Cancer destroying what's left of our marriage and life

I understand fully what cancer does to the body and mind. My husband has had Stage 4 prostate cancer then it went to pelvis and now the spine. When diagnosed I called my sister (16 yrs younger than me) I am 74 yrs young and asked her for her Love & support. She doesnt even call to see how He is doing Also have a 47 & 50 yr old sons. They hardly come.
The younger one thinks selfishly about his scheduled social life. The older lives 2 hrs from us. He says he cannot come d)own every other week> We wonder how he is teaching our high school age grandson about Life & Death.
I also developed Fibromyalgia about 1 yr ago with severe pain including anxiety and depression.
We wonder where is the Compassion in this World! We finally found a church that has wonderful caring indi iduals. We certainly dont find it in the people we have known for 50 years. I also go to two therapists. Now the doctors want to do a drug that possibly have bad side effects for him. I am feeling emotional and burning out! I also do not sleep. My husband sleeps like a baby. He will cook but do nothing else. What to do? It is very difficult to be the sole support and caregiver. I pray for anyone or all in this situation. By the way, I am blessed that doctors may give my husband more God Given Life. I was ready for him to go the last time they said that the cancer had spread and they couldnt do anything more for him, I should Not even Think This Way. I Need Help.

@sepdvm I just saw this tonight, I have been doing all those things but managing the depression and bipolar without having my partner strong makes it very difficult. I need to be back in the hospital again but trying to get into four winds and have someone take care of him. He sleep s allot of the time. Need the caregivor from office for the againg

@deniae You are working in the right direction to get yourself help. Is your husband on Hospice? Is there an inpatient hospice nearby where he could transfer to while you heal yourself? Keep talking to those sources who can help you. If one cannot provide what you need, ask for a referral to another until you find help. Be the squeaky wheel and don't give up. Ask to speak with your therapist more frequently for your own mental support. Keep trying. Hugs.

@wendymykkanen Oh I'm so sorry you are going through all this! How about your family, are they any help? It must be so hard to keep doing all you are doing. I don't know your beliefs but maybe there is a church nearby where you could talk to someone?

I just ran across your post, @bigmuttlover1. How are you doing these days? I didn't join the site until just about a week ago but I'm trying to jump into different discussions that I come across that strike a proverbial "chord" with me now and again. Your post reads as one that was put out there a while ago but thought it one that I can relate to in a lot of ways (although, minus that violence, mind you). Wow! What a terrible, awful mess you had/have on your hands, my friend.

Platitudes and offers from folks (that turn out "empty" promises sometimes); although offered with good intentions, just don't cut it sometimes, do they? "Me" time just isn't possible, usually, though. I have come to realize that over the years; so . . . the only real support I (like many, many others on this site) can offer is from the experiences I've survived.

My suggestion, in order to survive stuff like this is to "redefine" . . . "redefine", "redefine" . . . everything from who you are or who you've become. "Redefine" your life. It may not be the definition of what things were like before, hoping to find that same life today but it IS your new reality. And although it's different than it used to be . . . there are still plenty of things all around you that can offer you the peace you seek.

For me (and granted I do NOT have all the answers. I still search for them every single day) . . . it's been not in "ACCEPTING" "poop" because "poop" is "poop". It smells and it's disgusting. What's that saying about lipstick on a pig? It just covers up the reality. And, I for one, would much deal with reality. All of us here, I can safely say, have, from time to time, had to face it when it comes knocking on your door. But, at least for me, dealing with it and searching for ways I can try and turn things around a bit . . . working toward the outcome I have hoped for, is my way of doing something for me (and for that person we care so deeply for). Little rewards or glimpses of progress in the right direction . . . if even momentary . . . are moments where I find a modicum of peace.

When my husband had Stage 4 Lymphoma and he was going through chemo . . . these were the things that I found offered us some of the solutions to problems that would get me through the day.

1) Soft foods . . . mashed potatoes . . . noodles . . . . oatmeal . . . meatloaf . . . fish . . . anything I could mix with all the butter and whole milk I could lay my hands on. I was told that one of my jobs as a caregiver was to get as many calories as I could into that failing body of his. I told them, "No problem. That's all I know how to make." Haaaaa. And it worked, most usually. He loved ice cream too, so that was a staple at our house. At his worst, he lost a good 20 pounds when he was sick . . . but he actually gained weight during chemo and has kept that weight on ever since.

2) I searched and found a great mouth sore concoction on the internet (Let me know if you'd like the link to it).

3) I composed charts to track his meds, weight, BP . . . blood results . . . and I kept track of everything (even he, sadly didn't appreciate it). That made me feel as though I was doing SOMETHING!

He's in a 7+ year remission and even though we just live from day to day. His health (and my emotional/mental health) is pretty good. Our reality, our marriage, our LIVES have changed in ways that, when compared to everyone else's "normality" appear "abnormal"; but there is light to be found at the end of the tunnel . . . surviving most of it . . . and we've come out on the other side. Hasn't been easy. That's for sure . . . but facing the "unknown" is so much harder, I've come to learn, than facing what IS.

Thank God for chocolate, breakfast sandwiches, bubble baths, long walks, writing on sites like these . . . just finding what works for you . . . what brings you comfort and peace . . . will do wonders for you so that you can "recharge" your batteries.

I hope things are better for you these days. Keep looking for the support in others you can count on and remember that the only guarantee you will find in life is CHANGE! But, you can CHANGE the CHANGE by "changing" it into something that works for YOU! Giving up is the best way to find defeat. Don't let that happen. Your life is worth salvaging as much of it as you can.

Best regards,
Dawn

@wendymykkanen Please know that you can come on here any time and we will support you. I feel so bad for you. For some reason it`s almost strangers that help more than people we have known for years. Lack of sleep is awful as well!

I want to Thank you very much for your your compassion! I got my husband away for 5 days to enjoy the fall and our 54 anniversary. I know he has very much pain in his back. I also suffer with so much Fibro pain.
I had to pack and unpack every little thing and big too. I couldnt believe him that we even had to bring groceries to fix in condo. We did get out for two meals. He has always been like that I really could sceam! I really don't have any living support except my 2 counselors. I have girl friends for at least 45 years and more. They just don't get anything I am going through with at least 2 major issues in my life. One just talks about herself all the time. 15 years ago I suffered major depression and had to go on disabiity and retire from my job. When I found my husband had cancer 3 1/2 yrs ago, I took a spiraling when I asked my sister and kid's for support . My sister never calls, the boys and spouses go their merry way. I finally reached out to a small church my husband likes and we attend regularly. I joined a women's group there, They are much younger than me and I really hate to complain too much. Also joined a senior group, my husband maybe will come, but only tell them about his cancer. I know my husband gets very tired. He sleeps a lot during the day in a chair with his tv going. He goes to bed by 7 pm after ,several glasses of wine. I am unable to have any due to meds I am on.

His oncologist recently said there isn't more she can do his cancer has spread so per her advice he just started seeing a Specalist at the U who advises several injections. It could last up to three years. I am really having trouble with this. My husband is not the same person as before the cancer. We really don't socialize anymore. It really is difficult to go anywhere. Three years is a long time that he already has had this. I continue tiredness, and lots of pain. Thank You So Much For Listening.