynn | @cometsmom | Feb 23 5:29am

Wow, you're carrying so much. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. How awful that his own children won't step up. This is not your burden to carry! I don't have any words of wisdom about how to best extract yourself. Can you contact an Agency on Aging office, or the VA? They might be able to give you options or direction.

I just wanted to just let you know that I hear you and feel your frustration. Best of luck to you. Come back often for support, keep us posted.

Lynn

bettes | @bettes | Feb 23 7:02am

Oh, boy. This is a disaster. If the VA has not assigned a social worker for him, get one. Then make an appointment in person, if possible, or by phone, and press forward with having him placed in a veteran’s home since there is no family to care for him. Technically, you are not family, and what there is, is hopeless. Do this today. And please post what happens so I can help you think through next steps. This must stop. Bette

Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Feb 23 12:59pm

@rusty1948 Wow - you have done more than anyone, including a beloved sister, can reasonably expect. I second the suggestions above - contact the VA or your state Veteran's Affairs office and get help to move him a vet's home. Do NOT let his children or your memories of your sister keep you enslaved to someone who clearly seems to be taking advantage of you. If the VA cannot help, get a referral to your state or county senior services and make a plan.
If your brother-in-law is in full command of his faculties, expalin what you are doing and why.

labrown | @labrown | Feb 24 5:29am

In reply to @bettes "Oh, boy. This is a disaster. If the VA has not assigned a social worker for..." + (show)

@bettes Excellent advice!

bettes | @bettes | Feb 24 9:25am

Have just gone through VA procedures in the last few months and am working toward services to keep my husband at home—our situation is different but procedures are similar. Not easy, but end results are brilliant and worth it.

Teri | @tsc | Feb 24 1:59pm

Hi rusty1948, your situation sounds dire. The VA referral suggestions, made by others, sound promising.
If all else fails, can you consult with a lawyer who specializes in elder law?
Your state or County Office of Aging may have a list of lawyers who can help you.
You can say you're a caregiver for an older adult and you need advice on how to legally and safely end this arrangement (from perplexity.ai).
I hope that helps.

Maryann | @mkoch | Feb 24 10:46pm

Do you own your house? If so, I'd sell it, maybe rent for a few months, and then buy something else, even if it means not having a house as nice as the one you now live in but at least you'd be FREE. You've honored your sister's wishes "good enough." Don't feel any guilt. You deserve to enjoy these last years of your own life. There are Veteran's homes scattered about the country that he could perhaps live in. It's time for his children to step up.

jehjeh | @jehjeh | Feb 25 4:20pm

I don't think a promise to "take care of someone" means sacrificing your life for the sake of the loved one. From my perspective, finding a place where your brother in law will be safe and receive the care he needs fulfills that promise. Keeping him in your home sounds unsustainable.

Please take care of yourself. Your sister, I imagine, didn't mean to burden you this way.

I'm praying for you and your family.

rusty1948 | @rusty1948 | Feb 26 7:43am

Thank you all for you comments/suggestions. I will certainly consider all of them and keep you posted as to what is happening.

slarson14 | @slarson14 | Feb 26 7:53am

Am a veteran. Hand him over to the VA social worker. The suggestion above to sell your home would set you free and then he would be qualified as a "homeless" veteran. Give the social worker the children's names and phone numbers, addresses.

You have gone above and far beyond any expectations you promised your sister. Your sister would not want to see you suffering.

Find your local area agency on aging and or an elder attorney, also.