Limitations and expectations

Mornin everybody!

Toasted coconut flavored coffee ☕️ this morning. Mmmmm.

Just a couple of thoughts this morning. I promise.

My husband has his appointment this afternoon with that pancreas cancer prevention oncologist to go over his last MRCP scan. The radiologist results sounded encouraging, as he noted things looked "stable" when comparing that IPMN they're watching after MAYO recommended a yearly scan last year but, obviously, each year we will be a little anxious until a specialist agrees. I decided to stay home this time. They don't really care if I'm there or not; particularly, here at the local level. But I thought it a good day to remind myself of the limitations I've decided to set this past year in the ways I just can't go on trying to DO and say things to people HE should be doing for himself when he's able. I used to be considered "obese" in a lot of my doctor's notes, so about a year ago I lost those nasty 45 pounds with exercise and a lot of soul searching. Part of that process was coming to terms with how and why I found myself in the middle of all those terrible adjectives. Part of the reason for that was that I was continually obsessing about my husband's health, foregoing my own sometimes. So, I told myself, "No more sleepless nights on a lumpy cot in the hospital if we found ourselves there again. No more driving to the ER at the speed of light if he needed to go there. An ambulance (although wayyyyyyy too expensive) would just have to do. No more talking to them FOR him if he could speak. No more "expecting" things to be hunky dorie if I spent the time in front of a computer all night researching everything. "Hoping" for that, yes, but bad things just sometimes happen. Thinking that the "God" I prayed to before was in some other place, working in the "mysterious" ways I was always told he did but that that "God" still loved us and we better still love "him" the whole time we were suffering . . . just didn't make sense to me anymore.

Soooooo, I did a lot of mind-bending and came to the conclusion that that "God" was not in "some other place". "He" was inside of me, working just as hard as I was, trying to turn things around. I just needed to reject what was happening, hating all the scary stuff and realize all the horror comes from somewhere else, not from the very place I was turning to for strength and hope.

That belief isn't for everyone, I realize. We all should have the right to choose the beliefs that gets us through the toughest of times. No one should put themselves in that position. When I stopped doing that, it helped me shed that 45 pounds and all I felt was an overwhelming sense of love. I was judging myself, my husband and all the medical professionals we were going to for help. Don't get me wrong. I will always fight for justice and will fight for truth in all things, but I do that with the realization that setting certain limits and expectations I can live with, realizing I don't need to do that all by myself. People like all of you, my husband, my friends and family . . . and taking care of myself surrounded by love are my best tools to fight and keep hope alive in the midst of challenging times. I DON'T have to do it all by myself. There is always love to be found and THAT is where I find the strength and hope we both need to fight for the outcomes we hope to find.

Okay, time for that cup of coffee ☕️.

😘