I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On

Fifteen years ago I was put on very high levels of antidepressants for what now seems was transient depression brought on by terrible life style choices. Within a short period of time I became very manic. My manic behavior would destroy everything my wife and I had built. I destroyed our marriage, lost a billion dollar business and worst of all left my children without a father when I went to prison for an assault I committed during a psychotic episode.

Fifteen years latter the doctors have acknowledged that I most likely did not have Major Depressive Disorder and that the medications made me manic. Instead they say that I actually have Bipolar Disorder without mania, I just have profound depression. After doing hundreds of hours of my own research what became clear is that neither diagnosis fits.

In July I undertook the titration off of seven psych meds and seven side effect meds. My interventions are dietary changes and vigorous exercise. These two changes allowed me to, with my providers help, pretty much get off all of the meds I was on. In November I felt the best I have felt in twenty years. My physical and mental health providers were all pleased.

After Thanksgiving my sleep began to decline from seven hours a night to two hour chunks sporadically. After a couple of weeks of this I began to have panic attacks. I asked my providers to help with both and they declined. Then I got Covid and ended up in the hospital afraid I was going to try to take my own life.

To get me out of the hospital I was put on Lithium, Bupropion and Latuda. They have now added Buspar for the anxiety.

I am completely despondent. I do not believe my providers really know what's wrong with me, if anything. I have been put into a box that allows them to get reimbursed by the insurance company. Don't get me wrong I believe they care deeply about my well-being. It's just that that whole system is broken and everything is hit or miss.

After more research I have concluded that the insomnia was as a result of the testosterone replacement therapy I was on. I needed the TRT because of fifteen years of venlafaxine, which is know to decrease testosterone. That no one knew this simply adds to my despair.

I, like many of you, have fought my way through physical and sexual abuse, depression, substance abuse, numerous hospitalizations and prison. I have been prescribed more medications than I can even remember. I have had ECT, TMS and Ketamine therapy. Some how amidst all of ineffectual treatments I managed to have life. I was married for twenty years, have four beautiful children (who I have had no contact with for ten years). I built and sold a number of successful business and have worked hard to be a good citizen.

I am now faced with fighting through whatever is going on with me. I do not believe anyone knows for sure what is happening and what to do about it. It is quite possible that years of unnecessary medication has so altered my system that I will never be well. I've lost everyone and everything in my life that mattered to me. I exist moment to moment because I do not have a gun and as a felon getting one is not so easy.

I am simply done. I do not want to live anymore. I am sixty years old and all I have to look forward to is more fighting in every area of my life. I will die, just like everyone else. I see no reason to delay it any further.

What keeps me alive is a rule I have, not to do anything that will make my situation worse. I believe the only thing worse than suicide is a failed suicide. That said I would welcome death.

I'm just done!

Forgive me for ranting but I feel so completely alone.

I hope everyone finds the peace they deserve.