Hi Jim .... you have described me to a "T" .... I like solitude also. Big gatherings wear me out. But, like you, some days are worse than others. As you probably know from reading any of my posts, I moved from MD to western VA 4 years ago, leaving everything behind that was familiar, including my dearest friend, my church, my condo, and familiarity with the whole area. It's been tough and there have been days I have not answered the phone .... just stayed in my room as if "nobody home." Down here I have a friend across the hall from me in the apartments, but she works 12 hours a day, so I rarely see her. My church is just starting up and there are only 15 of us, and the other 3 women came from Eastern Orthodox (I'm Western Ortho.), and all but one are very strict, severe, wear scarves on their heads (which Western does not), and would never be seen in nice slacks. I tried to talk to one of them, who is very nice, and seems a little softer, but so far it hasn't gotten very far. Last week I went to another church with my daughter and it was warm, friendly and relaxed .... rather like I came from years ago. I don't know if I want to go back to that or not.
Also, the pastor's message was on marriage (I'm divorced), and while he didn't say anything particular, it got me thinking about our 42 year marriage and that I was the one that did the divorcing. All of a sudden I felt very sad and alone. He's a narcissist and now I'm wondering if I should have stuck it out. Right now I have no one, but my kids and 2 friends in MD. I sat Sunday afternoon in my chair reading, but my mind kept drifting off into dark thoughts. You know the kind ..... "you're stupid, you were a fool, you should have stuck with it, and on and on and on." And, he only lives 20 min. down the road from me. A long time ago my therapist said to me, "you know, it's actually easier if a spouse dies than if there's a divorce." I thought he was nuts. But, now that I'm walking through this, struggling, I see what he meant. This is NOT to belittle those whose spouses have died .... it's just to say that I always wonder where he is, what is he doing, is he dating ..... and on and on and on.
I need a friend down here, but they consider me a "yankee" even though I'm only from MD. Somehow the days pass, and the days pass, ever closer to the day when I'm gone.
abby