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My wife is furious at me 3 weeks post RARP
My wife is a wreck since my surgery - depressed and won't talk to any of her friends. She is convinced that I made a terrible mistake having the surgery. It's like we are living on different planets. Instead of being supportive and helpful, she is downright sadistic and cruel with things she says to me. She has convinced herself that I will never be the same as before, our sex life is over and I was selfish for not thinking of her when I opted to have cancer removed from my body. We have been married for 30 yrs and we have been through some rough patches, but this is right there at the top of the worst of times. There do not seem to be many support groups for spouses of prostate cancer fighters, and what she has found supports her thesis that return to normal sex life is unlikely. I had complete nerve sparing on both sides and have already experienced some twinges of hope, if you know what I mean. I can't wait to poke her in the eye with it one day soon if we make it that long. Just wondering if any of you have had similar experience and how long it took for her to come around if ever?
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@cob13 I got an implant 11 months ago. I only wish I had gotten it sooner. My wife and I are both happy with now having “traditional” sex instead of what we called “lesbian sex”. All intimacy is good!
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8 ReactionsThis thread has touched a nerve! (I know, terrible pun, but it was actually just coincidental.) I haven't been on the forum much so I just looked at this and we're already on page 7! I'm giving myself permission today not to go back and read the previous pages, so I'm sure there have been many helpful comments. Here's my thought:
Sex is very important to me, and intimacy more so. 3 weeks after cancer surgery is very much still the acute stage of crisis and trauma, so any reaction is totally allowed. And of course it is normal for two people close to the trauma to be at totally different places emotionally and intellectually.
Choices are hard, and yesterday's won't change, so I try to shift my focus to today, the only day I can actually make choices. May you each find ways to renew your tolerance, understanding, and perhaps even sacrificial love for each other. That is certainly a good goal for me today.
Yesterday was a hard day for us both. Perhaps today will be a bit better. It's a good goal, anyway! Waking up at 3 this morning wasn't particularly strategic, but it is what it is :-).
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13 ReactionsThe flip side of anger is Hurt. It’s likely that your wife was deeply hurt by these events, and perhaps didn’t understand the decision and what led to it (medically). But regardless, if there was a forum for spouses it would likely be full of spouses who are hurting. Best alternative is to get a therapist if she is willing, ASAP.
Also - important - hugging, kissing, spooning and caresses must continue. Pretend you’re back in high school and on a hot date that wont led to the act. They are actually the most important acts of our sexuality. Try it. See if she will relive that same memory fantasy with you.
Wishing you all the best. Let her know that you miss these things too, that you love her, fold in those hugs and spoons and kisses ASAP.
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6 Reactions1) Your wife is extremely selfish 2) Your wife could care less if you die 3) if she is so concerned about sexual pleasure there are sexual devices 4) I suggest getting a divorce and live happily ever after.
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4 ReactionsThere is not much I can say for your partner of 30 years. You are now at the start of a journey where removing your cancer is the first step for what might be a long battle. Please don't give up and let it win.
There are other ways to express your love in sensual ways besides intercourse. It may be a challenge, but it can be done and a 30 year friendship is worth trying to save. A good sex advisor could provide lots of things to try.
Best wishes to both of you.
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3 ReactionsHey Shayes914, Really appreciate your response and honesty in how you are feeling....Im sure it's a shock to face while dealing with your cancer. A counselor who helped me going through a divorce after 25 years of marriage to a wonderful woman (we are still friends) gave me some wise advise: DETACH IN LOVE........Sounds the exact opposite of what you want to do to save your marriage....My ex and I get along very well now. She met another great guy who meets her needs. He told me "You are the ex and I"m supposed to hate you, but I don't...I said "Im happy my ex-wife has found a man that helps her feel complete where she is in this chapter of her life and my life..... we are all friends." . Shayes, This is really about you finally taking time for yourself and your wife taking time to decide what She wants for future happiness.. ....What is the last thing you have done recently to take care of yourself and what is she doing for her self-care. You mention waiting until the day she "comes around." You clearly love her but "coming around" is her decision.....How are you taking care of yourself if she decides not to "come around?"........You can both wish the best for each other, painful, but still true.....Maybe some day she can share what she is learning about herself. Just listen, do not comment........If she asks how you are doing, acknowledge it's a new chapter for YOU, deciding what you want. (thats' not selfish, just being clear about what you are learning about yourself....Your ONLY concern now is listening to your body, and taking care of yourself.........It's ok to be selfish and in tune with your body and cancer treatment.....It will get better, but focus on taking care of yourself........Best wishes to both of you!
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