Self-Preservation Tips?

Hi, @leeleip I'm Scott, and your comment really resonated with me. Having been my wife's caregiver for over 14 years, all I can say, from my experience, is you are spot on! I found that the belief of 'just ask for help' and 'help is out there' infuriating. The combination of our location, my wife's young age, my unforgiving employer, and her uncontrollable anxiety made for those suggestions to be hollow for us. Help is simply not readily available in all locations and communities. To me, this lack is yet another huge gap in our healthcare 'system' when it comes to caregiving.

The only thing I could ever accomplish for 'acceptable help' was to lay the need for someone on me. I'd tell her I was overwhelmed and needed someone for just a couple hours a week to help me with the housework. She knew I wasn't great at keeping the house clean, so she very reluctantly agreed. This 'housekeeper' for me was actually a CNA-type person, who, after several weeks, was finally seen by my wife as an acceptable addition. and slowly began to be allowed to do a bit of helping for her.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

@IndianaScott I have an update.
After reading your comment I gained strength and tried one more time. I approached my Mom by saying how exhausted I was. (She had another TIA last week, so I had been sleeping on the floor beside her bed for two nights.) Anyway, I told her tired I was and how I’m just not able to care for her 24/7 like I want to. I also said I’m trying so hard to keep her home with me. So I am going to search for someone to come into my home for a few hours, a few days a week to help me. She listened wide-eyed, and for a moment I saw the woman who raised me return. Her eyes softened and her face relaxed and she said, ok I understand. That statement alone made me more happy than I’ve been in the last 5 months.
Now my search begins, I can see a light ahead.
Thank you @IndianaScott. Thank you…

Today I finally hit the lowest point (so far) in my dementia care journey with my husband and my life. Up until today I thought I had been keeping my sh*t together pretty well. It is not actually frustration with my husband not wanting to take a shower and me yearning to go away for a while by myself. I realize he is not going to die from not showering as often as I would like him too. No, that's not what had me spinning around the room backwards like a balloon. It was and is my adult son who has ADD and is out of work. He doesn't seem to be able to follow through on the necessary paper work to live his life. In this case filing for disability. He is behind on his rent and is predicting that he, his wife and adult kids will be out on the street. His usual all or nothing mentality. He owes us thousands of dollars from his last bout of unemployment. He is in the trades and sometimes there are no jobs to be had. I have told him no more loans and he and his wife will have to figure this out for themselves. I am completely overwhelmed right now with taking care of my husband with dementia. I have no more eggs in my basket. Normally I don't get sucked into my son's drama but right now I feel like I have been drained of all my emotional strength. I called a good friend and vented and am having a glass of wine. Both are helping me get through this day. Thanks for listening.

Today I finally hit the lowest point (so far) in my dementia care journey with my husband and my life. Up until today I thought I had been keeping my sh*t together pretty well. It is not actually frustration with my husband not wanting to take a shower and me yearning to go away for a while by myself. I realize he is not going to die from not showering as often as I would like him too. No, that's not what had me spinning around the room backwards like a balloon. It was and is my adult son who has ADD and is out of work. He doesn't seem to be able to follow through on the necessary paper work to live his life. In this case filing for disability. He is behind on his rent and is predicting that he, his wife and adult kids will be out on the street. His usual all or nothing mentality. He owes us thousands of dollars from his last bout of unemployment. He is in the trades and sometimes there are no jobs to be had. I have told him no more loans and he and his wife will have to figure this out for themselves. I am completely overwhelmed right now with taking care of my husband with dementia. I have no more eggs in my basket. Normally I don't get sucked into my son's drama but right now I feel like I have been drained of all my emotional strength. I called a good friend and vented and am having a glass of wine. Both are helping me get through this day. Thanks for listening.

Today I finally hit the lowest point (so far) in my dementia care journey with my husband and my life. Up until today I thought I had been keeping my sh*t together pretty well. It is not actually frustration with my husband not wanting to take a shower and me yearning to go away for a while by myself. I realize he is not going to die from not showering as often as I would like him too. No, that's not what had me spinning around the room backwards like a balloon. It was and is my adult son who has ADD and is out of work. He doesn't seem to be able to follow through on the necessary paper work to live his life. In this case filing for disability. He is behind on his rent and is predicting that he, his wife and adult kids will be out on the street. His usual all or nothing mentality. He owes us thousands of dollars from his last bout of unemployment. He is in the trades and sometimes there are no jobs to be had. I have told him no more loans and he and his wife will have to figure this out for themselves. I am completely overwhelmed right now with taking care of my husband with dementia. I have no more eggs in my basket. Normally I don't get sucked into my son's drama but right now I feel like I have been drained of all my emotional strength. I called a good friend and vented and am having a glass of wine. Both are helping me get through this day. Thanks for listening.

Already, this morning, I have lost patience and raised my voice to my husband, at least 3 times, and it’s only 7 A.M.. Why can’t he take me at my word, and stop saying,”well, I don’t know”. I’m doing the best I can, for him. I think, if his daughter was here, he wouldn’t be that way with her. But, guess what. . . she’s rarely here. He doesn’t realize how frustrating he is being.

@ocdogmom
Hopefully your son has enough empathy, actually listens to you, and hears that you have nothing left to give, emotionally, financially, etc.
🫂

@judimahoney
He knows that asking for more money is not an option. When I reminded him of this recently and he became angry and said "way to kick me to the curb when I'm down". As if I was rubbing it in that he not longer had that option. For most go his adult life I have helped him out financially so I think I have create this dynamic. With my husband, he has been helping out emotionally and physically like when we had move all our bedroom furniture downstairs. I just have to accept that his financial, physical and mental welfare are not my responsibility. I just have too much on my plate right now. Thanks for responding Judi, I feel better knowing that someone cares.