I survived suicide attempts

@jenatsky - thanks for providing your input on major depressive disorder (MDD) treatments, and @jimhd, thank you for your honesty. Not having family support behind a direction I was seriously considering for treatment would sure be an uphill battle for me.

I can only imagine it's distressing to have people saying things about suicide that are not at all helpful, like it's the devil in one's heart or a selfish act, jimhd. I would envision those are not people who've encountered suicidal ideation themselves or witnessed this with a loved one, and are misguidedly speaking from ignorance, unfortunately. I am guessing these kinds of remarks are very hurtful.

Hoping some of the other members in this discussion such as @507 @johnjames @overwhelmed @audriana @tomgrinley will have some input on the TMS and ECT treatment options you are looking at currently, jimhd, and provide some empathy from their own experiences or those of a loved one with MDD. I'd also like to invite a few other members in the Depression & Anxiety support group who have mentioned TMS or ECT treatment to chime in on this discussion, as you may have some helpful experiences and personal research to share @ice @georgette12 @mandrake70 @phxlife @kathadilly @marjou.

jimhd - I'm guessing your psychiatrist has spoken to your wife and maybe other family members about the ECT and TMS treatment options at some point? If so, what has happened in those discussions with the doctor?

@jimhd Perhaps you have heard this before. I truly do appreciate your openness and honesty. You are doing others a service by acknowledging your struggles.

I don't have words of wisdom. My nephew committed suicide last August. I wish I had been there for him, but he was closed off from reaching out for sustainable help in his situation. Your journey is one that only you can fully understand.
Ginger

Good afternoon @jimhd , @lisalucier, et al.
I am still doing ketamine infusions every 8 weeks and TMS last fall to supplement it. While I am not sure the TMS helped with the depression, it did wonders for the migraines I have had for years. I did ECT a decade ago and it made things worse for me. I think I will go through another round of TMS soon to see if that will help this time around. I will say the ketamine infusions have been life altering for me. The last six years have been much better than I thought they ever could be.

The last two weeks have been bad and my wife has been amazing. I really don't deserve the wonderful person that she is. I think it is mainly stress and worry that have triggered this round of problems. I have been suicidal for the past two weeks but haven't acted on it since I have four people in my life that it would be devistated (mother, two daughters, and wife). Maybe we can't understand each other's pain I can at least say I sympathize with you and why you feel that it would have been better if you had died. I won't commit suicide but I often think about if an accident were to happen and I died, it would be OK.

@jimhd I didn't read through everything in the tread so forgive me if I missed what you have tried. If you haven't tried ketamine infusion (it's different than Spravato and uses both ketamine molecules instead of just one) or TMS, I would give them a try.

Hoping for you.
Mark

@mandrake70 I'm researching several options - ECT, TMS, Spravato and perhaps trying some new antidepressants. Ketamine isn't covered by Medicare, so it's not possible for financial reasons. Some of the options can be scary.

Depression came to a head in 2003, and I attempted suicide by overdose a number of times. I was always angry and disappointed when I woke up. I finally told my PCP about it (and my wife at the same time), and he told me I needed to check in to a facility associated with the main hospital in our area. I stayed for 3 weeks and had a 3 day return visit three months later. I've only made one attempt since then, around 15 years ago.

Reasons for not ending my life are the same as yours - my wife, daughter and son and 3 granddaughters. They're my primary safety plan. That said, suicidal thoughts are always in the back of my mind, and they like to pop up with triggers. I'm safe most of the time, but when depression or PTSD get worse, I'm too close to being at risk for comfort. I've been going through those low times quite a bit the past couple of months. That's why I think it's time to try a new approach. I'm reluctant to do TMS because I would have to stop my antidepressant, Wellbutrin, and the Klonopin I take for anxiety and RLS. The Klonopin is particularly hard to taper off, and I don't know how long I'd have to be off it prior to doing TMS. Also, TMS is an hour away from home. That's a lot of driving and fuel. ECT is only 25 minutes away, and doesn't have as many treatments. Spravato is also an hour away, and because I had such a bad dissociative reaction to the high dose in the hospital last year, it may not be an option for me.

Life is complicated.

I get what you said about dying in an accident or from a terminal illness. My brother had a stroke during surgery in December and didn't survive. Times like that, I think "why him and not me".

I get weary making myself focus on reasons for living, and staying busy with things that would normally make me happy. That's what the therapist tells me every time I see him. Sometimes those things just don't make much difference.

Jim

@gingerw I'm sorry for the loss of your nephew. I know you're going through the grieving that my family would if I were to end my life. I'd hate to do that to them.

Jim

Hi @jimhd
The driving is definitely a concern, especially for treatments that require a driver to take you home. The distances do suck and I know I am very lucky to live near Rochester and only have a half hour drive to treatments. Double check what the clinic is telling you about stopping your meds for TMS. It sounds like they are using the older protocols which aren't valid any longer. In theory, the Klonopin may slightly blunt TMS efficacy but it shouldn't have any other issue. As long as you don't have a history of seizures, you should be fine continuing the Welbutrin too. And actually, the Klonopin reduces seizure chance so... Sounds like it should be fine for both. Not a doctor but from what I have been reading, neither should be an issue.

I've had some bad treatments with ketamine infusion over the past six years, especially during the first two weeks of treatments. Highly emotional but that did get better. Almost all in the last five and a half have been good - only mabey two that were stressful. I had my wife ( new wife, married two years ago) in with me for the last few years. She has been able to help when I had issues and talk me through things. She also tends to keep my laughing during the treatments which helps.

I know the travel sucks and burns a lot of fuel but the potential to feel better is real. Can't guarrantee anything but a recent test showed a pretty high result rate for ketamine infusion and a pretty good one for Spravato. I will have to see if I can find one for TMS.

Mark

@jimhd
Jim
I understand. Living with chronic pain is just existing. I broke my hip 7 months ago so now I am dealing with the healing process which is so hard. I am trusting God but it is so hard . I miss my life being pain free. Prayers for you.
Yram

I have no desire to live at all, yet I'm too afraid to die. I instinctively fear anything that threatens my life. I'm addicted to self-harm, but after three failed suicide attempts, I now can't even bring myself to touch a blade... I only use blunt or semi-blunt scissors to feel the pain without having to see blood— (Seeing blood would make me stop self-harming).

@xine, hi again. I just wrote a reply to the other post you made today here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/1523991/

I'm not a therapist, so I hope my comments aren't off the mark. Sometimes it is hard to say the right things. Please accept my attempt.

I'll start by saying the "moderator" thing. You don't have to deal with this alone. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org/get-help/, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Can you tell me what triggers you to want to self-harm? Are there things you do to avoid those triggers? (Sorry if those are dumb questions.)

@xine thank you for sharing what you are going through. It sounds like you are having a really tough go of things.
Is there any way that you can reduce your self harm just a little bit? Maybe put your scissors in a box on a high shelf? I’m hopeful that if you can go bit by bit, you will be less burdened by these urges.
I have similar urges and the periods of SH come and go. I try not to be too hard on myself, and focus just on the next small step in front of me.
Good luck and please let us know what works for you, even if just a little bit. Wishing you the best.