Feeling Lost and Afraid: Lost my oldest and fear losing another child

While we all have an opinion, this forum is not for critiquing each other. As you mentioned it is for support.

My response was meant to offer the original poster solice and some possible reasoning for her son's situation and the perceived lack of response.

Her pain is valid and obviously in a state of grief induced anger. Therefore I offered that she should perhaps consider another view if possible at her stage of grief?

All helping professions are held to a higher standard than common citizens. We all strive to hold ourselves to the highest standards when we provide help and care to all citizens, equally. At the present time: I am a health care provider, no longer just a medic, or fire department responder.

In the past I was merely a Fire Emergency 911 operator with a responsibility to respond fast to ANY emergency call via whatever radio band. In my NINE counties we were not associated with law enforcement, but we sent emergency help, and assisted police in finding locations of emergency events. I lost count of the number of calls I have handled and the number of devastated officers and fire fighters I have watched grieve when we all have "missed the mark" on a call. I have NEVER seen either police OR fire fighters discriminate in an emergency situation.

They don't CARE who you are, but that you are a living human being who needs to be saved from danger. Sure, there may be discriminatory "low lifes" in all the helping professions, but they truly are few and far between and the odds of a Sheriff's Dept leaving some young man dying in a corn field on a freezing night - IF they could find him? I highly doubt, so a law suit for a wrongful death would be a downward spiral for this grieving mother/family.

I have been in health care for a VERY long time. I have seen the changes over time as it relates to drug induced deaths, premature births due to cocaine/meth, as well as a multitude of issues related to illegal and legal drug consumption beyond what is healthy for any person - and the overwhelmed staff of social workers, fire, police, 911, etc. Therefore rather than viewing this as a case of wrongful death, I see it as "highly unlikely" - but of course: I could be wrong..

Blaming is an expected and common sign and symptom of grief and the grief process because a human being wants to find a REASON for the difficult to process and real event that hurts so very badly. They hardly want to blame their child, and often blame themselves thinking they have been a failed parent and were the cause of their child's inability to handle their addiction. Parents cannot protect a grown or over 18 year old child from themselves, but they try, even in death.

None of us will ever know what happened with this poor mother's son. Blaming is natural, but needs to be metered and a refocus on letting time pass and not let blaming become pathological. That is why I suggested she really seek counseling.

I am not going to be a part of jumping on some bandwagon under the guise of "sympathy" and focus on blaming the one or two entities that have been blamed for everything just because they are a public and easy target. This mother needs truth and a path to healing, not a quagmire of legal proceedings and to spend money on lawyers.

In addition: I am not referring to this mother, but some of the public believe they can suck money out of city, county, state and federal (taxpayer's) coffers by filing a wrongful death suit and think money will make them feel better. It doesn't.

The lawsuit game is so long the process only causes a grieving parent to suffer longer.
Sometimes it is just better to move on and heal now, rather than prolong the healing processes with a roll of the dice legal process. One which I see, has already caused her more grief.

@triciaann99 and @slarson14, thank you for the support and varied perspectives that you offer to the original poster. I believe that you agree on more than you disagree. You both agree that it is tragic to lose a child. Reliving the moments is a pain unbearable. As a parent, as a health care worker, as emergency services, as litigators, we wish we could do more.

Please do not let fear, sadness and caring transition to anger, blame and insult. The purpose of this forum is to share experiences, and give and get support.

A gentle reminder of the community guidelines. https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/about-connect/tab/community-guidelines/

We treat all members with respect. We only have words on the screen without the benefit of body language and tone of voice. Sometimes, the lack of body language and tone of voice can lead to misinterpretation -- or give the wrong vibe -- of someone's supportive intent.

@colleenyoung Yes, it is very difficult to relay intent without eye contact and expression, voice inflection. Wish I were better at communicating without those communication assists.

@slarson14
I do appreciate your feedback, however, I do feel you have made many assumptions based on lived experience and without knowing all the facts.
I am a bit offended that you think I have displaced anger and blame. I do not wish to type out all the facts of this case but here are a few key notes that may or may not alter your view.
My son called 911 because he was lost and did not know where he was. He was in distress- highly agitated, paranoid, having delusions and hallucinations as he complained of the group of people yelling things in his windows which is why he left home.
He desperately pleaded for someone to talk to them and get them to stop. His thoughts and speech were disorganized and he was unable to stay focused. (What about the risk he posed to public driving under those conditions??)
All CLEAR signs of someone in psychosis. ON TOP OF THAT, he stated that he was ashamed and embarrassed because he was having psychosis and under influence of methamphetamine and having delusions.
The dispatcher spent several minutes asking questions about the people such as how many were there, did he know them, instead of asking about his welfare or asking for landmarks to help him find out where he was!
You can hear the hope leave him as she indicated to him no officers were on duty then asking did he need her to send an officer. In his mind since they weren't on duty they would be mad and put him in jail. Feeling defeated he hung up. No call back was made. No effort to ping his phone.
Another audio call the dispatcher called another female officer explaining my sons call and asked if she should take any action and making statement of him having his meds messed up. (Son has never been on or did he ever mention meds.) Other female responded "no, he's just on drugs".
My son's first 911 call was routed to wrong county when dispatcher tried transferring it the call was lost.
My son tore the stuffing out of his seats and also used his clothing, desperately trying to get his vehicle free eventually abandoning it and searching for a road on foot. One officer stated in report that he saw evidence of him crawling into a hay bale at some point. He walked in the cold and dark cornfields approximately five miles from his vehicle and collapsed when he finally reached a road. He was found next day by sanitation driver wearing only gym shorts and one shoe.
I also have audio of phone call between my daughter and head sheriff where sheriff states "he's a grown man, why should we go looking for him?"
The department was familiar with my son and was aware of his drug use and psychosis.
One occasion he was arrested for a warrant during psychosis as he was on knees in driveway arguing and yelling at a tree. They took him into custody and placed him in with other inmates. He got a felony assault for assault on a confined person.
They did not prioritize his safety or safety of others. When I was informed of this I called and asked why he was not separated due to his condition, his reply was "where did you want me to put him?"

All statements are based on evidence I have in my possession.

May I ask, are your views and opinions the same? Am I seeking someone to blame? Looking for financial gain?
All I want is accountability! They dismissed him with bias due to mental health and substance use. His safety and well being was not a priority.
My son's life mattered to me as well as his 3 younger siblings.
The only role money has in this is perhaps a nice headstone NOTHING MORE!
The dispatcher is incompetent and should be removed from such a position. Better training, specifically regarding mental health, updates to protocols and procedures, and efforts to bring attention to bias and discrimination in rural communities, as well as legal push to improve and advance towards NG911 and 911 service alternatives.
And I will say that the creation of a "Zachary's Law" would bring a great deal of joy to my
heart.
Sincerely,
Zachary's Mom

@jimz72 I just want to say to you that reading your post makes my heart hurt for you and your family. I am so sorry that sometimes people feel they hold the truth and know what is in our hearts. I hope in time you feel less pain if that’s is possible and surround yourself and your family with support and love. May your son rest in peace close to your heart.

@rio6099
Thank-you so much for the thoughtful comment. The world seems so cold at times, sometimes heartfelt comments from complete strangers renews your faith in humanity.
God bless you.

@slarson14
I apologize for getting defensive, I appreciate all of the comments and feedback I have received. Thank you for pointing out how easily things can be misinterpreted without tone. I will keep that in mind.

Hi Jim,

I'm very sorry to hear about your son Zachary.

As a recovering alcoholic/addict with 14 plus years sober now, I'm familiar with your story, and what you wrote about Andrew.

The one question I can't answer for myself, or for the three guys I sponsor, is this - "What happened that finally got you on the successful road to recovery?"

I don't have a good answer. I got so beaten down that I finally realized alcohol and opiates were too much for me. An admission of being powerless is vital. I had to stop, and then I had to ask for help. And I got that help.

Rehab programs are fine as long as the person truly, truly wants that help. I suggest asking Andrew to attend some local AA meetings. Please just let it be his decision, and you can share this with him if it helps. And if he says no, that's his decision too. He has to want help, and we can do nothing about that. It has to come from Andrew.

Ultimately, everyone who manages to stay sober has reached a point where they know they need help. After that, all they have to do is ask for help, and help is everywhere. We addicts save our own lives the same day we ask for help.

I hope that helps Jim. All the best to you and Andrew. And again, I'm so sorry to hear of Zachary's passing. You can ask for help too. I'm sure you could find other parents who have lost a child.

Joe

@jimz72

May God bless and keep you - I've lost two children and my heart goes out to you.

S