Convincing someone with dementia they need to move to assisted living

@jrelliott If it’s any consolation, my husband was the same way, got into the “You’re not the boss of me” mode- wouldn’t let me setup a medication box or remind him, wouldn’t eat the balanced diabetic meals I cooked, wouldn’t shower or change clothes, wouldn’t listen to me or anyone about Assistive Living.
THEN- he woke up more confused, almost a delirium. I called the PCP practice, asked for an appointment that day with anyone at any office, signed up to see a PA at an office I used GPS to find, the PA examined him, sent us directly to the ER, they admitted him, diagnosed with brain encephalopathy ( they thought due to med and diet craziness). When he was ready to go, the hospitalist and neurologist refused to sign for him to return home. I refused to drive him home, he didn’t have a cell phone or his wallet to call someone or a taxi. The doctors told him he had to go to AL “for now” for PT, to rest and recover, etc. The hospital social worker made the arrangements for a local AL I knew well. I drove home and packed clothes, bedside clock, small TV, family photos, drove to the AL and set everything up, met with the admin and nursing teams, etc. The next day, I paid for wheelchair transit as I was afraid if I drove him, he’d refuse to get out of the car. They told me not to visit for a few days so he could “settle in”.
That was 4 years ago, he is at his healthiest in years with the structure of the facility and that the meds, meals, showers, help needed is provided by pleasant young ladies and gentlemen, who tease him and laugh with him. He quickly found a guy friend group, who he sits with for meals and out on the patio in good weather. He found two Navy guys by their ballcaps and sits with them too.
So, if there’s no convincing her, something that will send her to the hospital will give you and family an opportunity to put an end to this falling house-of-cards. As others have mentioned, it is very hard to get guardianship and takes a long time, including court time.
Important Tip- Go to the PCP office FIRST, if they send her to the ER, she will get extra attention as it’s a transfer from an MD office. If you take her to the ER first, they will most probably see her as just one more demented GOMER (Get Out of My Emergency Room) and send her home with you. Can you tell I used to work in hospitals?

my second cousin got really bad, ate a weeks worth of groceries in a day, and made her sick. Also left stove on with no flame, neighbors sent gas alert. Took a month's medication in a week. Adult Protective Service were wonderful when things really go out of hand. My cousin doesn't have any other relatives/children. She's been in memory care 3 years now.

@centre Hi, I’m sorry to hear you went through that. It sounds like your husband is doing better with the structure he has and the routines provided where is living. I’m hoping my nephew can help convince my sister to move. He was able to convince her to auto pay some bills which she was not open to doing. Like your husband she needs the structure and I am worried about her safety living alone in her house. Recently she has begun getting annoyed very easily and makes mean comments. She has said to me on occasion to stop treating her like a child. We recently had a significant amount of snow and ice and she calls me demanding we come over and shovel and dig her car out. Her license has been suspended so she can’t drive so she’s not going anywhere and I have her keys. I’m going to start making appointments at some of the assisted living communities near me and go from there.
I think you’re wise and experienced😊 Thank you

@kdub1 Look at a facility that has Memory Care. It's much better for a person who is agitated. Also remember Assisted Living provides food, housekeeping, medication reminders but does not involve taking care of people who are incontinent. Your loved one must take care of it themselves. It is more geared to people who need physical assistance. Memory Care does it all plus encourages group activities at the person's level.

@gilkesl Thank you. For now at least I think assisted living will work for her. But I agree at some point for the agitation, memory care would be better. She still functions in her house, however I have started paying her bills. I think an assisted living community would be a good place to start with memory care on the same campus.