Son estranged due to controlling spouse

@pml Thank you for reaching out. I try very hard to focus on the love and care I have in my life, but it still percolates up and the tears come back. I struggle with wanting to know the WHY behind his choice to completely go no contact. Is being kind to me and keeping in touch with me somehow being disloyal to his wife?

I watch and rewatch the recording of their wedding dance, and when I look at the expression on his face, I see a son I barely recognize. His expression is a pasted on smile and a robotic cocking of his head back and forth to the music... like he's acting the part...no genuine look of joy on his face. Maybe he HAS been brainwashed.

I had a weak moment and reached out on his Instant Message account on FB which I guess he hasn't blocked, because the messages keep saying delivered on my end. I said "Do you really wish I was dead and gone? Do you really feel I am such a horrible person that you can't even talk to me? If you want me out of your life, I'll go, but I want to talk to JUST YOU f2f. I want to hear it from your lips." I don't know if he'll read that...but it's how I feel...be a man and tell me to get lost if you sincerely feel there is NOTHING redeemable about our relationship.

I was ANGRY out of the blue yesterday, I don't know why... I'm not that kind of person. I don't hate or wish il will on people...but the injustice of simply being denied the opportunity to hear why my son feels the way he feels, and not giving me a chance to respond, was making me furious. I started thinking mean, horrible thoughts about him and his wife...and then I was filled with shame and sadness for thinking like that.

I've prayed. Believe me....I have prayed for God to open a window...to change their hearts... to help me be strong and stop grieving a lost relationship that I'll never have again. I thought...after a few months...he'll reach out and we'll get over this and at least be cordial again. But it's been over 7 months, and nothing. I have begged my ex-husband to try and get him aside as ask him why he won't reach out. My ex says he initially urged him to reach out, but he is staying out of it now, and asking me to be patient and let him come to me.

If this continues on....I wonder how I will feel if he ever does come to me? Will I cry with relief and embrace him, or will I guard my heart and treat him with cool indifference? I guess only God knows.

@zmom93
I can see how bad this situation with your son and the wedding mess is affecting you. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It hurts when your own son acts like this. I know it did when my son acted like he did in ignoring me for 20 years. I'm glad you are praying. God is there for you. He will get you through this although it may not be the way you would like since it's been 7 months and yet, it may be. Just have faith.

I understand your anger. What your son did was not right.
Perhaps it would be best if you tried to ignore the whole awful situation and let God handle it. Just focus on you. Do some things you really enjoy and make sure you eat healthy and get enough rest. Maybe take a nice trip somewhere or get a pet. Whatever you would enjoy! You need some happiness in your life!
I'll say a prayer for you also.
PML

Isn’t it very sad that parents who have given everything to the children should be longing for only little love from their child but denied even that little gesture.Should one be contented with the thought,I did my duty and I shouldn’t expect anything in return,not even love.They don’t have to take care of us.As a daughter I took care of my dad till his death at the age of 91 and now my 90 year old mother who is bed ridden for the past five years.I am 73.Have so much gratitude for my husband who supports me.
Is our era of love for parents getting over with our generation
We keep telling each other,the one who leaves first is going to be lucky.I keep praying to god,please call my mother before me.
My heart goes out to all the parents with an ache in their hearts.
Maybe practising detachment will heal your minds,instead of trying to win them back,after all this pain.When the expectations stop,peace returns.
May god bless you all with peace and happiness

@zmom93 I am so sorry that you are going thru this alienation ❣️

It has been 10 months since my son cut me out, and the result for me has been depression, trauma, self-loathing and the list goes on.

I wish so much that I could suggest to you the ‘right’ thing to do when this happens but I cannot.

I can however tell you what has not been helpful in my attempt to reconnect with him.

•I sent A LOT of emails and texts just to my son (not his wife) pleading and asking how he could do this ❌

• I sent him very vulnerable texts about how much this alienation is destroying me ❌

• I sent him a text telling him my daily dog walking route (we live in the same ‘hood) if he would ever like to join me ❌

•During this absence he did not wish me a Happy Mother’s Day or a Happy Birthday but when his birthday rolled around I did wish him well (it was his 30th after all).

•I did not wish him a 1st Father’s Day Greeting, and his anniversary is soon which I will not acknowledge.

•The hardest piece of this nightmare is that his daughter (my 1st grandchild) will turn 1 in a couple of weeks and I’ve only met her twice, the day she was born and then 2 weeks after that…🔥😢
Everyone asks me if I think this was his wife’s doing, and my answer is this: It does not matter b/c my son has a mind of his own so he is responsible for HIS actions no matter who started this.

I do believe though that he/they were looking for an opportunity to cut me out and they made one up and here we are.

My only guidance is ‘less is more’, the less you try to reach out the better.

I stopped reaching out and I did receive a text from him saying he wants to open the line of communication and I told him I was thrilled about that but that was 6+ weeks ago and not another word.

I wish you all the emotional strength over this, and you are not alone 💙💜💙💜

Thank you for reaching out.

I think I have convinced myself that the few attempts I made to apologize for my emotional reaction and subsequent bailing on his reception have sufficed. I was in a state of shock and embarassment. I simply reacted after assuming I'd be a party of their celebration.

I did send a birthday card ..which was the beginning of this nightmare. I also sent a joint apology and a few months later an apology directly to my d-i-l. I think that is all I am going to do. My sister convinced me that the ball is in his court now. All I can do now is live my life, find the happiness in other connections in my life, and pray that he will remember that I am not the evil villain he purports me to be.

@zmom93 Trying to ‘move past this’ is extremely painful. I think ‘accepting’ this unfortunate event instead leaves room for the possibility of reconciliation in the future.

The most painful reality for me is that everything has changed. The easy, fun, frustrating and close relationship I had with my son has forever changed going forward. If he reconnects it will feel so much different than it was before because now I feel disposable. No mother (person) wants to feel that way in a relationship of any kind let alone with their child. I am also left wondering if what I thought was closeness between us was not that at all! Perhaps he was tolerating, or just enduring his relationship with his mother (me) until he no longer had to.

What a rollercoaster of sadness, shock and confusion we have been faced with over the way they have chosen to handle a misunderstanding.

Maybe they are feeling the same way. 🤷🏽‍♀️

It has been an impossible situation and I hope we both find a way to live in this limbo over what was one of the most important relationships in our lives as mothers

I feel for you. I have a similar situation with my only son. He and I had a wonderful close relationship while growing up. He was the most wonderful precious chid and I enjoyed every moment with him. My husband and I did everything for him. We could sit for hours and talk about anything. He confided in us and would call frequently as he got older. He’s been married now for 14 years and we have 3 grandchildren who are amazing and smart like my son. We have been totally blessed over the years to have spent some quality time with them. Now his wife has turned against us and is restricting our time with the grandkids. She doesn’t like that they are close to us and love us so much. My son is caught in the middle. She is very controlling and monitors all our electronic messages and has parental controls on their phones. She is trying to build a wedge between the relationships we have with our son and grandkids. We are trying to remain positive and enjoy the few hours we get with them during the year. You have to remember that you can’t control the other person. You can only control yourself and remain true to your values. We continue to try to remain positive and connected to our son and grandkids in spite of this difficult situation. The kids are getting older and will soon be able to make their own decisions. We need to remain vigilant and wait for better times ahead. As my Mom always said, “everything changes in time”.

I’m sorry, we have the same situation with our oldest son. His wife’s family was pushing the marriage very early in their relationship, he abandoned all his friends and family. He seemed to turn on his Mother (who had a very close relationship with him) harder than myself. It’s just unbelievable. Married after knowing her for a year, first child a year and 2 months later. Baby had complications…wife found out through a friend…went to hospital and he told her she wasn’t welcome there…today… I think he married into a narcissistic, cult like, Precious Gemstones family. It’s awful.

I am amazed at the number of mothers, dads, or parents suffering from this
type of treatment. We had a similar problem. Just be your normal loving self
& hope for the best with the understanding that things may never change.
I don't know about "god" but I say my prayers & end with
"Bless the people I don't like." 🙂

50 years ago, my brother was getting more serious with his girlfriend. She went on a campaign to make a special connection with my Mom, Dad, and me to cement her position. She set up a lovely afternoon for her and I. We visited some tourist spots, had a lovely meal, and had some meaningful conversations. Once she accomplished her goals. She dumped me like a rotten potato. She got what she needed from me so I was of no value to her anymore. She methodically went through all my brothers, friends, and relatives, so my brother was totally isolated.

I liken it to she put a steering wheel on my brother's head, a gas pedal, and a brake on each foot. She totally drives and controls him. She was so petrified of losing him. She is a bright woman and very knowledgeable. She was also regularly molested weekly by her mother's brother from 7 to 15. At 21, she came out to her extended family. It resulted in a complete schism. She and her mother have never had any contact with her mom's side of the family for 44 years. So I understand why she is messed up. I figured they were like John and Yoko, if they were happy with each other, so be it. She would't even have a child, she didn't want anyone competing for my brother's love.

I have realized that really damaged people have had something very bad happen to them to change them. My brother just stays in his cage and will not do anything to upset her. I eventually stopped wasting my time with both of them. In the last few years (they are in their 70s now), she realized no one is going to steal her husband away, so she loosened the reins a bit. So I talk to both of them now. Our relationship is really normal now.

I don't have the patience to deal with dullwits and their bullshit. I'm sure the pain of a broken relationship between a mother and her adult child is much sharper than I have endured. Looking back, I see my brother was spineless in a certain way; he needed a dominating woman in his life. My mom had to kick him out of her house when he was 30, so he could have his own life. He immediately found a substitute.

Life is short - don't waste your time and effort on something that is never going to work. Be grateful your son is alive and healthy, although he didn't live up to your expectations. It's tough. I do feel for you. By the way, I have my fair share of shortcomings, but at 77, I am still 'a work in progress' GOOD LUCK